He is not invisible when we come alive

“We often ask God to show up. We pray prayers of rescue. Perhaps God would ask us to be that rescue, to be His body, to move for things that matter. He is not invisible when we come alive. I might be simple but more and more, I believe God works in love, speaks in love, is revealed in our love. I have seen that this week and honestly, it has been simple: Take a broken girl, treat her like a famous princess, give her the best seats in the house. Buy her coffee and cigarettes for the coming down, books and bathroom things for the days ahead. Tell her something true when all she’s known are lies. Tell her God loves her. Tell her about forgiveness, the possibility of freedom, tell her she was made to dance in white dresses. All these things are true.

We are only asked to love, to offer hope to the many hopeless. We don’t get to choose all the endings, but we are asked to play the rescuers. We won’t solve all mysteries and our hearts will certainly break in such a vulnerable life, but it is the best way. We were made to be lovers bold in broken places, pouring ourselves out again and again until we’re called home."

[Jamie Tworkowski]

afraid to be happy?

someone told me this summer that they think i'm afraid of being happy. talk about a major blow to a girl who considers herself to be an incredibly happy person. but then, i'm also a girl who weighs a person's words whether they meant what they said or not. i'm a thinker. i love heart-to-hearts and if someone is willing to challenge me, i'll take it.

so am i? afraid to be happy? yeah. sure, i'd classify myself as a very happy girl, and it is rare that a day goes by without someone asking me why i'm smiling or what i'm so happy about. i'm happy with my life - the past and the present, but for some reason i am still afraid of getting my hopes up.

like what if everything is so good because something terrible is about to happen? or what if i let my guard down too much and get hurt? are these irrational fears? i feel stupid confessing them, but at the same time i don't, because i know so many people live in this fear but never realize or admit it. what else, besides fear, would explain why we all stay on the surface so much? or why we have so few people we can truly be ourselves around? it sure seems like everyone is afraid to be vulnerable in one way or another.

i used to seriously hate the word 'vulnerable,' but thankfully i've grown into the word. when i did my ywam dts in maui, my friend ashley and i would cringe when scott, a guy on our team, used the word 'vulnerable' in every other sentence. he would even shamelessly single us out - "chelsea, i really think you need to be more vulnerable." (and i think you need to shut the hell up scott, but i guess i'm not feeling vulnerable enough to say that yet, lucky for you.) he really agitated me (just in case that wasn't already quite clear) and when he got kicked out of our dts for all kinds of misconduct and sent home a week later i was feeling all kinds of smug. his words were inside of my head though, and even though they pissed me off i took them seriously - and i started being more vulnerable.

my hope is that the "you're afraid to be happy" comment will be the springboard for me letting go of even more of my fears. and honestly it already has been. because i want to be fearlessly happy.

don't be afraid to be happy or to get your hopes up. and don't, please don't, be afraid to speak into someone's life. speak now! maybe your words will anger them and you'll never see the positive outcome. like scott telling me to be vulnerable. or maybe your words will be spoken and the outcome won't be what you were hoping for, but there will be another positive outcome nonetheless.

i think we can all relate to the line in "pretty woman" when julia roberts says, "people put you down enough, you start to believe it ... the bad stuff is easier to believe. you ever notice that?" so make sure you speak the positive more than you feel necessary. overcompensate for the bad stuff by saying the good stuff, and saying it again and again. say i love you even if you think they know. tell them they're beautiful, the life of the party, the kindest, the best to talk to, an inspiration, whatever it is that you're feeling. the simplest compliment might be the best part of someone's week. it could boost their confidence or sink into their spirit to the point of altering their destiny. you might never see or know how, but if you never speak up you'll never know at all.

rose and dorothy//susan and chelsea

rose and dorothy on the golden girls could easily be my mother and i in a few decades. that show cracks me up, but not as much as my own mom does. last week on the way home from shopping i don't know what i was going off about, but my mom was laughing and i said, "what are you laughing at?"
"just you."
"which thing?!"
"which thing?! chelsea! you expect me to pick one thing?! i don't have the time or the energy to narrow that down, that's like ..."

shopping with my mom is a delight. particularly the faces and comments when something i try on does not meet her approval. ("i'm just trying to decide if that's asian or pajamas chelsea.") i do not take nearly as much delight in shopping for her. ("well what would i wear this with?" "jeans." "ugh! no! it would look much better with grey!" "mom if you already knew what you wanted to wear it with, WHY are you asking me?" "well i just like to hear your opinion. so you would wear these with jeans? huh. i don't think i like it anyway.") i couldn't ask for a better shopping buddy, she taught me well and i'm so glad that shopping will always be our thing. love you susan!

mongolia

i was about to apply for this AMAZING internship yesterday. a month in MONGOLIA. with all sorts of crazy special permission forms to get signed and warnings from the government to read because apparently it's such a dangerous place to travel to. and desolate - the place you'd be doing research would have no electricity or running water! and they said people with special diets shouldn't bother applying because the food choices are so limited. but you'd get the all-expenses paid chance to do groundbreaking research in an area of the world where very few people have ventured.

i've wanted to go to mongolia ever since 1) i heard that so few people go and because of 2) the theory that mongolians are the people group we can all trace our ancestry to. i wanted to observe them and see what mongolian mannerisms i've inherited. so i was about to fill out the application for this amazing adventure BUT ... it's only offered to university of penn students. way to put that in very small print at the end of everything, sheesh. so i won't be in mongolia this summer after all. which is good because it's also cold there, what the heck was i thinking wanting to live there for a month of summer. and somehow i think the upenn students would be going for much more intellectual reasons than wanting to hang out with mongolians. oh and the research had to do with global climate change which i know nothing about. (and shhh, also care pretty much nothing about.)

as i explore all of the opportunities that i have as a writer i just get giddy with excitement! not only as a writer but a traveler. ohhh the places i'll go! mongolia someday. why not? ireland, scotland, brazil, argentina, california, colorado, oregon, maine, alaska, the grand canyon (yeah i haven't gotten around much of the usa yet, ok? haha), switzerland, italy, tahiti, south africa, france, israel, belize, egypt ... and greece! greece has been at the top of my wish list for awhile. i really should've moved the last item of my christmas list to the top. but i scribbled it at the bottom of the page (yup, i still write page-long birthday/christmas lists in my twenties, are you really surprised?) instead: "plane ticket to anywhere." :)

life is good and there are many more good things to come. i'm so very happy. granted, that happiness will probably be temporarily squelched in a bit as i head to my three-hour night class on 17th century post-restoration literature. barf. but at least it's the last night of that class before finals week ... h-a-l-l-e-l-u-j-a-h for being one semester closer to graduation!

to chelsea, my daughter and friend

i don't write poems, but apparently my dad does. i requested a song, and i got a poem that i'm just tickled with. i am a person who craves compliments and affections, so much so that sometimes i will blatantly ask for or fish for them. ("do you like my jacket?! it's new!") i'm not sure if everyone wants that or if i am overly selfish and insecure. i'm caught in a mini-crisis trying to figure this (among many many other things) out. do i need to quit being so needy, or insist on not settling for less than what i feel like i need? but this poem kindof has nothing to do with that mini-crisis - i was just being silly and wanted a song, and he wrote me this hilarious poem. halfway through he changed pens and it starts to sound like an obit or funeral reading. i think he lost his poetic train of thought, but i'm not picky ...

