Tuesday, December 22, 2009

run run surrender

i went to a christmas service last night that focused on how we all run from God. jonah was the main example, along with lots of modern day scenarios. my favorite was "maybe you're dating a girl, and you know you shouldn't be. she's not a christian, but she's really cute. so you keep dating her because you tell yourself that it's a lot easier to become a christian than to become really cute ..."

we all run from God. sometimes we realize it and sometimes we don't, but we always have our reasons. you're obviously hurting yourself when you do this, because logically you do not have a better idea of how your life should go than the God who created you. (why is that simple truth so hard for me to live out in trust?) what's more is that you're hurting others. this came as an epiphany to me, and i can see it so clearly in my life. i never want to hurt others but i end up doing it anyway, and it's always when i'm taking my own path instead of God's. i ramb my way ahead thinking that i am making a better path. the problem is that when i finally realize or acknowledge the mistakes that i've made, there is no path to turn back on. i can't just go back to the begining and start again. i've gone so far and left nothing but a mess behind me. there is no trail in sight and no way to go forward without getting hurt even more. (picture being lost in the woods, darkness around you, jaggers and prickers in every direction when you're already bleeding, maybe the threat of some yellow jackets stinging you.)

what then? what now? if i were a jock i'd say "failure is not an option" but as someone who lacks the competitive gene that doesn't quite fit. i think the answer is surrender. a loaded word i kind of hate, because i don't understand it. or maybe i pretend to not understand it, in order to avoid it. terri cheney wrote, "i only know that my greatest victories have always been surrenders." that's what i want God ... help me.

Monday, December 7, 2009

Oh Britney

Britney Spears latest song "3" is catchy. I found myself humming it after hearing it on the radio way too many times, until one day I listened to what I was singing. It's about freaking threesomes! Most of the lyrics are too obscene to tastefully post here, but the line that bugs me the most is "Living in sin is the new thing - are you in?"

No Britney, I'm not in! And as a matter of fact, you're wrong. Living in sin is SO not the new thing. It's the oldest thing in the book and it's why the world, particularly yours, is in such a state of pain and distress. My heart goes out to that girl. She is beautiful and talented, but she's made a lot of sad choices and faced a lot of unnecessary scrutiny. How could you expect anyone whose life is put under such a magnifying glass for the world to judge and joke about to come out of it sane?

I think about her two adorable little boys too, and the therapy they've got coming. I hope this means I’m going to be a good mom someday, because my heart always goes out to the children when I witness or hear about devastating family situations. I want to sneak money to a coworker who has six or seven kids (to as many different men) because I care about her kids. I hate the choices she’s made and continues to make. But I still want the best for her children and even for her, because I know the Lord desires great things for her. When I saw the movie “Brothers” last weekend (which I loved!), I had to close my eyes for some of the devastating war scenes, but the times my eyes were filled with tears was whenever the two little girls cried or were scared.

I can’t imagine what it would be like for Sean and Jayden (Yeah, I am one of “those” people who refers to celebrities … and maybe even their families … on a first name basis, haha. Those are Britney’s sons for those of you who maintain a sense of dignity and normalcy.) to have such a highly criticized celebrity for a parent. Having a mom who behaved like her would be devastating for a kid living in anonymous suburbia, let alone enduring it under a harsh, global, and very public audience.

Part of me feels guilty even writing this, because I’m basing my sympathy for Britney and her family on what is essentially gossip. I’m discussing someone I’ve never even met. I’m acting like I know her or have a clue what fame is like. However I honestly want to pray for her, to contend for her life, because God wants her to thrive. Fame, wealth, and success are overrated. Significance is what everyone longs for, and it is probably underrated, or at least under-recognized. God has designed each of us for significance. Can you imagine the domino effect that would occur when Britney realizes her own significance in the scheme of God’s plans for his people?! The same domino effect can come from each of us when we realize our own significance. Live with purpose, on purpose!

Here are lyrics I love from Bebo Norman's song "Britney."

Britney I'm sorry for the lies we told
We took you into our arms and then left you cold
Britney I'm sorry for this cruel, cruel world
We sell the beauty but destroy the girl
Britney I'm sorry for your broken heart
We stood aside and watched you fall apart
I'm sorry we told you fame would fill you up
And money moves the man so drink the cup

I know love goes around the world we know
And you never see it coming back
You never see it coming back
I know love goes around the world we know
And you never see it coming back
But I can see it coming back for you
Yes coming back for you

Britney I'm sorry for the stones we throw
We tear you down just so we can watch the show
Britney I'm sorry for the words we say
We point the finger as you fall from grace

Britney I do believe that love has come
Here for the broken
Here for the ones like us
I can see it coming back for you

Monday, November 30, 2009

i'll never know

yesterday i saw a dad and his daughter standing in a cemetery. maybe they were just taking a walk in the gorgeous sunshine, but to me it seemed more like they were there for someone. maybe his wife and her mother had died. or possibly a brother or sister, aunt or uncle or grandparent. they could've been visiting anyone, young or old. he could've just taken her there to teach her lessons about life and death or history. i don't know them so i'll never really know, but it made me think about how much everyone goes through without me knowing it.

