grandma

"Do not stand at my grave and weep,
I am not there; I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow,
I am the diamond glints on snow,
I am the sun on ripened grain,
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you awaken in the morning’s hush
I am the swift uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circling flight.
I am the soft starlight at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry,
I am not there; I did not die."

[poem by mary elizabeth frye]

i knew i wanted to speak at grandma shank's funeral when i was asked, but i had no idea that i had so much to say. i had to stop myself from writing down memories and things i admired or remembered about grandma as i prepared what i was going to say the night before. i just love her so much. i had no idea it would be so hard to say goodbye to grandma shank.

i actually wrote that down as the first thing to say when i shared, but crossed it off during the funeral because i was crying too much and knew saying that would make me cry more. but it turned out just opening with, "i'm chelsea. my parents are joe and cheryl and i had the privilege of growing up right down the street from grandma and pappy ..." was apparently way too much and i sobbed anyway.

i thought because she had a little dementia and was living in a nursing home that i would be a-okay with her death and probably not even cry. that thought is downright laughable to me now, because i was a mess at her burial and funeral, and i have cried several times since.

the crying usually starts for grandma and connects to other things, and sometimes it's intercession. (it has probably progressed to travail at the rate i cry sometimes!)

my simple introduction was cause enough for tears because all day i was realizing what a "constant" grandma has always been in my life. in the years when my dad was all over the place and after my parents separated and divorced, grandma's house right down the street was an unchanging getaway. always a rhythm and routine, always someone there. most kids love going to their grandparents house any time, but living right down the street from them really created a special bond.

even though i always felt more of a connection to pappy than to grandma, i spent more time overall with grandma and her death is taking a lot more processing for me than pappy's did.

i felt like something in pappy's spirit and mine was similar. grandma talked nonstop and that's not really me at all. she also talked loudly, and i have trouble raising my voice and am told frequently to speak louder.

i learned from someone talking to my mom and me at the funeral on monday, that benny (pappy) always said that he never had to worry about what to say when he was out on a date with arlene (grandma), because she would just talk and talk and talk.

i never heard that tidbit before. it was not surprising, but extra special and amusing to me because that is what my dad has always said (among other things) about my mom - that he liked that he didn't have to worry about what to say when they were on dates, because she talked so much.

hearing my dad say that when i was in high school always kind of crushed me, because i was not a chatterbox and wondered how i'd ever fare on dates. turns out i had nothing to worry about. (and hearing lance talk about how hard he had to work to get me to talk to him before we started dating will probably always bring me a slightly twisted amount of joy.)

it seems to be the case with death that you learn a lot of things you never knew about the person who died. i learned that when grandma shank was only eight years old she could hear her own mother talking while she was hemorrhaging to death downstairs. my great uncle warren said that he and grandma were closer than any of the others (she was one of 12 siblings) and that she was ornery. pappy's sister, great aunt dorothy, said that grandma was like a sister to her.

i learned from one of the "lemon" brothers (lemon is actually leaman and camel is actually campbell, but lehman is lehman in this family, for reasons i'm semi-certain no one could explain.) that his dad told pappy one day that he had a house he could have if he had a wife. pappy said, "oh that's no problem i'll ask her tonight." and he asked grandma to marry him and after their wedding it was into the house at the mann farm they moved. or so mr. lemon's story goes. and i hope it's true because it's just so funny.

even though everyone who knew grandma was at her funeral and heard this already, i thought i'd post what i shared at the funeral for my own future recollection.

{every christmas i would show grandma my gift from her - because she just gave my mom money to buy something for us from her to save herself from shopping for 17 grandchildren - and she'd say, "oh i see, isn't that neat, well yeah sweetie, grandma's real happy she got that for you." } 

E. Arlene Hess Shank

October 12, 1926 - May 23, 2013

5 children, 17 grandchildren and 35+ great-grandchildren

what i read at grandma shank's funeral on monday, may 27, 2013

my grandma was a fighter. she never gave up and she wasn't scared of anything. she worked harder than an ox and she thought hard work could cure everything.  she had a high respect for church and government leaders, and faithfully prayed for them whether she agreed with them or not. 

she was the best cook. i know everyone says that about their grandma, but grandma shank really was the best. even her potatoes were the best buttered potatoes you could imagine.