To Chelsea, my daughter and friend.

She always loved through thick and thin,

through the good and bad things I've done.

She was always there for me, sometimes the only one.

She was as pretty as a beautiful sunset

and had many friends you can bet.

Boys flocked around her by the score,

but she was very choosy because she knew there would always be more.

She was full of questions that I sometimes did not know how to answer.

She always was eager to go along fishing and hiking.

She never gave her mother or I a lot of grief, at least not that I knew about.

No matter how low or blue I was feeling she could always cheer me up.

She was very brave and went to Hawaii all by herself to do missionary work.

She had so many boyfriends she didn't hardly know what to do with them all.

She asked me and I didn't know what to tell her.

I told her to ask her mother.

Well Chelsea, I can't think of much more to say right now than I love you very much and I am proud to have you for a daughter.

the perfect life

i woke up at six a.m. today to register for classes. i am determined to graduate next winter but the school system frustrates me because they barely offer the classes that i need, and even when they do the sections are filled up immediately. which means i send emails begging to be added to classes. and then i go to the classes on the first day and beg in person to be added to classes. sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't, but i really don't want to pay for an extra semester of college because they don't offer the credits they require me to take in order to graduate. i'm a little embarassed to admit that i have a bit of that conspiracy spirit in me and i sometimes view the whole university system as somewhat of a scam, where they are intentionally screwing lots of students over so they can keep raking in the dough ... but that's not a very good attitude for me to have, now is it? :)

so with that frustrating start to my early morning i went to a dull class, then headed to the gym and read a magazine while i biked. let me explain that i LOVE magazines. ever since the days of "american girl" and "clubhouse" i've been hooked. i used to buy magazines at the grocery store even though they were overpriced, because i was worried they'd stop publishing them if no one bought them. that was when the failing economy was freaking the nation out and journalism was supposedly going under, and of course my worst fear was: what if grocery stores stop buying magazines and you have nothing to skim over in the checkout lines?! must. help. economy.

all of that to say, i was pretty content to be reading "self" magazine and pedaling away to my music. i was even happier when i stumbled across an article about choosing to be happy. the author told a story of how her six-year-old daughter came and jumped on her bed early one morning to wake her up and said, "mom. we have the perfect life." this mom wasn't feeling that way with her piles of work to do and a rough year of a near-divorce, death of her parents, and now being woken up at 6am. "dad is an artist and i'm an artist too. you're a writer. and we have the best dog and the best two cats. and we're having waffles for breakfast this morning, remember?"

how true. and how easy to forget. i have the perfect life too.

and sometimes it's perfectly imperfect. i mean am i the only who can't stand those seemingly perfect people? they're irritating as anything. so i imagine that a perfect life would probably be just as irritating. perfectly imperfect for me is complaining about the things that go wrong and being able to laugh at them when you see the looks on your friends faces and realize how crazy you sound. perfectly imperfect is jumping on your bed you're so happy and what do you know, it breaks and you get yelled at. (well whose idea was it to buy me an antique bed in the first place mom and dad? let the record show that to this day i am the only one in my family who does not have an antique fetish.)

it's not the "perfect" memories that stick out. my favorite stories are the ridiculous ones. getting on the wrong bus with my dad and being on the road an extra half hour as we both blamed each other for the error. unintentionally chugging a milkshake on a blind date and being told - "wow, i've never had a girl finish eating before me!" missing the right train stop on the way home from new york with my friends and catching a ride with a man from borneo. getting trained at my first job by my brother and watching him drop a whole angel food cake on the floor, only to put it right back out to serve everyone, mmm. singing off-key with my friends, whether it's "frere jacques" in a driveway at midnight,or "linger" by the cranberries on a rough road trip. there is nothing perfect about those memories but somehow they always make me smile and think, how perfect ...

my brother's wedding

my big brother got married last weekend. november 6, 2010. i was wildly excited for this day but as it got closer and closer the hype might've gotten to me a little. a lot. i banned my mother from talking about the wedding - which she didn't do. i told her that the wedding could only be referred to as "the coconut" because i was so sick of hearing the word wedding - which she actually did. and it made me laugh every time.

what will i remember about this wedding?

i will remember how i couldn't fall asleep for two nights before the wedding because i was soo excited. i will remember waking up the morning of the wedding before my alarm and running downstairs yelling "WHERE ARE THE PRESENTS!?!?!" because it felt like a day bigger than christmas, and my mom just rolled her eyes and said, "only you chelsea." i will remember cindy's sister showing up late to the b&b saying that she had a crazy morning and yet she whipped out a tshirt she made that morning which read: "francis-shank wolfpack." i will remember the bridesmaids traipsing around that morning practicing our high high heels while cindy just seemed to be laughing at us. i will remember how calm cindy seemed and being impressed at how she pulled together such an incredible event.

i will remember how i could've cried at how beautiful cindy looked in her wedding gown and that i was positive colby would cry when he saw her - or at the very least shed a few stoic tears. i couldn't see his face when she walked down the aisle (my favorite part of weddings!), but i don't think that he did. i will remember jon reading from job. i will remember the bee that landed on cindy during the wedding and how i almost jumped out of stance to take the sting, but she remained shockingly calm considering her hatred of bugs. i will remember trying not to laugh while her sisters lost it on either side of me and trying not to fall over in my shoes. i will remember randy mentioning something about difficult times in his message and thinking, 'i hope not, but colby can handle anything.' i will remember how glad i was to walk with dan because he was so much fun. being so happy for colby and thinking if smiles could burst mine probably would. feeling so proud of him and marveling at how good he was at being a groom. i will remember getting a few much needed bear hugs from my dad. i will remember how smoking hott my mom looked and wondering how she had so much energy. (i am contending for her ageless genes - please God?) i will remember gushing about how beautiful cindy looked and colby saying - "she always looks good."

i will remember resenting the groomsmen during outside pictures when they complained about sweating in their suits while my teeth were chattering and my heels kept sinking into the mud. i will remember jess climbing up a hill on all fours. and the photographer saying to joel, "hey uh buddy, don't look up at the sky." (can't wait to see that picture.) i will remember feeling so exhausted at that point that i made a mental note to elope. but then with some wild applause at our reception entrance and a delicious dinner (a hungry chelsea isn't usually a happy chelsea) i got my second wind. i will remember trying to mentally will the day to slow down so that i could make the most of it before it ended too quickly. and thinking '100 people is a lot more than i realize, i don't think i can give a speech after all ...' but doing it afraid anyway and watching my brother and his brand new wife while i spoke and just feeling indescribably happy for them. and thankful for such a wonderful older brother and sister-in-law.

and just in case i don't remember these things, now they're written down ...

Sometimes

"Sometimes you’re the only Bible that people get to read."

"Sometimes you put walls up not to keep people out, but to see who cares enough to break them down."

"Sometimes questions are more important than answers."

"Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, "I will try again tomorrow.” "

"Sometimes I wish I were a kid again; skinned knees are a lot easier to fix than a broken heart."