you go through things that, whether you tell your friends or not, you can't talk about all the time. it's hurting you but you can only talk about it so much before others lose interest. you hurt so bad you stop eating, or maybe you can't stop eating. the thing consumes your mind, but what are the chances that anyone around you has any idea what's really going on inside of your mind? but you're not the only one. everyone is going through something. lots of somethings.

is it okay that we stop talking about it? is that part of the eb and flow of life? if we all opened up about everything, it seems like the world would be on emotional overload. but it doesn't seem right to keep it all bottled up either. i wonder where the balance is. between respect and privacy. between wallowing and too much self-pity. between helping and moving on. i hate that so many times i am shocked to find out that someone was struggling with something so huge and i had no idea. i want to be someone that anyone feels safe talking to, because i will listen and love and not judge or neglect. and if my friends ever need someone to go to the cemetery with them, i want them to not think twice about asking me because they know how much i care and how much they mean to me.

Monday, November 16, 2009

hanging in there?

at six in the morning, with barely three hours of sleep under my belt, i found myself tearing up in the back of a car on the way to the airport. the tears came simply at the thought of the day that my dad will walk me down the aisle at my wedding and give me away. i have been praying so much for my dad, because my heart is so FOR him. i'm still proud of him and love him even though he hurt me so deeply. to have him give me my last bear hug as a single girl and a sloppy smooch, papa joe style, before my forever husband takes me into his arms ... wow. powerful. tearjerking. (okay, maybe only for me and my dad, but this is my blog so who else is it gonna be about?)

granted, i had just been at a wedding "all weekend" so i could 've brushed it off as a somewhat logical thought to cross my mind. but i believe the Lord put it in my heart specifically to remind me once again to pray for my dad's healing and not give up. i believe that he will walk in the fullness of all that God has for him. it is never too late, and i can't wait for my dad to have a radical testimony of how God literally saved him from years in the depths of despair and emptiness.

i had fabulous times with the Lord this weekend (evidenced by the 15 pages i filled in my journal, haha.) and of course with old and new friends alike. just one that i thought i'd share came from a late night conversation that led me to say to a friend, "it's hard to believe that God will leave you hanging if you're so submitted to obeying Him ..." (more specifics were involved cause i was giving advice, but that's besides the point.) i immediately realized how silly it sounded, because of course that is hard to believe - HE IS GOD! He never leaves anyone hanging! His Son hanging on the cross for our sin - He did that for us so that we can believe and trust and watch as He never leaves us hanging.

"i'm hanging in there" is one of my dad's classic responses to people asking how he is. if we ever find ourselves in that place, it is because of our own choices. God is not the one who leaves us "hanging" - we are the ones who turn away from Him and try to have our needs met elsewhere. i am not saying life will be fair or painless (by any means!), but we always have God to turn to. don't settle for a life of "hanging in there" when God is here now for you with wide open arms of love and incredible plans for your life. not somebody else. not someday. He has a purpose for YOU right NOW.

Monday, November 9, 2009

i can't help but LOVE this song

"Hell on the Heart" [Eric Church]

No if, and's, but's or maybe's
So you wanna be her baby
I can read your face like a book
Yeah it looks easy to love her but believe me brother
It's harder than it looks

She's as pretty as a picture
Every bit as funny as she is smart
Got a smile that'll hold you together
And a touch that'll tear you apart
When she's yours she brings the sunshine
When she's gone the world goes dark
Yeah she's heaven on the eyes
But boy she's hell on the heart

Yeah she's good when she's bad
She's cute when she's mad
And she does all the wrong things right
Yeah boy it's a fact when they're made like that
You ain't ever gonna sleep at night

Once you feel her touch and you've felt that rush
It's gonna mess up your head
But here's the kicker son
Your old ticker's gonna beat you half to death

Thursday, November 5, 2009

so much

i want to know what he's really thinking. and i want to know what you're really thinking. if you're really honest with me, with yourself, with anyone. i don't want to know how it's going to end up because the mystery is enjoyable, however suspenseful or painful or frustrating. i want to watch a professional dog race. i want to dream the Lord's dreams, and i want to know what that even means. i want to give someone a tattoo - draw it and permanently ink their body with my style. i want a puppy really badly, but i know i wouldn't take care of it. i want an ipod and a violin and completely coordinated hangers in my closet. and make that a walk-in closet. i want to bake really amazing things and never get fat from eating them. i want to go somewhere, have some incredible adventure. i want to see healing and i don't know if i have any words left to pray for it.

someday i want my own swimming pool, and i know i won't get tired of swimming because i just won't. i love swimming, and if i believed in other lives, i'd say i was a mermaid in mine. people tell you that you'll get a tired of a thing if you have too much of it, but guess what? i'm not other people. living at the beach only made me love it more and miss it more. the more i run the more i love it. the less i work out the less i like it, so don't tell me that too much of a good thing is a bad thing. tell me that too much of a bad thing is bad thing, because when i get stuck on sin or disobedience, it just makes me want to keep sinning. so i'm going to dream till my dreams get bigger, so big that i can't accomplish them on my own. so big that they finally start to touch the hands and heart of God and become a reality in my life. and i'm going to love others until it just comes natural. because swimming pools are for parties.

