here and now

dax had his four month doctors appointment and shots today. he was 18.2lbs and 27.5inches - "top of the charts, but that's no surprise," our doctor said. i cannot say enough good things about our pediatrician - he is a father of seven and a fantastic doctor. dax was all wiggly when he lifted him up and he said, "boy, he's a handful huh?" yup. :) i feel spoiled that lance was able to break away from work to go with us to the appointment. i hate watching him get shots, so it's really nice to have lance there as a calming presence and to hold him down.

and now lance is working an overnight shift that reminds me how thankful i am for his time in the army coming to a close.

the army has been good to us. lance is more than excited to be finished with his four years in the military and moving on to other things. for me the move back to pennsylvania is bittersweet. i've only been here for a year and a half (not even!), but oh what a year and a half it has been. columbus holds so many memories for me. we got engaged here, along the chattahoochee river. one of my favorite little spots and views in the world. brimming with beauty and sentimental moments.

we moved here after our wedding and had our first apartment together. it was my first time making a house a home, learning to cook and now loving to cook, and it was where we figured out how to be married and make our marriage work. lots of laughs and priceless memories, lots of fights and hard times too. the ups and downs that make our days a life.

this is where i carried my very first pregnancy. where dax and i spent so many moments together while lance was deployed. this is the apartment where i waited for lance to call so i could tell him that the ultrasound revealed we were having a boy. where i was filled with fear at the news of other rangers being killed and injured, and then with a guilty sort of gratitude that lance was okay.

we had the joy of being reunited when he returned from his deployment. the last two months of my pregnancy together, with lots of mcdonalds runs for ice cream sundaes and laughing at lance ordering in the drive through every time - for no other reason than sometimes i get the giggles and just can't stop laughing and i bring everyone around me down too. ;)

then my due date came and went and finally we got to meet dax a few days (that felt like an eternity) later. and in our cozy one bedroom apartment we learned how to be parents together. and we'll keep learning wherever we move next.

i think it's a bit easier for lance to move on because he is ready for a new career, and because he isn't quite as plugged in here as i am. i feel like i really immersed myself here and made the most of the past year and a half.

i'm kind of amazed at how many friendships i've formed in such a short time. and even so i am afraid that won't happen wherever we end up. i seem to have an ongoing fear of 'what if i don't make friends?!' even though so far i've made friends everywhere i've gone.

a military town and community make forming relationships kind of convenient - almost everyone is in a state of transition with their family spread across the country, so you become each other's family for the time that you're here. i love it. some of my favorite memories are just having people over for dinner and hanging out at our house. i have met so many strong people. a taste of military life would be good for a lot of people - it adds a lot of depth, appreciation and strength. i love our church and how welcoming the people were, how easy it was to jump in and fit in. i love all of our couple and family friends, and i love my other "mom friends" here with babes so close in age to mine. i loved walking through pregnancy and the newborn stage with them.

i heard a song on the radio with a line i adore: "God put a million, million doors in the world for his love to walk through, one of those doors is you." i complicate God's commands, but when i look at my life the thing that's always made a difference is the kindness of friends, family, acquaintances and strangers. when i think about things i want to impress upon dax, one would be that what matters most in our day is how we treat other people. i fail terribly at this - usually by getting in a hurry, concentrating on myself or being annoyed or distracted, but it really is what matters most. kindness and meaningful relationships make all the difference.

