run run surrender

i went to a christmas service last night that focused on how we all run from God. jonah was the main example, along with lots of modern day scenarios. my favorite was "maybe you're dating a girl, and you know you shouldn't be. she's not a christian, but she's really cute. so you keep dating her because you tell yourself that it's a lot easier to become a christian than to become really cute ..."

we all run from God. sometimes we realize it and sometimes we don't, but we always have our reasons. you're obviously hurting yourself when you do this, because logically you do not have a better idea of how your life should go than the God who created you. (why is that simple truth so hard for me to live out in trust?) what's more is that you're hurting others. this came as an epiphany to me, and i can see it so clearly in my life. i never want to hurt others but i end up doing it anyway, and it's always when i'm taking my own path instead of God's. i ramb my way ahead thinking that i am making a better path. the problem is that when i finally realize or acknowledge the mistakes that i've made, there is no path to turn back on. i can't just go back to the begining and start again. i've gone so far and left nothing but a mess behind me. there is no trail in sight and no way to go forward without getting hurt even more. (picture being lost in the woods, darkness around you, jaggers and prickers in every direction when you're already bleeding, maybe the threat of some yellow jackets stinging you.)

what then? what now? if i were a jock i'd say "failure is not an option" but as someone who lacks the competitive gene that doesn't quite fit. i think the answer is surrender. a loaded word i kind of hate, because i don't understand it. or maybe i pretend to not understand it, in order to avoid it. terri cheney wrote, "i only know that my greatest victories have always been surrenders." that's what i want God ... help me.