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

meditation

for most of my philosophy class today our professor led us in a meditation. a few students opted to leave before he even started the exercise, and they would be ones who have argued with him about nearly everything he teaches in comparative religion. others protested about the whole thing and yelled that they didn't want to do it. surprisingly, i found nothing controversial about the things he was saying.

he is a hokey professor who doubles as a psychotherapist, and while i definitely don't agree with his overall belief system, i just don't feel the need to argue with him. ever since i did the school of biblical foundations in ywam maui, truth has become concrete in me. one of my favorite facts is that the truth will always reveal itself. people can harass us for our beliefs as christians as much as they want, but truth will always win out. this doesn't mean ignoring controversy, but it does mean that there is no pressure to argue with anyone till you're both blue in the face. i used to think that if i couldn't convince someone they were wrong, that if i couldn't deconstruct their argument and watch them come to a knowledge of truth in that instant ... that i had somehow failed. not so. i have a responsibility to increase my own tools of knowledge and understanding to explain things to people. but it is up to the Holy Spirit to do the convincing.

so while the rest of my class was up in arms about meditating - half of them because they hate anything religious, some because they think it's sacrireligious, others because they like picking fights - i was fine. he instructed us to concentrate on our breathing, then to imagine sitting in front of a stream (i said hokey didn't i?) with leaves floating by. "let go of each thought, let it float by like the leaves ..."

and here is where it got difficult for me, the professional overactive thinker. i started thinking about how many thoughts i have. and how if i really could get rid of my thoughts momentarily, as he was suggesting, how peaceful i would feel. but knowing how many thoughts run through my mind a minute, i started picturing leaves coming out of my mouth like word vomit. literally. i saw myself by a stream projectile vomiting autumn leaves. and then i was wishing once again i had the gag reflux (i haven't thrown up since third grade) ... until finally i had to concentrate all of my efforts on not laughing. thank God our thoughts aren't projected on screens in front of our heads, because somehow i doubt this was the goal my professor had for class meditation.

Monday, October 12, 2009

pensive, melodramatic ... a hot mess i guess

you shouldn't give up. fight for yourself and who you are. you've got to go through the worst times in life to get the best. [postsecret]

isn't it strange how when your heart breaks, the only person you want to talk to is the one that made it ache? [anon]

because no matter how badly a thing is hurting us
sometimes letting it go hurts even worse. [anon]

...and once you lose yourself, you have two choices: find the person you used to be, or lose that person completely. because sometimes you have to step outside of the person you've been. and remember the person you were meant to be. the person you wanted to be. the person you are. [one tree hill]

Sunday, September 27, 2009

honesty

i hate being lied to, but i tell a lot of little white lies. and where did that phrase come from anyway? no falsehood can be covered up under the guise of such a phrase. how pathetic am i for lying so nonchalantly when 1) it's a sin, right there with murder and adultery and 2) i hate when people lie. i hate it so much i'm writing a freaking blog about it, but apparently i decided to make myself the exception to the rule.

the lies i hate aren't enormous. i can't remember being lied to about anything huge. (unless maybe i'm still clueless about that? ha.) the lies i'm talking about are people who say things just because they think it's what i want to hear. what i want to hear is the truth! even just beating around the bush and talking fluff isn't worth my time - say it like it is.

isn't that what Jesus did?
isn't that what we're called to do?
one thing i can always count on to NOT beat around the bush, and to follow through with what it says is the word of God ...

"God, who gets invited to dinner at your place? How do we get on your guest list?"

"Walk straight, act right, tell the truth."

[psalm 15:1-2, the message]

Sunday, September 13, 2009

good? best?


i thought i knew this. but it seems to get harder and harder to believe it and to wear my "don't settle for less" bracelet with the authority that i used to. this is what God's been speaking to me about and what i've been tuning out ... sigh.
"Learn to say 'no' to the good so you can say 'yes' to the best." [John C. Maxwell]

Monday, September 7, 2009

consistency ... starts with me

a couple of weeks ago i told someone that "a little consistency within the church could change the world." i still believe this, but as usual my judgmental pointing finger came right back to my own face today.

driving home from work today, i was about to pass a car that was stopped in the street with it's blinkers on, but as i was beside it the driver decided to speed forward and i swerved back into my lane - wish that was the end of this sentence - but of course i started swearing about idiotic drivers. i'm quick to admit that i have road rage, and incidents like this happen nearly everyday. i just don't understand why people drive so slow, because to me it seems like they have nowhere to go. i've got kites to fly and fish to fry. people to see and places to be. however you want to say it, i'm a "time is money" kind of girl. and maybe a lead foot one too.