"Sometimes the answer to prayer is not that it changes life, but that it changes you."

"Sometimes the questions are complicated and the answers are simple." [Dr Seuss]

"Sometimes I've believed as many as six impossible things before breakfast." [Lewis Carroll]

He doesn't see things like we do

God sees everything differently than man does. how encouraging is that? not that we're all completely far gone and incapable of seeing things from His perspective, but the things we get caught up by and so often consume us, causing us pain and strife ... they're not even what He is looking at!

1 Samuel 16:7 "But the Lord said to Samuel, "Do not consider his appearance or his height, for I have rejected him. The Lord does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart."

1 Corinthians 4:5 "Therefore judge nothing before the appointed time; wait till the Lord comes. He will bring to light what is hidden in darkness and will expose the motives of men's hearts. At that time each will receive his praise from God."

i'm afraid i spent a lot of years wasting time on trying to figure out what God wants by looking at what other people do. comparing my spiritual walk to theirs and modeling things off of people instead of just getting at God's heart. the times i just pursue, obey and enjoy God ... when i am just myself with Him ... are the absolute sweetest. but the times i have felt most discouraged and confused are when i take my focus off the Lord and look at everything around me. then i become overwhelmed by circumstances, disappointed with who i am in comparison to who others are, or jealous of what other people seem to so easily achieve.

i love knowing that God sees my heart. i love that in the midst of criticism or feeling like i somehow need to prove myself - i don't have to! there is no pressure because God sees the movements of our hearts and that is what He'll judge us by. this also reminds me of the importance of guarding my heart too. because letting junk into our heart and keeping it there does more damage than the stuff that shows up on the outside. the outside sin or struggle is always a result of what's going on inside.

there are things inside of you that you're afraid to tell other people. there are honest cries of your heart that you feel like a mess or a failure and wonder how that will ever shift. there are dreams inside of you that you don't think are possible ... or brush aside because they seem selfish or silly ... but God sees all of that. He sees every intent in your heart, every struggle and every question, and every sincere desire to follow Him. i believe that He sees the ways you have been judged by others and how that has affected you deeply, and He wants you to know that He doesn't judge like that! He doesn't see you the way that people do, or the way you perceive other people to see you! in fact, He sees you in a much better way than you even see yourself and He loves you way more than you imagine.

i should've written that last paragraph in the first person, but i'm too lazy to go back and change it, or maybe too embarrassed? but i hope that somebody out there in internet land will read this and connect with some part of what i wrote and realize the depth of God's love for them and the reality of His ability to bring your dreams to the surface. no matter what! (and not only to the surface but into fruition!) along with the wonder of living face to face with God and resting in knowing that He knows and loves your heart!

mike bickle teaches on david's revelation of the heart of God, and david truly had a life-changing perspective here, because he recognized this reality that God does not see things the way that man does. david was neglected by his own family, but it didn't matter because God chose him. knowing that God saw him differently caused david to see everything differently - his heart, life and the people around him ... all for the better. God never cut david off when he messed up (big time - hello adultery and murder! but hey, there i go judging by man's standards) because He saw his sincere heart. david was called a man after God's own heart. i've always been fascinated by that - what greater compliment could someone be given?! even in failure, God sees the movement of the heart and still sees SUCCESS. crying out to God was always the beginning of victory for david and it can be for all of us too - easy enough, right?

part two ...

this is part two of "sh*t chelsea's dad says." because while the book about someone else's dad is incredibly hilarious (so much so that i've already dedicated a post to that), i'll always be partial to my own dad's antics ...

"never drink whiskey chelsea."
"why not dad?" [this could easily seem like a strange question for a girl to ask her dad when he tells her not to drink, but keep in mind that my dad has always been openly baffled by my lack of interest in smoking and drugs.]
"that's what they gave to the indians to drink. and then they stole all their stuff and ruined their lives. so you don't even want to touch whiskey, because we've got indian in our blood and you never know what's gonna happen to you when you mess with that stuff."

"sometimes i'm so tired i have to get up in the middle of the night and take a nap."

"you should've brought me an iced tea."
"oh i would've, but i thought you told me you weren't allowed to drink that in here?"
"well it just has to be caffeine free. and diet."
"i thought you don't like caffeine free diet iced tea?"
"i don't. but i'm getting used to it. you can get used to anything if you do it long enough - even hanging."
[picture mortified/disgusted look on chelsea's unable-to-be-filtered-animated face. dad laughs and decides to go get sodas instead ...]
"are you sure you don't want a soda chelsea?"
"nah i don't like soda."
"you are healthy, aren't you? after i live long enough, and my body is completely shot, then i'll start eating and drinking healthy."

"dad i want you to write a song about me."
"about you? my daughter?"
"yes, me!"
"alright."
"okay, just start singing it."
"she was little but feisty ... ... it's gonna be hard to find something that rhymes with that chelsea."

i love, i love ...

i love the way the stars were falling out of the sky when i was driving home last night. they felt so close. like i was back in the midwest. i've never been in the midwest, but i love the way i compare real experiences to the way i imagine future experiences to be. like comparing things to europe and africa all the time, even though i've never been there. i love the way i was tracing the stars like designs in the sky while i drove then swerved back to reality when i remembered i'd already been pulled over on that road before and should probably focus. even i would be embarassed to hit a pole and say it was because i'd simply become too enamored by the stars to fully concentrate on the road. kinda sounds like the little girl i saw at work with a cast on her arm who explained to me , "oh, i was chasing a butterfly and i tripped." her mom rolled her eyes and held up her arms to me as if to say 'what are ya gonna do?' and i laughed cause i could see my mom and me in that mom and daughter.

i love laughing with my mom. ohhh we are crazy together. and apart. i love the way i am not so afraid of becoming like my parents anymore. i guess i thought they were weirder than me when i was growing up - who was i kidding?! i've inherited quirks from both of them and created my own, amplifying that supposed weirdness and embracing it. much to my friends delight and chagrin. delight when it means that the things i do yield wonderful results - or so i like to think. i'll ask anyone for anything and it has been known to get us shortcuts, lifeguards phone numbers, things crossed off our life lists, discounts and freebies, or at the very least some hilarious conversations. i love when i spouted off a bunch of typical chelsea gibberish the other weekend and one of my best friends shook her head and said something like, "you know, people say that you have to drink to have fun, but listen to you. you're completely sober right now and i've never heard anyone say ANYTHING like this ..." i don't know if a 'you're welcome' or 'i am so sorry' would have been the more appropriate response, but it didn't matter - because i just laughed.

oh those expectations

ahhh fall, i love it. i don't know if it's because this summer was so disgustingly humid or what, but i am in love with everything about this new season! i sat outside by the pond after class today and spent some time with the Lord and it was just so good. since i read soo much for my classes, i'm not gonna lie - i don't feel like reading my Bible much. i am well aware that life isn't about doing what we "feel like" when we "feel like" it, but i'm just being honest. there's only so much reading a day can hold for me. and then when i do read my Bible, i remember how good it is (haha silly) and i get swept away reading that and before i know it i have to go to class and i never read the prologue to the canterbury tales. and when my teacher calls on me for examples of kennings from beowulf i'm distracted by how good the Lord is and have to execute my acting skills which, let me tell you, come in handy when answering questions in that class. (thank you living room talent shows and middle school theater productions, you trained me well.)

but this morning by the pond ... thinking about how much i love ducks, how the fish looked like they were sleeping and how the light through the trees couldn't be anymore perfect than it was ... one of the somethings i felt the Lord told me was that i have low expectations for Him and high expectations for people. ouch. high expectations for people was no surprise, but when i considered the parallel of my low expectations for Him ... ick! praise the Lord for renewing our minds - this has to change!

it made me look back in my journal at my notes from dan mohler, who spoke at my church (you can listen to his message and others at threshold's website) a few weekends ago. i was mostly convicted about SELFISHNESS, but he touched on expectations as well. his message was soo phenomenol that i'm passing along a tiny bit of the goodness the Lord spoke through him ...

