freewrite: dreams

things i love about being a grownup?
things i am thankful for?
how i am becoming my parents?
dreams?

yes, i think i will write about dreams today. remember in school when your teacher had you free-write on a topic? you had a set amount of time to just write, no worries about grammar or editing. (i'm not usually big on grammar here anyway, as anyone who cares about grammar probably notices immediately!)

i just set my timer for 15 minutes.

i was stuck on what to blog about today, but i am determined to meet my goal of blogging every weekday this month. i could complain about how tired i am, or i could escape. escape from everything by writing about my dreams.

i love that my dreams are all mine, and no one can take them away from me unless i let them. that's a pretty big power we all have. to dream, and to decide to make our dreams happen.

my biggest dream is to have a beach house. and alongside that i want to own a house, one that is big enough for me to have lots of parties. i love having people over. i want a big basement where the kids can play. a comfy window seat somewhere for reading, and other good reading nooks throughout the house. an awesome master bedroom and bathroom. a nice, big kitchen with a really big sink and big dishwasher and maybe a nice big fridge like the ones i tell myself not to look at in the home depot/lowes, because really if you don't look at those you don't realize how crummy your own appliances are, but then you see what's out there and realize what you secretly knew anyway.

a guest bedroom so my out-of-town people always have somewhere cozy and welcoming to stay and don't have to worry about getting a hotel or crashing on the floor. and a garage! oh an attached garage would be lovely. it's so funny how your dreams change as you grow up. like a big dishwasher and an attached garage, and lance wants a riding mower and we laugh at that so much. who are we?!

but back to the beach house. a condo would be fine too. but a beach house, would be my ultimate dream. i'm not entirely sure what beach i'd choose, and maybe it's going to be at a beach that i haven't even been to yet. obviously i love maui, but i'm pretty crazy about cape may, new jersey too.

the way that most people miss a person when they're gone is the way that i miss the beach. i love everything about it. the way it always sounds the same, smells the same, feels the same. makes you catch your breath and slow down and take everything in around you with much more awareness than usual. i love beach style, beach atmosphere, beach food and memories.

i want a beach house so i can go there to relax, and have different friends there all through the year to reconnect and relax too. a place that i can offer to people whose loved ones have cancer, or who knows what they're going through, but i can say, "hey listen, i can't stop thinking about you and hurting for you, and i wish i could make the hurt go away, but i can't. but i would be so happy to let you stay at our beach house for a weekend ..."

one time a family called me after they read a story i wrote for the newspaper about a four-year-old boy with cancer. they wanted me to offer his family their beach house. i will probably always remember that, because it was one of the first stories i covered as a reporter. the little boy was adorable. his family, the nicest.

i hate it, how unfair life is. i've hated that as long as i can remember - life being unfair. one of the things i remember my parents saying ... TIMER. i'm going to finish my thoughts though. i remember my mom and my dad telling me ALL THE TIME, "life's not fair, get used to it." BARF. lance said his parents told him the same. he thinks it is a good thing to tell your kids. i'm still not convinced.