so this wasn't anything unusual until i was beside this car a few blocks down and around, and the guys inside were trying to get my attention. (and not because they had noticed my irritation, so much as noticed ... me.) in the past i've had a problem with always looking when this happens and my friends tend to lecture me about why i should not do this. (how is it not everyone else's instinct to look when someone whistles?) i compromised and gave a polite smile then went back to fiddling with my radio. they didn't stop and i had to look over and the guy in the back seat looked way familiar. after we said hello i was trying to figure out if i knew him from school or work when he said, "you came to the intervention center didn't you?!" bingo!

i had hung out at the youth intervention center one night this summer and talked to this kid about the Lord. he opened up and we had a solid conversation. fast forward a few months and i'm cussing out his buddy for driving like a douchebag. how's that for consistency?

he happily slapped his buddies on the back saying "see! i told you i knew her!" they stared sheepishly at me and i asked how he was doing and such until cars were honking behind us. (and no, i didn't give those cars any choice words.) we talked a bit more at the next traffic light and neither one of us could stop smiling.

in that moment God reminded me again, as He has been doing of late, that He intricately works everything together for His purposes. there is no such thing as coincidence! there is a reason we run into the people that we do, when we do. there is a reason we dream what we do, hear what we do, experience it all. one of my favorite quotes from Waxer (a legend of a speaker at YWAM maui) is,
"we go through what we go through to help others get through what we've gone through."
so whatever you're dealing with - big or small struggle - know that God is at work in your life! talk it out with Him and hear Him out - He has nothing but wonderful things to say to YOU.

i'm still getting the skinny from God on today's encounter, but the biggest thing i wanted to share was CONSISTENCY. i never stop being a christian, i never stop representing the Lord to those around me. even if i don't want to deal with my road rage, God does. even if there's other stuff i don't want to deal with, God does. and sometimes i have to start from a place of asking God to make me want to WANT to stop/change/etc. He is always faithful to respond to our hungry hearts.

Saturday, August 29, 2009

what i want

sometimes i get confused about what i want. isn't it enough to want to be happy? to not care what car i drive or the job i end up having or the school i graduate from? but in the midst of my confusion there is one thing i want more than anything else, and i've got it. a relationship with the Lord. i love God and i want to know Him more and more everyday and i want to know what He thinks about me and what He wants me to do. i want to know what He desires for me and i want to desire that too. i don't want to miss something He is saying to me and i don't want to give up obeying him because i love living this life as a pure adventure with God. i don't say it enough because i'm not sure how to, without sounding totally cheeseball. but what i love about the Lord is that He doesn't care how i say it, because He knows what i'm getting at. He knows my heart and He knows what i mean when i can't express it to anyone else.

i want the world to know Him. i want them to realize there is Someone who will fulfill them beyond their wildest dreams, beyond the ability words have to communicate. my heart literally breaks as i listen to people talk and watch them live so hopelessly, because if they only KNEW how much God loves them ... how differently they could live! how much better life would be.

so often i get exasperated and all i can say is, "i just want to save the world."

you know. JUST. save. the world.
but that's what i want. i want the world to know Jesus.

Monday, August 10, 2009

i'm loving ...

1. my prayer language. and the thought of hearing every different language in heaven. all those tongues being interpreted and giving glory to God.
2. red beet eggs. chai. peanut butter cups. egg sandwiches.
3. wilco. james taylor. "colorblind" by counting crows.
4. summer sunshine.
5. being trained at the gym and feeling like i'm making progress.
6. no fear. it's really all that ever holds us back, and that realization is helping me to grow a lot. if God is for us who can be against us?
7. everything joyce meyer had to say on friday night. and the momentum i gain from being in a packed stadium of believers. it reminds me that america is not too far gone, we're still grounded in the Lord. we just need to raise our voices.
8. googling song lyrics. i never got into poetry, but song lyrics ... they get me.
9. how well my mom knows me.
10. the psalms.
11. tim tebow.
12. that the rumbling in my car is gone.
13. being young and free of responsibilities.

Monday, August 3, 2009

never really lost

whenever we were driving with our dad and it seemed like we were lost we'd start to complain about it and he'd say, "now listen, we're not lost. we're just a little misplaced. we never get lost." and we never really were.

probably as a result of lots of adventuring with my dad, i know my way around the area and find myself in charge of directions a lot. sometimes i let the people i'm riding with get lost on purpose. if i'm having a really good time i take all sorts of back roads because i don't want the night to end. like last night.

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

blame it on the phone

i just threw my phone on my bed and screamed. not a blood-curdling fear-inhibited scream, but a scream of frustration or dismay or loss for words. a temper tantrum of sorts. it's honestly ridiculous how much power my phone has to make me flip out.

i also love how i blame my phone? nothing like taking out your frustration on an inanimate object you pay money to have when the root is always something bigger. (and usually a mess that i played a large part in getting myself into in the first place.)

i toy around with the idea of getting rid of my cell phone. it's funny how dependent everyone is on their cell phone when five years ago it was not a part of the human body the way that it seems to be nowadays. it's tempting to get rid of it because i suck at communicating. if i didn't have a phone a whole lot of communicating could be avoided. and maybe when i say communicating i mean confrontation ... hmmm. i suck at confrontation. i have a very good "knower" and know what i should do, but executing it does not necessarily pan out efficiently.

i hate what i am writing because i'm doing the thing that everyone does where instead of getting to the point, i'm being elusive and dramatic. example: the person who will blab on about blah blah blah when they could really say "this happened. i'm hurt." instead it turns into an elaborate explanation of who knows what because no one wants to be vulnerable. including me.

so let me come right out and say that the PHONE issues are BOY issues. if it's not a voicemail it's a text and if it's not one boy it's another. and you can only not answer your phone for so long. and you can only pretend for so long. and you can only avoid confrontation for so long. ughhh ... have mercy!