• by putting an expectation on another person i do them a great injustice and have all of a sudden placed the gospel in a person and not in Jesus
• if people owe you then you're already disappointed. don't let their failures dictate you. don't let where they're not determine where you are.
• Christ is the barometer - not people! if someone is doing you wrong, they just don't see who they are and who Christ is. we forget how lost people are because we're too busy being selfish.

not if, but when

"if i write a book ..." is something i started saying occasionally after a lot of people told me that i should write one. writing a book used to seem like climbing mt everest or wrestling a bull - sure, people do it, but not me. it seemed like an enormously impossible feat. now i feel more confident that i could write a book, because when i see a lot of the things that get published ... well, it increases my confidence that i have worthwhile things to say and writing a book is not impossible.

one of my professors this semester says "not IF you go to london, but WHEN you go then, because you must ..." no one in the class has ever been to london. and yet every day she is still every bit as shocked as the first time she found out none of us have ever been to london. what with my textbooks costing $500 this semester and all the spare cash that college students have lying around, i really am appalled at myself for not jetting off to london for the weekend to appease her.

i'm going to start saying "not IF i write a book, but WHEN i write a book ..." it's one of those speech nuances i need to correct in myself, and hopefully that phrase will turn into simply "when i write a book" and before i know it i will have written a book. (or several, because i've got some clever titles. but it's entirely possible that i have more book title ideas than book material, just like i have way more dog name ideas than i could probably ever use.) another little speech nuance would be how i always say "i just" or "God can you just ..." JUST is a pretty loaded word. others frequently correct me for the way that i use it. i tend to say "oh i just work at ... oh i'm just a hostess ..." or "oh i just go to ..." - instead of making more enthusiastic declarations.

the tendency some of us have to pray, "God just ..." is something i get a kick out of. i say and hear plenty of "God just ..." prayers. like it's no big deal. except you can be sure that little word "just" almost always prefaces something pretty colossal. maybe that's a good way to pray, because what we see as unmovable mountains really are no big deal to God. i don't want anything to ever seem bigger to me than God, because nothing is bigger than Him and i always want my vision to be completely consumed by Him.

so just heal my dad God, okay?
just make him 100% healthy inside and out. just balance out all the chemicals, just heal every wound, just break through in him like only You can. just be Your powerful merciful kind gracious generous self and heal him. just answer every prayer that has ever been prayed on his behalf, because i know there have been a lot. just make him healthy and whole the way i know you want all of us to be. just make him function at full capacity and live, really live, an abundant life. just know my heart and correct me when i'm wrong, but i'm really going after this and i don't want to waste my time or Yours, but You're outside of time so i guess i can't really do that to You. just remember every tear i've shed because sometimes it feels like they've almost all been about him, and just see the ones on my face right now and just heal him, please. i don't want to keep asking for something if we already possess it, so just tell me if he's healed and i just don't see it yet. just do it so that when i write a book about him it isn't just about him being bipolar and it doesn't stop where he is now. amen.

so not IF i write a book, but WHEN i write a book ... it's going to be about my dad and me. and not IF he is healed, but WHEN he is healed ... there will be a book and so much more!

"I will not die but live, and will proclaim what the LORD has done." Psalm 118:17

i'm all over the place with this one

“A child kicks his legs rhythmically through excess, not absence, of life. Because children have abounding vitality, because they are in spirit fierce and free, therefore they want things repeated and unchanged. They always say, “Do it again”; and the grown-up person does it again until he is nearly dead. For grown-up people are not strong enough to exult in monotony. But perhaps God is strong enough to exult in monotony. It is possible that God says every morning, “Do it again” to the sun; and every evening, “Do it again” to the moon. It may not be automatic necessity that makes all daisies alike; it may be that God makes every daisy separately, but has never got tired of making them. It may be that He has the eternal appetite of infancy; for we have sinned and grown old, and our Father is younger than we. The repetition in Nature may not be a mere recurrence; it may be a theatrical encore. Heaven may encore the bird who laid an egg.” [G.K. Chesterton]

i love g.k. chesterton quotes. that's from his book "orthodoxy" which i sure haven't read but it makes me want to. except i've heard his books are reallly hard to read through and honestly, i'm not that into reading hard books. i'm an english major but i find my classmates discussions in all of my lit classes to be a giant bore. i have more of a knack for reading books that end up turning into great movies.

but i guess great movies is relative, and i should clarify that i mean all things nicholas sparks or "the time travelers wife," which i think everyone besides me hated. (also "the babysitters club movie," which i own, but that confession is neither here nor there.) i'm not into classic books that get turned into epic movies. not even "pride & prejudice." the book was okay, the movie was okay, but i just don't get the obsession. and i should actually clarify again that not all books-gone-movies steal my heart, because i did not read or watch "twilight" and contrary to the belief of the annoying boy who told me i need to stop doing things "just to be different," i actually just don't like vampires. (and then he got all surprised when i said i love yellow lab puppies because that's what everyone loves. which should have proved to him that i do what i like, regardless of popular opinion. ugh.) i think the concept of a romance with a vampire is weird, and i think i'm entitled to that opinion as much as girls everywhere are entitled to devote themselves to team edward or team jacob. and i am once again entitled to think it's all a little crazy.

it worried me when i first realized what a peculiar english major i was, and i questioned whether i should switch to something else, but it's okay because 1) your college major is not that important in the big picture of life 2) while i don't adore classical literature, i think the way my eyes lit up when i saw a class called "transformational grammar" makes me a pretty good candidate for my major and 3) being a bit paradoxical is biblical. all of life in the spirit is paradoxical. we have to give to receive, die to live, and God is a righteous judge who demands the death penalty for sin BUT paid it Himself. we live in the tension of knowing God has plans for our entire lives, and yet He wants us to be led by His Spirit every moment of each day. none of this paradoxical business really has anything to do with me and my major ( ... except that i so often feel like such a paradox), it's just stuff i've been learning ... and i like it!

i also really like this whole blog post by beth moore's daughter, melissa - that's where i got that chesterton quote, as well as the following ...