* * *

… i wrote that yesterday morning and i'm not sure where i was going with it, more than to say that i will miss columbus a lot. especially the friends.

the south is still every bit as weird to me as it was when i first came here - if not weirder - and i had more culture shock moving here than when i lived in nepal. the georgia-alabama line is a whole 'nother world. even though i never felt like i meshed with the southern culture, i will miss this crazy place.

it's been a formative season … and a very GROWING season. i feel like a different person from when i moved here, but that's good. change is usually hard while it's happening, but looking back it's almost always the best thing. something i think about often is: "insanity is doing the same thing over and over, but expecting different results." i mention that because i'd take change over insanity any day.

i'm nervous heading into so many unknowns … but even if the changes are painful, they'll be worth it. it's like the speaker at our church said this week: God loves us just the way we are, obviously, but He loves us too much to let us stay that way.

imperfect

i never considered myself a perfectionist, because i thought that i never really did anything that was "perfect." does that sound like something a perfectionist would say or what? i still don't know that i am a perfectionist through and through, but i'm reading an amazing book by brene brown and i love the way she explains perfectionism …

"i don't think that some people are perfectionists and others are not. i think perfectionism exists along a continuum. we all have some perfectionist tendencies. for some, perfectionism may only emerge when they're feeling particularly vulnerable. for others, perfectionism can be compulsive, chronic, and debilitating, similar to addiction." [brene brown]

that's me. seeking perfection in certain areas. i think we all do. hence this being an excellent definition/observation. i highly recommend the book - "the gifts of imperfection: let go of who you think you're supposed to be and embrace who you are."

i first heard of brene when i listened to her amazing ted talk on vulnerability a few years ago. (it's a must hear. carve out a nook of time to listen.) i'm not sure why it took me so long to read her books, but i'm hooked!

reading it makes me feel a bit vulnerable. as in, 'people are going to think i'm so hoky/weird/psychotic reading a book with a title like this …' but it is one of the best books i've read in awhile. i took for granted how much free time i had to read before i had a baby, but reading is one of my favorite things to do so i am trying to be intentional about carving out time to read. it's usually as simple as skipping computer time when dax takes one of his power naps.

one of the other books i'm reading right now happens to tie into this thing of imperfection thing too: the nesting place, by myquillyn smith. and being the book fanatic that i am, i highly recommend this too!

i didn't buy it because we are moving in less than a month (ahhh!) so i'm trying not to buy anything besides food/necessities. i've read half of it at barnes and noble, and i wish i had bought it because it is SO GOOD. lance and i were hanging out there after a dinner date on saturday night, and i said, "it's not  very crowded tonight." he said, "well it is saturday night." oh yeah. some people's idea of a great time isn't hanging out at a bookstore on a weekend. but anyway. ;)

it's easy for me to believe lies that everyone has it all together … that their lives are going according to their plans … while sometimes i feel like i have no plan and when i do have some semblance of a plan nothing is going according to the so-called plan. are you lost yet? my mind is a complex place of nonstop thoughts, so i understand if this makes no sense. but i think something i want to do in response to reading brene's book is to write more. even if i feel like what i'm saying is silly or insignificant.

one thing i've been thinking about as i read, is that some of my best relationships have formed out of being vulnerable. it's been times in my life that i've been vulnerable … real … put myself out there … that i have really, truly connected with people. the people i love to be with and want to be like make it a point to be real, genuine, authentic. they do not apologize for who they are, they walk in confidence and gratitude, and are gracious to those around them. they are admitting imperfections, embracing who they are, living out in the open. sometimes you put yourself out there and don't get the response you imagined, but that's better than never trying. and the times when you do put yourself out there only to find out you're not alone, you're not the only one, and it's not just you … well, that's just the best feeling. freedom.

even though vulnerability can be scary … it's like anything else, in that the more we do it, the more natural it becomes. and we grow. and before we know it we're helping others to grow. and that's way better than the alternative of staying the same person for the rest of our lives, not learning from our circumstances or helping others to get through what we've gone through, and being locked down in fear.

i'm not even finished with brene's book yet, and i am refraining from quoting the whole thing here.

the nesting place book is about embracing imperfections in our homes. taking risks with decorating. but of course these themes can be applied to much more. and as i read about taking risks by putting holes in your walls, i thought, 'big deal, i can do that no problem …' the author was one step ahead of me and explained that while sure, that is easy for her too, there are other areas in life where she is scared to take risks.