Monday, July 20, 2009

security

my car does this thing where every so often it won't start up, and a red security light starts blinking. then you wait exactly ten minutes and try again, and it will start. (on rare occasions it still won't start, and i bum a ride or call in strangers with jumper cables, but that's not the point today.) i've been blessed since this generally doesn't happen when i'm on my way TO work or pressed for time. nonetheless, i get frustrated.

so when my car wouldn't start for the umpteenth time yesterday after work, and i was hot and sweaty and tired and had someplace to be - i started grumbling. I looked at the blinking red security light and thought, 'i hate that word.' That stupid light comes on but it's false. it's not protecting me from anything but starting my car and getting where i want to be. Then God said 'I hate it too.'

i hate that security light because it doesn't mean anything. God hates what i've come to know as security on this earth because it doesn't mean anything either. the security i cling to apart from Him everyday is meaningless! God hates when i put my trust and security in anything but HIM!

this hit me hard as I realized most of my security comes from staying within my comfort zone or at least not skittering TOO far from it.
from a steady job. (read: MONEY!)
from a support system of people.
from physical health and possessions and all sorts of things that can be gone in a second and certainly won't matter in eternity.

"Find rest, O my soul, in God alone; my hope comes from Him. He alone is my rock and my salvation, He is my fortress, I will not be shaken. My salvation and my honor depend on God; He is my mighty rock, my refuge. Trust in Him at all times, O people; pour out your hearts to Him, for God is our refuge." Psalm 62:5-8

Tuesday, June 30, 2009

a rambling girl

why do i always want what i can't have? and then when i can have it, i don't want it anymore. do we ever stop doing that? will i?

why do my legs itch when i run for a long time? is it wrong that i flicked GOD off while i was running tonight? can i hail mary my way outta that one? and what's the deal with my fascination with catholic tradition?

who seriously likes spagetti? and why is the olive garden always so crowded when their food is terrible and overpriced?

how am i both intimidating and friendly? isn't that a classic oxymoron?

why does summer make me want a boyfriend? and why does winter make me hungry?

what makes music so emotional? and why does alcohol make people sing so much? if we were all completely at home with ourselves and didn't depend on alcohol as an excuse for mischief, would we drift through life with a constant song on our lips? what happened that we all feel the need to put up walls and be anyone but ourselves?

is there a way to make yourself cry? throw up? because sometimes i wish i could do both in a heartbeat and feel better instantaneously. but then again i don't know that either could make the hurt go away in those moments.

how crazy is it that thinking about something too much makes my stomach hurt? God really did make us people of wholeness, we can't ignore the physical or emotional or spiritual and expect to be complete.

why do i always feel so bad for people? when i have nothing to do with it? how can i give money to someone without them feeling like a charity case?

how can i get girls to realize their worth is so much higher? that they deserve guys who aren't cheating, addicted to porn, unemployed, imprisoned, lazy? not only do they deserve it but they should demand it instead of lowering the standards across the board.

what drives some girls to skinniness, but i look at my rolls in disgust and load up on ice cream instead of deprivation?

why can't i find a new purse? why is every purse i'm remotely drawn to priced above $100? and how can some people justify owning closetfuls of designer bags but the thought of buying even one $50 purse at tjmaxx makes me sick with guilt?

is being independent a character flaw? who decided that being an extrovert was so much better than being an introvert?

whatever happened to my canadian pen pal? is that when i started thinking canadians must all be weird? and whatever happened to my friend alecia from the second grade? better still - where is my imaginary pet pig pumba? i should buy a piglet.

if i admitted that i have some regrets would i stop living in fear of making more regrets?

is a late obedience considered disobedience? or does the fact that i'm asking and meddling around in so much grey area mean i've lost the point of obedience in the first place ...

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

impossible love

"When you love someone, you do not love them all the time,in exactly the same way, from moment to moment. It is an impossibility. It is even a lie to pretend to. And yet this is exactly what most of us demand. We have so little faith in the ebb and flow of life, of love, of relationships. We leap at the flow of the tide and resist in terror its ebb. We are afraid it will never return. We insist on permenency, on duration, on continuity; when the only continuity possible, in life as in love, is in growth, in fluidity - in freedom, in the sense that dancers are free, barely touching as they pass, but partners in the same pattern. The only real security is not in owning or posessing, not in demanding or expecting, not in hoping, even. Security in a relationship lies neither in looking back to what was in nostalgia, nor forward to what might be in dread or anticipation, but living in the present relationship and accepting it as it is now. Relationships must be like islands, one must accept them for what they are here and now, within their limits - abandoned by the tides."
-Anne Morrow Lindbergh

Monday, May 25, 2009

Lately?