"What if, instead of dreaming about how bright the city lights are in Bangkok, or longing for a cool starry night out on a ranch out in Montana, I took notice of the way the sun dances on my old cracked hardwood floors from the hours of 6-8 pm, as if they were its vintage stage? What if, each time I saw a butterfly, I imagined God standing at an easel painting the delicate and intricate patterns displayed on its wings? Or, what if, instead of being annoyed by the boisterous giggling of two people in my local coffee shop, I thanked God for the gift of laughter and comic relief or imagined the kinds of things that may bring a smile to His face. I wonder what my life would be like if I used my overactive imagination, not to daydream about far away lands or fantasy peoples, but to make sense of and delight in my own little world and the people I encounter on a daily basis."

i am always looking for ways to utilize my "overactive" imagination, except i prefer not to call it overactive. i think overactive is a cap the world tries to put on creativity, and when walking with God you really can't have too wild or crazy of an imagination. preachers emphasize learning faith and trust from kids, but what about using their awesome imaginations as a springboard for ours? i want to get MORE imaginative as i get older, not less! what if the things you imagined as a kid were only the beginning? what if they were telling of a future and destiny far more fulfilling than conforming to any american dream? i love the image of God 'painting the delicate and intricate patterns' of a butterfly. once i heard someone say they hoped their job in heaven would be painting the sunsets and i silently prayed i would get a cool job like that too. maybe helping to make the waves in the ocean or coming up with new COLORS. the idea that there are more colors in heaven than on earth ... well, i love it! and believing we have the authority to bring the kingdom of heaven to earth, makes me excited to see what God is going to do through my whole life - the mundane and the marvelous, the faraway future and the right now.

chelsea in the kitchen?

you know what's funny?
i keep adding food blogs to my blogroll over there. have i ever made anything from any of these blogs? no. do i practically drool over all of the food pictures? yes. do i subconsciously pretend i am someone who cooks healthy and organic ... or even just someone that cooks? yes.

is one of my favorite movie quotes when carrie bradshaw/sarah jessica parker says - "... except for the closet, which Big says he can redo, and also he says the kitchen needs work. of course, i don't know about that because i keep sweaters in my stove. " yes, yes, yes. and when carrie says, "the only thing i've ever successfully made in the kitchen is a mess. and several little fires."

that is the kitchen language i speak. i know all about making hummus. with your best friend. in three hours. with three trips to the grocery store. and even though she thought it tasted and smelled terrible, i was stuffing my face and loving it ... until i felt sick afterward and have not eaten hummus since. i know all about making peanut butter fudge and instead of using ONE 7oz container of marshmellow fluff as the recipe calls for, using a whopping 17oz because you misread the recipe you sloppily wrote down. and then giving the fudge away as a gift because so help me God if i was going to eat that mess. i know about making cookies with your best friend and scraping them out of the microwave (it doubled as a convection oven, calm down) in hysterical laughter saying, "wooow, we are DOMESTIC." "yup ... some guy's gonna be sooo lucky."

and actually, i did make something from one of those blogs. pillow cookies on bakerella. i was on a baking kick for a few weeks (yeah, it happens) but pillow cookies put an end to that one. those chocolate chip cookies stuffed with brownies were delicious, but they looked nothing like the picture. mine looked like chocolate chip cookies stuffed with brownies. not "pillows."

i should start a blog with pictures of me attempting to recreate the pictures of food on other blogs. only instead of this blog inspiring people to cook, it will serve as more of a dieting tool. the pictures will NOT make people hungry or eager to try the recipes, and it could act as a twisted kind of kitchen encouragement. just when someone starts to feel bad about their cooking, they will remember that crazy person who used tomato paste instead of tomato sauce on her pizza and know it could always be worse.

created for greatness - that'd be you (& me)

"keep away from those who try to belittle your ambitions. small people always do that, but the really great make you believe that you too can become great." [mark twain]

kids these days

there's a kid in the office today. two actually. whenever parents bring their kids into the office they sternly tell them to stay out of everyone's way and not bother anyone, but i always silently hope the kids will come "bother" me. and they usually do. (the office dog hangs out with me a lot and there's a bowl of candy on my desk, so i'm kind of a magnet.)

part of me hopes i have my own office when i have kids so that i can bring my kids in to experience the magic. the other part knows that i don't want to work in an office my whole life. one day my boss and i were working on a project and we could see the kids playing outside at the daycare in our backyard. she nodded in that direction and said, "oh god, aren't you glad you don't have to work at a place like that?" actually i had literally just been thinking how much i wished i was working at that daycare, getting paid to run around on the playground.

i l-o-v-e-d going to the hospital my mom works at when i was little (and it was probably my lingering childhood fascination that inspired me to get a job there later, ha). for whatever reason it was the most exciting experience. the parking garage in and of itself was amazing, let alone riding the glass elevator you could look out and see the city from. walking in through a revolving door. riding up an escalator and then another elevator with buttons to press. an endless supply of plastic gloves, swirly desk chairs with wheels, huge slices of pizza from the cafeteria, waiting rooms with cable TV, the hospital gift shop, and a machine by the pharmacy to stick your arm in for who knows what reason.

i was a shy little kid but that place must've put me in really good spirits, because one of her coworkers still brings up the fact that i used to always tell jokes?! i have NO recollection of doing that, but i wish i could hear them now. if they were anything like the jokes i wrote on a birthday card for my dad, they must've been a real treat ...

"Q. What is 2+2+2? A. You should know, you're 40!

Q. Know how to jump in the pool? A. Jump in the punch!"

most of the kids who visit this office are disappointingly inadept at creating their own fun and enjoying the magic of the office. their parents shut them up with video games and high tech things i do not know the names of. i never had that stuff and i'm grateful. i hope my kids won't hate me for limiting that in their lives, but i guess i don't care that much because i think it's ridiculous how computerized kids are.

i seat families at work and all three kids will be gaming away on their little gadgets. (wow, gadgets - really chelsea? i do need to get with it at least a little and learn what some of those things are called.) one little boy who couldn't have been older than nine years old asked me if we had wifi. he got mad when i said no. you're eating dinner at red lobster with your family and you're NINE, what could you possibly need the internet for?! same with the 12-year-olds texting throughout an entire meal - i thought it was bad enough when people my age do that, but again, you're 12, what could you possibly be texting about?! yesterday i overheard a kid (again, age 12 or less cause she definitely asked for a kids menu) say - "oh mom, i only know her last name on facebook. i can't think of it now." seriously?!

it really shouldn't bother me ... but it does. my poor kids. but hey, maybe their technological-deprivation will take their imaginations to the extreme and they will cure cancer or outdo ralph lauren or build a better mousetrap. you never know.

freewriting

here i am again at my desk as the intern. the novelty of working in an office has worn off, but at least the fun of dressing up is still every bit as fun. except for these past weeks that i've been dogsitting - cleaning up dog crap in a dress before work is not fun. (scratch that, cleaning up dog crap is never fun ... no inside pets for me.)

i've taken to throwing on my sneakers to run around with the dog in my dress each morning - a positively stylish combination but altogether necessary because the dog is irritatingly affectionate and needs me by its side. it's always rubbing up against me. on car rides (i do like to take the dog for hikes) i get so drenched in slobber that i just embrace it, believe it or not. my mom came with me to pick blueberries one night and the dog was all up in my space and i said - "see mom, this is why i have never been an animal lover! i need my personal space! and animals don't care about that! ughhh!" she said, "hey you're the one who's always saying 'i just wish i had a dog to snuggle with ..." "okay i know i say that, but i only want it to be on my terms ..." (hahaha story of my selfish life, Lord have mercy) this dog doesn't understand my terms.