myquillyn smith gives her example of makeup - put her in the cosmetics department and she is like a seven-year-old boy: lost. um, ME TOO. decorating risks might be easy … but makeup?! scary! so instead i don't wear much, if any. we all have areas in life we hold back instead of risking … usually for fear of messing up or not doing it right. but who is going to punish us if we do these things "wrong" or incorrectly? of course some things need to be perfect/precise (i.e. open heart surgery) but most of what we hold back in would not need to be that perfect/precise!

even though i am a writer, i hesitate to call myself a writer. and even though i am a good writer, i hesitate to call myself that. because the voice of fear in my head says that someone is probably reading this and noticing all of my grammatical errors ...going crazy over the fact that i have not used capital letters in the post … or thinking that i am babbling on about stupid information and not saying much of anything, or saying the same thing as someone else.

whether that's true or not … who cares? why do we worry so much about what other people think? why are we so hard on ourselves? both books i mentioned are challenging me to let go of those fears in life, let go of trying to do things "right" and just do them. i'm enough. there's not a point of arrival, not a rulebook, no one policing the world to stifle my creativity … i am the one stifling my own creativity and personality. it's time for self-compassion.

"we can find rest in our less than perfect circumstances when we figure out that no amount of striving can create the perfect life we think we are looking for. true rest comes when we realize that we can't get it from trying extra hard. we find rest when we give up." [myquillyn smith]

one of my favorite things about each passing year is knowing myself more and gaining confidence. i really do like who i am. but i need to be kinder to myself. lower my expectations for myself. (because i definitely do project them onto others then too - eek!) and something else i love about growing up is watching the lies i've believed be dismantled. like how i used to think i was the only person with insecurities. i couldn't tell that other people had them! i would elaborate, but that could probably be a blog post in and of itself, right?

"i've finally figured out that almost no one is living in their dream house. and i don't know anyone whose life has gone exactly like they would have planned. you make the best choices you can at the time with the information you have, and then you deal with the consequences, and that's the part where life happens." [myquillyn smith]

my life has not gone how i would have planned. at any given point one, two, three, four, five, ten, etc years ago if you had asked me where i'd be now, i would not and could not have predicted this. but you know what? i love my life! i love where i am now. it's not perfect. i'm not perfect. there are days i cry and yell and complain and wonder what's going to happen. but that's okay. it's normal to have emotions. and we're never the first person to feel that way, or the only person to feel that way. the ups and downs and meltdowns and i'm-so-happy-i-have-tears-or-my-face-hurts-from-smiling moments … that's life. and i love it. and it's easier to say that sometimes than others, but that's okay. it doesn't mean i'm ungrateful, it means i'm alive.

and it might be cliche, but even though my life has not gone how i would have planned … it's so much better! i grew up thinking of hawaii as a lifelong dream to attain. like maybe someday if i win the lottery or somehow figure out a way to be really rich, i could MAYBE go to hawaii. instead i got to live there when i was 18 and again when i was 20. and i got married thinking i wanted to wait five years to have kids, but instead i got pregnant on the pill in the very first year. and i was very depressed and angry and i thought it was wildly unfair … and it turns out i love being a mom, and the timing could not have been more perfect. (again, for so many reasons it would be another whole blog post!) and i have an incredibly beautiful, healthy, hilarious son who i love times infinity … and at least once every day i think about how crazy i was to think that getting pregnant "accidentally" (yeah right! God's got great plans for our family, and none of this is by accident) in the first year was a bad thing.

"we find rest in the incompleteness of the present moment as we learn to recognize the goodness of what is and we trust that what is needed for the future will be added at the proper time." [sally breedlove]

… that's a quote used in the nesting place, and i want to end with a challenge also swiped from that book: practice taking little risks until it gets easier. you know where you need to risk … and you can do it. feel free to let me know how it goes. ;)

p.s. i am not editing or re-reading this post … just clicking "publish" and going to bed … taking little risks until it gets easier … because that's not easy for the perfectionist in me.