Lately I've been thinking a lot. Oh wait, that's not lately that's always. Lately I've been dreaming a lot. And that's not always, but I think it should be. Someone once told me if your dreams are something that you can accomplish on your own then you aren't dreaming big enough. The dreams I have for myself are so teensy next to what God wants to do in and through my life. I Corinthians 1:25 says, "For the foolishness of God is wiser than man's wisdom, and the weakness of God is stronger than man's strength." That makes me think our dreams and plans are probably grains of sand on a beach God wants to build us a mansion on.

I have a lot of trouble trusting God. I say I want to but I don't live like I do. I find it hard to believe He'll give me things if I don't work for it. I want that to change. I want to trust Him in everything, to trust that His dreams are where it's at. I want Him to reveal HIS dreams to me, instead of dwelling on anything else. I don't want to be a person whose dreams are limited to my head and my journal, but someone who lives them out and is amazed by the Lord's faithfulness to take me further then I could ever go on my own.

"And what more shall I say? I do not have time to tell about Gideon, Barak, Samson, Jephthah, David, Samuel and the prophets, who through faith conquered kingdoms, administered justice, and gained what was promised; who shut the mouths of lions, quenched the fury of the flames, and escaped the edge of the sword; whose weakness was turned to strength; and who became powerful in battle and routed foreign armies. Women received back their dead, raised to life again. Others were tortured and refused to be released, so that they might gain a better resurrection. Some faced jeers and flogging, while still others were chained and put in prison. They were stoned; they were sawed in two; they were put to death by the sword. They went about in sheepskins and goatskins, destitute, persecuted and mistreated— the world was not worthy of them. They wandered in deserts and mountains, and in caves and holes in the ground. These were all commended for their faith, yet none of them received what had been promised. God had planned something better for us so that only together with us would they be made perfect." Hebrews 11:32-40

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Jeremiah 32:27

Last night the speaker at Gateway House of Prayer said that we don't pray enough. He had us spend 15 minutes praying for our unsaved friends and family. Immediately I started praying for my dad, which is kind of weird because I hate to say he's unsaved ... but really, is he walking with the Lord?

After years of praying for my dad I’ve become fed up with it and recently my grumble to the Lord has been "You know what, either heal him and transform him completely or ..." BUT LAST NIGHT I WAS CONVICTED OF HOW BACKWARD THAT IS! God is God and nothing is impossible for Him! Who am I to doubt the power of God to do anything? Especially when it’s something He desires even more than I do – like to see my pops transformed by the grace of God and for him to walk in victorious transformation.

This Sunday Andy Byrd spoke at the church I’ve been going to, and I’ve been soaring on the words the Lord spoke through him. He asked whether we think the angels in heaven ever experience insecurity around the presence of God. Do you think they question the plans He gives them? Maybe they look at your financial system and say, “Gee, God’s big but ______ money issues are bigger …” Or maybe they look at my dad and say, “God’s big, but Joe’s just too far gone …” NO ONE IS TOO FAR GONE! How could I give up on someone when God has never lost a battle? I think about how much I want to see my dad saved, and then how much more God must want it and weep on his behalf … and I can’t believe that I’d ever give up praying.

Something else that stuck out from Andy’s message: it is time for us to stop living by our circumstances and start ruling them! The Living God lives inside of us and we have more power in our little finger than all of hell – the only thing stopping us is ourselves!

God will have His people and He will not lose. As I prayed for my dad last night more revelation kept coming to me and I felt the urgency of praying for him, and for all of the other people I desperately desire to see walking intimately with the Lord! I wrote a list and then I had to stop because there are so many people on it. But I just kept coming back to Dad. And God kept encouraging me: Don’t believe these thoughts and fears of failure. That is the enemy’s plan to thwart what he knows will produce an unstoppable burning endurance in you Chelsea! And a fireball effect coming out of you and your dad’s life and your whole entire family. Do not give the enemy credit or open grounds to take that which does not belong to him.

Then I got a picture of my dad’s bedroom with an old army tent set up in it, almost like a whole camp. It reminded me of the ones I’d see at Civil War reenactments I went to with him when I was younger. At first I thought it was angels in the tents, but the more I thought about it there seemed to be enemy tents close by. Almost as if both sides were waiting and it was up to me to commit to the battle, to claim victory. There was also no ceiling/roof above his room, it was wide open to a bright starry sky. It seemed like God was saying that there is an OPEN HEAVEN above the life of my dad, and now is the time to pray without ceasing. (This might be the coolest clearest picture God's ever given me.)

Please join me in praying for my dad; and for all the ones you love that don’t YET know the Lord. Time in prayer for someone is never wasted. God cares about the one! He cares about YOU more than you know.