i also need to be wearing the sneakers to kick the cats away. i just do not like cats. it was my understanding that these cats were half wild and wouldn't require attention, but as soon as i pulled into this house they were all up in my space too, like i was a freaking catnip bush or dead mouse or whatever cats are attracted to.

but that's housesitting and it ends today (hallelujah!) while interning lasts another month. i'm writing a few articles and needed to take a break from all that methodical writing and channeled thinking for some freewriting. five minutes of freewriting i told myself, and i decided it's going to be about a ridiculous five minute incident from yesterday ...

i was humming along to this song at the gym yesterday,"you've got such a pretty smile, it's a shame the things you hide behind it ...", feeling depressed like the song intends and apparently lost in thought too, because when i went to sit down on the rowing machine i FELL OFF. not in one slick motion but SEVERAL as i tried to get my butt back on the moving seat. anyone else probably could've used their hands to catch themselves but these hands were busy guzzling water from a waterbottle, and i proceeded to spit all of that water everywhere (my shirt, the floor, so ladylike) as i started laughing out loud at myself. a slightly embarassing scene considering the cute gym boys were right next to me cleaning off the cardio machines. actually they're not even cute, but even though i've gone to that gym three years now i'm still incredibly awkward around them. i refuse to take the blame for all of the awkwardness though, because i'm always perfectly pleasant with a big smile and "hi/hey/hello" when i walk in, only to be grunted at?! sometimes a head nod or mumbled hello, but really boys? you're getting paid to stand at a desk, at least fake a smile and make some eye contact. but maybe they shouldn't, or they'll soon be faking smiles a lot and humming along to songs and hurting themselves on rowing machines ... hmm.

nixiness

i made a joke about walking my friends dog down the aisle at her wedding, and because i make all sorts of offhand comments and jokes, didn't think anything of it. that is until she called me later that evening and told me she would seriously love if i did that, because it would be hilarious. i said no way jose, and tried to persuade her that wedding ceremonies aren't meant to be hilarious. she told me i should pray about it. let's just say the only prayer i offered up on the matter was "dear GOD don't let her be serious ..." and He was faithful to answer, because thankfully she asked me to read scripture instead. now i am praying that i will not laugh WHILE i'm reading, because one look at the bride and i could lose it. we have a long history of hysterical fits of laughter together, as if my personal track record wasn't enough.

my face is full of nixiness (in the picture below) as i hold in my laughter at the last wedding i read scripture in. i might as well make it my new thing. since i hate when people ask, "so what are your hobbies?" frick if i have hobbies?! i go to school and i work. i don't have money for cool hobbies and i don't have interest in lame hobbies ... but in what spare time remains i do manage to give a mean scripture reading at weddings. (and come to think of it, attending weddings might as well be a hobby of mine too.)

"20 bucks, First Corinthians."

"Double or nothing, Colossians 3:12. "

"And now a reading from Paul's first letter to the Corinthians ..." [Wedding Crashers]

lessons from dad

i laughed out loud until the guy next to me asked me what book i was reading at barnes and noble. it was "sh*t my dad says" and as much as i enjoyed it, i couldn't help being disappointed in myself for not thinking of publishing what MY dad says for some extra bucks. but i think i'm going to start writing down my conversations with my dad just for my own entertainment. he says more funny stuff than i can keep track of, but here's a few life lessons from dinner with my dad this weekend ...

on self-esteem:
"oh no chelsea, oh no, i don't think you should ride on motorcycles. cause then i'm gonna have to find your body under some bridge or you're gonna get all burned up and..." (i mean the way he talks about things like this, it is a miracle in and of itself that i do not live everyday in binding fear, sheesh.)
"oh dad, that's not gonna happen. i'd be too upset if my legs got ruined by fire." (because logically, if you don't want something to happen, it won't, haha.)
"you've got quite the self-esteem. not like me. i don't have any self-esteem."
"well you should dad, you look good."
"i know. i look great. imagine if i acted as good as i looked."

on modesty:
"bikinis are of the devil chelsea."
"would you have said that when you were my age dad? is that the devil standing with you in all those pictures with random girls on the beach?"
"now chelsea, that's different."

on a healthy diet:
"can you open this butter for me?"
"yeah, but dad you already put a whole pack of butter on that roll."
"well so what, it's not good without butter and butter's not bad for you is it?"
"yes dad! it's terrible for your cholesterol!"
"oh, well i'm borderline diabetic so i guess i'd better watch it." (as he spreads the rest of the butter inch deep across the roll ...)
"does cholesterol have anything to do with diabetes?"
"i'm not sure, where's the salt? pass me that salt there ... is salt bad for you?"
"ohmygosh, i think you know that answer."
"aren't you gonna eat those chips?"
"no i don't like chips."
"well then give em to me. what's wrong with you, you don't even finish your plate ..."
"well i don't like chips. most people don't eat the parsley garnish and it's definitely not normal to eat the entire lemon peel."
and i kid you not, he stops eating, turns to me and says, "chelsea, normal is just a setting on washing machines and dryers. that's all normal is." and then he went back to eating his baked potato. with his hand.

cindy & colby

i took these pictures back in january. i love colby and cindy so much, that kind of love that just fills you up and can't be explained. they're both so successful, grounded, solid and kind - i look up to them a lot. and thank God for their great sense of humor. i'm excited to gain such a classy sister. i've more than loved having colby for my big brother for 22 (and counting!) years of fights, baseball, forts, never getting to watch what i want on TV (thanks for that though, now i don't have that habit), getting toughened up, being protected, adventures (a lot of those), making fun of people, and laughing - mostly at our parents, and me. not so much at colby, mr. cool ... which is why i took the little sister liberty to include a few shots of his hilarious expressions ... i'll let you guess which ones crack me up.

SURPRISE!

"chelsea you're a prayer warrior." "who said that dad?" (i knew he wouldn't have told me that off the cuff - not his lingo at all.) "ohh that's a secret ..." "DAD! WHO?"
and so goes a typical conversation with my dad.
"chelsea i saw your friends today ..." "who?" "ohh just guess ..." "MOM! WHO?"
and so goes a typical conversation with my mom.

my parents are both all about the little secrets and the surprises. and i absolutely LOVE surprises. it's not like they ever threw me a huge surprise party or bought me a legendary surprise gift or anything like that. but they work suspense into the day to day of life in such a way that i think it was inevitable for me to wind up this way. i used to think everyone loved surprises as much as me, but i don't think so anymore.

one time a guy who was in love with my friend told her that he had a surprise for us. (sometimes i get dragged into random events? haha) she couldn't have cared less about him or the surprise. naturally, all day i could only think about the surprise. "chelsea, who freaking cares? it's going to be so lame anyway! who does that? how old does he think we are?! this guy is weird." "maybe. but what do you think it is?! i mean, it could be anything!"

