lessons from dad

i laughed out loud until the guy next to me asked me what book i was reading at barnes and noble. it was "sh*t my dad says" and as much as i enjoyed it, i couldn't help being disappointed in myself for not thinking of publishing what MY dad says for some extra bucks. but i think i'm going to start writing down my conversations with my dad just for my own entertainment. he says more funny stuff than i can keep track of, but here's a few life lessons from dinner with my dad this weekend ...

on self-esteem:
"oh no chelsea, oh no, i don't think you should ride on motorcycles. cause then i'm gonna have to find your body under some bridge or you're gonna get all burned up and..." (i mean the way he talks about things like this, it is a miracle in and of itself that i do not live everyday in binding fear, sheesh.)
"oh dad, that's not gonna happen. i'd be too upset if my legs got ruined by fire." (because logically, if you don't want something to happen, it won't, haha.)
"you've got quite the self-esteem. not like me. i don't have any self-esteem."
"well you should dad, you look good."
"i know. i look great. imagine if i acted as good as i looked."

on modesty:
"bikinis are of the devil chelsea."
"would you have said that when you were my age dad? is that the devil standing with you in all those pictures with random girls on the beach?"
"now chelsea, that's different."

on a healthy diet:
"can you open this butter for me?"
"yeah, but dad you already put a whole pack of butter on that roll."
"well so what, it's not good without butter and butter's not bad for you is it?"
"yes dad! it's terrible for your cholesterol!"
"oh, well i'm borderline diabetic so i guess i'd better watch it." (as he spreads the rest of the butter inch deep across the roll ...)
"does cholesterol have anything to do with diabetes?"
"i'm not sure, where's the salt? pass me that salt there ... is salt bad for you?"
"ohmygosh, i think you know that answer."
"aren't you gonna eat those chips?"
"no i don't like chips."
"well then give em to me. what's wrong with you, you don't even finish your plate ..."
"well i don't like chips. most people don't eat the parsley garnish and it's definitely not normal to eat the entire lemon peel."
and i kid you not, he stops eating, turns to me and says, "chelsea, normal is just a setting on washing machines and dryers. that's all normal is." and then he went back to eating his baked potato. with his hand.