Sunday, March 15, 2009

The Vision

No idea who wrote this, but it's my favorite! I love listening to it being read by the guy with an Aussie accent, but alas, I'm a computer sped sometimes so I couldn't post the link. Whether you've heard it before or not, read it, be inspired and keep charging after the vision the Lord has for you!

So this guy comes up to me and says "what's the vision? What's the big idea?" I open my mouth and words come out like this… The vision?

The vision is JESUS – obsessively, dangerously, undeniably Jesus.

The vision is an army of young people.

You see bones? I see an army. And they are FREE from materialism.

They laugh at 9-5 little prisons.They could eat caviar on Monday and crusts on Tuesday.They wouldn't even notice.They know the meaning of the Matrix, the way the west was won.They are mobile like the wind, they belong to the nations. They need no passport.. People write their addresses in pencil and wonder at their strange existence.They are free yet they are slaves of the hurting and dirty and dying.

What is the vision ?
The vision is holiness that hurts the eyes. It makes children laugh and adults angry. It gave up the game of minimum integrity long ago to reach for the stars. It scorns the good and strains for the best. It is dangerously pure.

Light flickers from every secret motive, every private conversation.It loves people away from their suicide leaps, their Satan games. This is an army that will lay down its life for the cause.A million times a day its soldiers choose to loosethat they might one day winthe great 'Well done' of faithful sons and daughters.

Such heroes are as radical on Monday morning as Sunday night. They don't need fame from names. Instead they grin quietly upwards and hear the crowds chanting again and again: "COME ON!"

And this is the sound of the underground
The whisper of history in the making
Foundations shaking
Revolutionaries dreaming once again
Mystery is scheming in whispers
Conspiracy is breathing…This is the sound of the underground

And the army is discipl(in)ed.

Young people who beat their bodies into submission.
Every soldier would take a bullet for his comrade at arms. The tattoo on their back boasts "for me to live is Christ and to die is gain".
Sacrifice fuels the fire of victory in their upward eyes. Winners. Martyrs. Who can stop them ? Can hormones hold them back?Can failure succeed? Can fear scare them or death kill them ?

And the generation prays like a dying manwith groans beyond talking,with warrior cries, sulphuric tears andwith great barrow loads of laughter!

Waiting. Watching: 24 – 7 – 365.

Whatever it takes they will give: Breaking the rules. Shaking mediocrity from its cosy little hide. Laying down their rights and their precious little wrongs, laughing at labels, fasting essentials. The advertisers cannot mould them. Hollywood cannot hold them. Peer-pressure is powerless to shake their resolve at late night parties before the cockerel cries.They are incredibly cool, dangerously attractive
inside.


On the outside?
They hardly care. They wear clothes like costumes to communicate and celebrate but never to hide. Would they surrender their image or their popularity? They would lay down their very lives - swap seats with the man on death row - guilty as hell. A throne for an electric chair.

With blood and sweat and many tears, with sleepless nights and fruitless days,
they pray as if it all depends on God and live as if it all depends on them.
Their DNA chooses JESUS. (He breathes out, they breathe in.)Their subconscious sings. They had a blood transfusion with Jesus. Their words make demons scream in shopping centres.

Don't you hear them coming?
Herald the weirdo's! Summon the losers and the freaks. Here come the frightened and forgotten with fire in their eyes. They walk tall and trees applaud, skyscrapers bow, mountains are dwarfed by these children of another dimension. Their prayers summon the hounds of heaven and invoke the ancient dream of Eden.

And this vision will be.

It will come to pass; it will come easily; it will come soon.How do I know? Because this is the longing of creation itself, the groaning of the Spirit, the very dream of God. My tomorrow is his today. My distant hope is his 3D. And my feeble, whispered, faithless prayer invokes a thunderous, resounding, bone-shaking great 'Amen!' from countless angels, from hero's of the faith, from Christ himself. And he is the original dreamer, the ultimate winner.

Guaranteed.

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

A Day In The Life

This weekend one of my best friends mentioned how much she loves her mom and asked if I ever get that feeling, where I love something so much I don't even have words for it. My answer? Yes, yes, and absolutely YES!

I can't tell you how many times this basically indescribable feeling comes over me and I want to shriek with happiness. It's such an intensely wonderful way to feel and I wish I could explain it to you, but I can only hope to trigger your brain about those things you might take for granted but are really thankful for. Becky probably rolled her eyes at my crazy excitement as I explained that not only do I feel euphoric about my mom or brother or dad or friends (muah!) ... but sometimes I can't contain my happiness about sunsets or my bedroom or songs on the radio or naps or new shoes. (It's always the little things, right?) I love it so much when it just hits you how good you have it; how awesome someone or something is. Life is a such a great gift.

Something else I love about my life is how comically unpredictable it can be. I kind of thought this only applied to me when I lived in Hawaii, but it's all the time. Whenever anyone called me in Maui I'd struggle to catch them up on the weeks because a single day held a month's worth of happenings. I'm back in Lancaster and it's still the same scenario. :)

So I was inspired today to chronicle just that: a day in the life of me. Ridiculous? Well, no one is holding a gun to your head making you read this - so now's your chance to save yourself and exit if you're annoyed.