i think the suspense is what makes surprises good, even if the surprise itself isn't that extraordinary. same with life: suspense = fun. why would you want to know everything that's going to happen? it's so much more fun to be surprised. and don't even get me started on surprising others. sometimes i like to do it intentionally but i think i've created a habit of it without realizing it. last week my friends and i were talking about the future and someone said that it would be just like me to not tell anyone that i was pregnant until i started showing. i couldn't stop laughing when she said that, because that idea never occurred to me, but it definitely inspired me. they said they'd be mad, but i'm not sure why? (okay maybe i see why. just a little bit.)

i'm also not sure why everyone wants to live life the same way? let's all force ourselves to go to wedding showers and baby showers, tradition, tradition. and if i'm the only one who hates them, it shouldn't bother anyone that i don't go because they'll be having the time of their life without me. there's got to be an alternative ... pending on money, blasted money ... when i'm engaged maybe i'll have a pre-wedding yacht excursion. tanning, fishing, no group games, floating on the water past sunset with lots of twinkly lights and laughter. or a backyard concert. or a private dolphin show where everyone gets a chance to swim with the dolphins. or be kissed by the sea lions, i've always wanted to do that but so far i've never been chosen from the audience.

and for a baby shower? rent out a spa or something. and i will be the one full of surprises. "oh wow thank you for this diaper genie, instead of a thank you card i got you a diamond necklace. yes, tiffany's. they gave me a discount for buying in such a mass quantity. what's that? you're feeling bad that all you got me was a freaking diaper genie that i don't really know what to do with? sure you can make it up to me by babysitting every friday night for free, absolutely ..." and the food at this shenanigan will be incredible, because by that time i will have invented desserts that are delicious, full of essential vitamins and antioxidants, and produce negative calories. like you chew celery and burn calories, only you will be eating this cheesecake or triple chocolate something but it will make your skin radiant, your hair shine and your muscles defined. (come to think of it, this invention alone will probably provide more than enough funds for ALL of these joyful events ...)

but that's just off the top of my head ... i wouldn't want to have it all figured out now.

catholics

"I think the essence of Catholicism is beautiful. . . . What I would love to see is for Catholicism to survive this, so that true Catholicism can shine." [sinead o'connor]

i found this article about sinead o'connor and her ever evolving relationship with the catholic church to be very interesting ... http://http//www.politicsdaily.com/2010/06/01/sinead-oconnor-pop-star-mom-is-an-unlikely-prophet-for-a-scand/?hpid=artslot&sms_ss=facebook. i don't really listen to sinead now, but i remember taking her CD into elementary school music class because when i was growing up i was always determined to be different in my music taste, cooler than everyone else bringing in their nsync, backstreet boys and britney spears. of course my music teacher loved me for it, so maybe i was just a suckup? even in high school i was weird about making sure i liked "cool" music, but by then it backfired because one of my teachers got into an ongoing music discussion with me that always seemed to be more about hitting on me than it was about music, but who knows ... i'm just thankful i grew out of that phase and listen to whatever i want now.

what i also found interesting ... and was intending to write about before my mind wandered down musical memory lane, oops ... was that after reading the article i naturally ended up working with a bunch of people tonight who "randomly" started talking about growing up catholic. they all hated it and agreed that they were going to hell now. it's in a half joking half serious kind of way, and with a totally different view of hell than me. to them hell is almost a better option, because it allows them to do whatever they want now. plus church is so miserable that they won't be missing anything in hell anyway. to me ... hell is the complete absence of the presence of God. i know God and love His presence. i never want to be someplace that He is not. let alone be trapped there for eternity. such a daunting thought.

my heart is heavy for people who haven't experienced the presence of God, or aren't aware of it ... who don't understand that He is a good God ... who have only experienced religion and equated that with who the Lord is. i'm glad He put this on my heart and i'm encouraged by sinead o'connor's boldness. obviously i'm not catholic or endorsing catholicism, but God is our redeemer and i'm excited to see Him redeem all of His people.

it's always always fine

"it's always always fine" is the best saying of my life. or at least one of the top ten. my friend and i coined it after discussing those times we freak out about stuff, and while in that moment it feels like the whole world is going to end if the stress doesn't kill you first ... it's always always fine.

reminding myself of this simple truth works wonders. the best example of "it's always always fine" and the power of prayer seeing me through happened a few weeks ago. i had a loose plan for the summer. it's not that i'm a big planner, but i hate to be aimless and try to be purposeful. however, a week before my summer class was scheduled to start i got an email saying it was canceled. i was pissed and started brainstorming what summer job i could find this last-minute to go with the evening/weekend hours at my current job. ("maybe i can plant tobacco? i know it's hard, but at least i'll get really tan." and with an attitude like that, God knows i would've been such a shining star in the fields - i'm sure all the guys are out there are thinking about their tan, haha.)

but in the back of my mind there was that still small voice that i freaking ADORE of the Lord telling me that it was all going to work out and i could trust Him. all of the other summer classes were filled up so i got busy emailing professors for permission to be added into their class. then i got really crazy and called all of them to leave desparate voicemails. i got zero responses but i did get an email about an internship that i decided to apply for.

it was the friday before summer classes were starting and i decided to make one more phone call to try to get into the course i needed. i called the english department this time, and someone extra cheery put me on the line with a professor who was less than excited about adding me to his already full class but he agreed. maybe i had saved all of my freaking out for that phone conversation and my desperation was too much for him to turn down. either way, I GOT THE CLASS! (which turned out to be one i needed even more than the one i'd originally planned on taking.) and that same day i found out i had an interview for the internship! and wouldn't you know, this week I STARTED AS THE SUMMER INTERN! could i be any happier? could God be anymore faithful? God never fails. He is always good. He works all things together for good. it's always always fine.

it happened again yesterday, when i was really tired after interning and dreading going into work for the evening. i swung by the gym for a quick in-between-jobs workout, and had two voicemails when i left. the first was an invite to go swimming, my favorite. i pouted because i couldn't go, but the next voicemail was from work ... and they didn't need me to come in that night after all! it went from a dreaded day to a super fun summer night and i can't thank the Lord enough for always looking out for me. God has to get such a kick out of me as i grow in trusting Him. He probably watches me fight the urge to freakout and just laughs to Himself, knowing that He is working it all out in His intricately perfect glory and in a few moments i'll be over-the-top happy. God, help me to hang onto the happy. consume me with joy in all that You are, instead of getting distracted and forgetting to trust you. i trust you because i can - you're awesome! amen and amen.

happy mother's day

when i was little i kept a mental list of everything i wasn't going to do like my mom. (my kids will have chocolate milk for every meal! and i will let them put bumper stickers all over my car & decorate the whole house in multicolored christmas lights!) now i have trouble remembering most of that list as i try to glean as much wisdom as possible from my awesome mom, hero, and bff. i love you forever susan!

snakes

snakes make my toes curl up and i sprint away in complete fear even if someone just tells me a snake might be there. and if i'm out for a run and see a dead one, i run faster because they still give me the creeps. i told myself this would be the summer i'd overcome my fear of snakes, and in saying that i was kind of scared that something bad would happen and i'd really HAVE to face it. (like people telling you if you pray for patience, God will give you plenty of "opportunities.") amidst all the promises for miracles, the things Jesus said about snakes challenge me the most.