she loved good food and passed that love on to her family. i have a tendency to say "this is the best (fill in the blank) ever!" when i'm eating something good, and so did grandma. every sunday we would get a pizza from papa joe's and she would always say, "this is the best pizza i've ever tasted. this is even better than the one last time, don't you think so joseph?" 

then she would inquire about the pizza shop owner, and their family. she made a personal connection to everyone. she knew the deli clerks at mussers, the people who pumped her gas, every neighbor, everyone she went to church with - no one was a stranger to grandma shank.

one weekend when i was about 12, i opted to spend the night at grandma shank's house instead of staying home alone. it was close to bedtime and we were in the kitchen. i was sitting at the bar while she bustled about the kitchen. she was talking up a storm while i was eating pumpkin pie. (my favorite of all of grandma's delicious creations.)

suddenly someone was banging on the glass door beside me and before i could even scream, grandma was yelling, "COME ON IN!" no one who knew grandma and pappy would ever enter their house through those glass doors by the deck, and i was positive we were both about to get murdered. 

grandma was laughing and saying she wondered who it could be at such a late hour. a man stepped inside and grandma said, "who is it sweetie?" as if i had any clue who this man she invited inside was. the man started to say his truck ran out of gas and he had walked up the hill to her house - the closest one he had spotted with a light on. (still, a long walk through those river hills.) he needed a ride - could she help? "oh i can't, but my son will. JOZEPH! JOZEPH! ... go in and get him sweetie." 

she was offering the man pie while i ran in to the living room to wake my dad up on the sofa. "what's going on?" my dad said. i explained and he said, "you just left her out there with him?!" "what?! yes! dad, YOU get out there!" "oh geez, who knows where i'm gonna have to take him."

then when my dad stepped into the kitchen it was the stranger's turn to be afraid of the mountain of a man who had just been woken up.  but he took the man where he needed to go and helped him, just like grandma requested.

and even though my heart was racing and i was thanking God for sparing our lives, grandma didn't show one iota of fear. because no one was a stranger to her. and she really believed in the God that she so faithfully prayed to and served - the God who loves and protects His people. i was in awe of her bravery and spunk that night, and i still am.

when i got older she talked about how she regretted not being a better grandma. she was too hard on herself. i respect the way she always kept growing and improving. she did not settle for regrets, she worked to change and she never settled into a rut with old age.

she started saying "i love you" more and giving out more hugs, the older i got. she became more affectionate, giving more hugs and more kisses once she moved into fairmount homes.

she lived with purpose every day. she was a bright light, full of hope, even when she had dementia. i loved when i would visit her and could hear her singing from down the hallway. 

there was a constant buzz with grandma. her volume ebbed and flowed from talking loudly, yelling to someone or singing. even when she would be reading the Bible or her Daily Bread devotional, she still whisper-read it out loud.

"trust and obey" and "what a friend we have in jesus" and the other songs she sang were not just songs, they were the truth that she abided in each and every day.

grandma's laugh was the best and it came so easily. i can still vividly hear her laugh followed by an, "oh benny!" or "oh joe!" or "oh johnny!" 

any time i feel like i am channeling grandma shank is a proud moment, whether it is baking something great, or humming or singing without realizing it, listening to preachers on the radio, or pointing out the beauty in the landscape, the flowers, or the song of the birds. 

grandma is an easy person to celebrate. one of the things i admired and loved most about grandma is the way that she made every person she was with feel special. it was impossible to visit grandma shank without leaving feeling happier than when you arrived.

{think this is my cousin allison? but she wasn't sure. anyone know?}

i ended there because it was already too long. when i got back to georgia i showed lance my handwritten speech and there was a paragraph at the end i crossed off. he said that part was really good and i should have read it too, but i said it was too personal. plus i'd started it and barely scratched the surface. it was a little "grandma, you taught me ..." but who knows how long that could end up being.

she wasn't perfect, but grandma taught me so much of what it means to be a good wife, to love Jesus with your life and not just your words, to love people, and to never give up. she has always been one of the most positive people in my life, always cheerful - and i really want to live like that too.

"Dear Lord, Take up the tangled strands, Where we have wrought in vain,
That by the skill of Thy dear hands Some beauty may remain.

Transformed by grace divine, The glory shall be Thine;

To Thy most holy will, O Lord, We now our all resign."

~ old hymn called "Transformed" quoted by Great Uncle Oliver at the funeral~