Wake up 5am and head to the gym. Gym attendant is sleeping at the desk - hilarious. Watch Fox News from the eliptical. Become frustrated and respond verbally - hilarious to guys laughing around me. Love talking to the senior citizens at the gym in the mornings. Drove to work and tried to apply mascara en route. Turning a city corner leads to a long streak of black across my dash. (And my arm?!) Oops. Suddenly the guy in the truck beside me is waving and mouthing something. Is he seriously looking for chicks before 7am?! OMG, that guy went to my elementary school. I start laughing which makes him smile more. Oops.

Get into my work routine and things are going smoothly. Lots of people didn't show up. Midmorning the director of food services hands out chocolates as a condolence for being overworked and underpaid. I'm rooting around for dark chocolate and he says, "Nice nailpolish! Is that maroon or purple?" "Oh thank you! It's more like a dark plum." He leaves and it registers that he's the head honcho of the department where nailpolish is strictly off-limits. Was he kidding? Am I going to get a write-up? I laugh it off.

A lady is coughing up a lung in the employee bathroom so I ask if she's okay. "I ca-n't ge-t ai-rrr ..." "Ummm ... " God, I hate situations like this! You know I don't know the heimlich or anything! An EMT walks in that very second! "Hey, this lady can't breathe!" And I'm out of there.

Every room is an adventure as I get breakfast and supper orders. You've gotta love the lady who says she eats a lot because she once dated a Jew who was 16 years older than her. (Yep, that's probably the reason for obesity across America, come to think of it.)

Things in the kitchen are chaotic & one coworker starts venting, "Where is the work ethic Chels?! I mean honestly. You've got it." I just shake my head and we talk about how no one is willing to work and how scary that is for the future. She thinks it all went downhill when they took prayer out of public schools and I want to yell hallelujah and AMEN.

Just before supper one of my supervisors says, "Is that purple?" "What? No, it's green. I'm drinking green tea." "No, your nails ... that's different, I like it!" I clock out thirty minutes later with two nailpolish compliments and no write-ups. Seriously?

Friday, February 20, 2009

Red Envelope Day

Have you heard about this yet?
Buy a red envelope or color one redand mail it to President Obama (1600 Pennsylvania Ave NW Washington, DC20500) on March 31st. Don't put anything inside, but write on the back:"This envelope represents one child who died because of an abortion. It is empty because the life that was taken is now unable to be a part of ourworld."

Don't push abortion to the back of your mind or think that it's impossible tosee it end. Pray for abortion to be eradicated now, in our lifetime! If anyone Iknew were suddenly put in a life or death situation, would I not be desperatelypassionately constantly interceding on their behalf? YES. Abortion is life ordeath on a much larger scale. I need to pray consistently - not ask forsomething once or twice and give up, but to charge it a lot more than I have been.

Go to YouTube.com and type in "12-year-old girl speaks out against abortion." I couldn't figure out how to make it work as a link, but it encouraged me greatly and is well worth your time to watch! Children sure seem to know the business of God, yeah? I want their unabashed passion to rub off on me. They have the confidence tochange the world! I remember being completely enthusiastic about every world dilemma that my teachers taught us about. You name it, I wanted to fight it,help it, save it.

Once my fifth grade teacher came in saying that we would start having to pay a tax for every worksheet we were given and to take tests. Everyone was upset and I raised my hand and started protesting and rallying my classmates - "We don't have to pay this guys! No way! You know what we're gonna do? Boycott this!" Everyone in my class was cheering and honestly it started getting a bit out of control. Mrs. Moore starts cracking up and explained that she was just using it as an illustration to introduce our history lesson about the Boston Tea Party. "It was people like Chelsea leading rebellions and getting things done ..." HAHAHA, my teachers must've been entertained. :)

In seventh grade I got into a fight with my social studies teacher about abortion. Once again my class ate it up, because here's this quiet kid whipping out statements that lead to the teacher yelling and saying we're never bringing abortion up again. I pressed him about a passing comment that he made about abortion and while I forget a lot of the details of our talk, I know he said that if someone found out that their baby was going to be "deformed" with Down syndrome an abortion would be the only intelligent choice. Knowing his wife was pregnant, I asked, "So you're telling me that if you found out your baby had Down syndrome you would kill it?" Every eye was on our teacher as he swallowed and didn't answer, but after a moment began yelling and saying we could not discuss abortion anymore in his class. (Of course after that it seemed like everyone deliberately brought it up every chance they got, even if they had no strong opinion about it.)

What strikes me as "ironic" is that his son was born a month or so later on December 16 - my birthday. And I've heard varying dates for the Boston Tea Party, but a lot of times they say it was also on December 16!

That little girl's speech on the video reminded me of how I used to care so much. And how I used to not care what others thought, because it never crossed my mind to be "politically correct" or practice postmodern "tolerance." I hate that I'm held back by those bounds now. There's right and wrong - period. I want to start speaking out in my college courses like sassy seventh grade Chelsea, instead of silently leaving class frustrated by the ignorance and immorality.

Hmmm ... here I go!