"I have given you authority to trample on snakes and scorpions and to overcome all the power of the enemy; nothing will harm you." [Luke 10:19]

"And these signs will accompany those who believe: In my name they will drive out demons; they will speak in new tongues; they will pick up snakes with their hands; and when they drink deadly poison, it will not hurt them at all; they will place their hands on sick people, and they will get well." [Matthew 16:17-18]

so the other weekend when my mom told me she saw FOUR snakes outside, what did i do? i did not wash my car that was parked outside ready to be washed. i did however, check it paranoidly when i left for work, because i'd left the windows down and was afraid a snake may have slithered in. (pathetic, i know.) then i was telling God that i really want to marry a man who will
kill snakes for me. (and not make fun of me for being afraid of them.) i wondered how unreasonable this was, considering that i believe fear is sin and we should not succomb to walking in it.

i think i got my "answer" when i started reading "so long insecurity" by beth moore. i love the way she writes. she talked about walking out in her ranch with her ipod blaring, one hand raised up praising God, and a shotgun in the other - because her husband taught her how to shoot rattlesnakes! what a brilliant solution! so i'm curious to see if i end up with a man who is patient enough to teach me how to shoot (that's a LOT of patience & a lot of faith in me, eek!), or one who will just kill every snake in a five mile vicinity. then again maybe we'll live in hawaii where there are no snakes. i love how every option sounds good when i try to see things from the Lord's perspective ...

rebel rebel

completely absorbed in what i was doing at the cafe today, a lady tapped me on the arm and said, "excuse me, i promise i'm not crazy ..." she hesitated, but i laughed and said, "oh i'm not worried, go ahead!" (i love talking to strangers!) so she continued, "well, i just had to come over and say that this is absolutely beautiful. to see a book that is this used and wornout, and for someone your age it's even more amazing. do you mind if i ask what book it is?" i could hardly believe this conversation was happening, it made me that happy, and i smiled and said, "oh it's my bible!" the smile fell off her face and she seemed really taken aback.

the look on her face when she heard "bible" gave me an instant flashback to a mutual friend's 21st birthday party. his dad was talking to my friend and i, asking where we'd been beforehand. as soon as i said, "church" his entire expression changed and it was like i dropped an eff bomb in a room full of kindergarteners because everyone at the table stopped drinking for a minute (that's a long time at these things) out of shock. when he finally regrouped he stammered 'no that's great, i just didn't expect you to say that.' (granted, it was a saturday night, but those who know me well know that i'll go to church anytime at all.) he was so befuddled that he started spilling his half-drunk-dad-guts to some girl he just met - a girl who had been ready to leave the minute she walked in, up until that conversation. (which ended up evolving into which catholic mass he prefers, not me leading the bar in a mass conversion where everyone ended up getting drunk in the Holy Spirit like i was envisioning ... but i'm sure the Lord was still at work somehow, haha.)

should i be sad that a love for the bible elicits such shock? i don't understand the fear it brings out in people. like the way my lit professor clammed up the day we all had to say our favorite work of literature and i said the bible. she acted like i'd committed a major faux pax and quickly moved onto the next person to rave when they said "grapes of wrath." but as much as i didn't like her reaction i wasn't about to give an answer just because i knew she'd like it. i really really like the bible. there is no way any piece of literature could ever outshine the Bible. there is no other book with an author who lives and wants to interact with us as we read it.

flashforward to the cafe again. a few minutes later, a different lady leans over my table and says, "working huh?" "excuse me?" "you're stuffing envelopes - is it for work?" "ohhhh!" i started laughing, "no, i'm just writing to people." "what?! no way! shut up! i didn't think people did that anymore!" more laughing on my end, "i know right? but i do."

i loved both cafe conversations for a lot of reasons, but especially because i love being a rebel. how am i being a rebel by being a dork reading and writing and spending time with God, you ask? i'd never thought of it as rebellion either, till i heard mark driscoll preach it that way. people call the whole sex-drugs-rock&roll scene rebellion, when in reality that's all been done before. sin is old news. the only true rebellion left for us today is to read our Bibles and follow Jesus! for me to get wasted at someone's 21st party wouldn't have been rebellion, and anyone who's taken a stand for Jesus knows it's a lot harder than following the crowd. for me to find joy in reading the Bible - that's gonna cause the kind of stir a rebel should.

and as for writing notes, that really has nothing to do with being rebellious. that's just me being a dork and loving it all the way.

feelings do not define truth

"My feelings are not God. God is God. My feelings do not define truth. God's word defines truth. My feelings are echoes and responses to what my mind perceives. And sometimes--many times--my feelings are out of sync with the truth. When that happens--and it happens every day in some measure--I try not to bend the truth to justify my imperfect feelings, but rather, I plead with God: Purify my perceptions of your truth and transform my feelings so that they are in sync with the truth. That's the way I live my life every day. I hope you are with me in that battle." [John Piper]

a good word, hey? last night at work it was ridiculously crowded. instead of thinking any number of normal things like 'maybe i'm claustrophobic' or 'this is great for business' ... okay, i can't even come up with another "normal" reaction to it, but i'll tell you mine. it made me think about heaven. and how there are going to be sooo many people there that i might not like it. and i told God that i hope there is a special heaven for introverts. so it's definitely a good thing feelings (especially mine) do not define truth ...

i love johnny cash

"despite his penchant for black clothing and songs about murder, cash was an optimistic, loving, kind, and humorous person. anyone less in love with life would have soon been beaten down by the setbacks he suffered." [from "the man called cash"]

"there are times that i want to go off into the woods and cry, because what i feel is too big a load for me to carry," he once admitted. "we're only called to be christians, and i don't feel any special calling, but i seem to have been given much by God. and much seems to be required of me." [from "the man called cash"]

"the realm johnny cash lived in was clouded by pain and colored by grace ... it seemed like his devotion for life came from his devotion for God." [from "the man called cash"]

rewind: seattle

i took an amazing trip over spring break to seattle to visit ashley, one of my best friends from YWAM. it was so good reminiscing about our time in nepal - wearing the same three outfits for months, being the only ones on our team to take showers everyday (ice cold ones with frozen shampoo), bartering with sherpa storekeepers who ripped white girls like us off (the best time being me on my knees in a store pleading for a cheaper price for a northfake raincoat while ashley peed her pants), trekking, giving out Bibles, stress-eating (10 pancakes for breakfast anyone?) and thinking nightly situps would balance it out, around the clock prayer times ...

we talked about how we probably wouldn't have been friends with anyone on our team had we not been stuck together for outreach, but we grew to love our whole team like family. (and still do!) i think that's one of the many beautiful things about YWAM. church, in my experience, hasn't yielded many great relationships for me. (if anything, i feel invisible at church and leave depressed.) in YWAM however, you're living with people and loving them for who they are. not because they fit into your categories or preferred tastes, just because you have a common love for the Lord and shared experiences of His presence. i treasure my YWAM relationships and still get homesick for both seasons of my life spent in YWAM.

i LOVED seattle. i could see myself living there, but then again i could see myself living in most of the places i visit. the sky's not even the limit when we follow a God in whom nothing is impossible, so we'll see!