blame it on the phone

i just threw my phone on my bed and screamed. not a blood-curdling fear-inhibited scream, but a scream of frustration or dismay or loss for words. a temper tantrum of sorts. it's honestly ridiculous how much power my phone has to make me flip out.

i also love how i blame my phone? nothing like taking out your frustration on an inanimate object you pay money to have when the root is always something bigger. (and usually a mess that i played a large part in getting myself into in the first place.)

i toy around with the idea of getting rid of my cell phone. it's funny how dependent everyone is on their cell phone when five years ago it was not a part of the human body the way that it seems to be nowadays. it's tempting to get rid of it because i suck at communicating. if i didn't have a phone a whole lot of communicating could be avoided. and maybe when i say communicating i mean confrontation ... hmmm. i suck at confrontation. i have a very good "knower" and know what i should do, but executing it does not necessarily pan out efficiently.

i hate what i am writing because i'm doing the thing that everyone does where instead of getting to the point, i'm being elusive and dramatic. example: the person who will blab on about blah blah blah when they could really say "this happened. i'm hurt." instead it turns into an elaborate explanation of who knows what because no one wants to be vulnerable. including me.

so let me come right out and say that the PHONE issues are BOY issues. if it's not a voicemail it's a text and if it's not one boy it's another. and you can only not answer your phone for so long. and you can only pretend for so long. and you can only avoid confrontation for so long. ughhh ... have mercy!

security

my car does this thing where every so often it won't start up, and a red security light starts blinking. then you wait exactly ten minutes and try again, and it will start. (on rare occasions it still won't start, and i bum a ride or call in strangers with jumper cables, but that's not the point today.) i've been blessed since this generally doesn't happen when i'm on my way TO work or pressed for time. nonetheless, i get frustrated.

so when my car wouldn't start for the umpteenth time yesterday after work, and i was hot and sweaty and tired and had someplace to be - i started grumbling. I looked at the blinking red security light and thought, 'i hate that word.' That stupid light comes on but it's false. it's not protecting me from anything but starting my car and getting where i want to be. Then God said 'I hate it too.'

i hate that security light because it doesn't mean anything. God hates what i've come to know as security on this earth because it doesn't mean anything either. the security i cling to apart from Him everyday is meaningless! God hates when i put my trust and security in anything but HIM!

this hit me hard as I realized most of my security comes from staying within my comfort zone or at least not skittering TOO far from it.
from a steady job. (read: MONEY!)
from a support system of people.
from physical health and possessions and all sorts of things that can be gone in a second and certainly won't matter in eternity.

"Find rest, O my soul, in God alone; my hope comes from Him. He alone is my rock and my salvation, He is my fortress, I will not be shaken. My salvation and my honor depend on God; He is my mighty rock, my refuge. Trust in Him at all times, O people; pour out your hearts to Him, for God is our refuge." Psalm 62:5-8

a rambling girl

why do i always want what i can't have? and then when i can have it, i don't want it anymore. do we ever stop doing that? will i?

why do my legs itch when i run for a long time? is it wrong that i flicked GOD off while i was running tonight? can i hail mary my way outta that one? and what's the deal with my fascination with catholic tradition?

who seriously likes spagetti? and why is the olive garden always so crowded when their food is terrible and overpriced?

how am i both intimidating and friendly? isn't that a classic oxymoron?

why does summer make me want a boyfriend? and why does winter make me hungry?

what makes music so emotional? and why does alcohol make people sing so much? if we were all completely at home with ourselves and didn't depend on alcohol as an excuse for mischief, would we drift through life with a constant song on our lips? what happened that we all feel the need to put up walls and be anyone but ourselves?

is there a way to make yourself cry? throw up? because sometimes i wish i could do both in a heartbeat and feel better instantaneously. but then again i don't know that either could make the hurt go away in those moments.

how crazy is it that thinking about something too much makes my stomach hurt? God really did make us people of wholeness, we can't ignore the physical or emotional or spiritual and expect to be complete.

why do i always feel so bad for people? when i have nothing to do with it? how can i give money to someone without them feeling like a charity case?

how can i get girls to realize their worth is so much higher? that they deserve guys who aren't cheating, addicted to porn, unemployed, imprisoned, lazy? not only do they deserve it but they should demand it instead of lowering the standards across the board.

what drives some girls to skinniness, but i look at my rolls in disgust and load up on ice cream instead of deprivation?

why can't i find a new purse? why is every purse i'm remotely drawn to priced above $100? and how can some people justify owning closetfuls of designer bags but the thought of buying even one $50 purse at tjmaxx makes me sick with guilt?

is being independent a character flaw? who decided that being an extrovert was so much better than being an introvert?

whatever happened to my canadian pen pal? is that when i started thinking canadians must all be weird? and whatever happened to my friend alecia from the second grade? better still - where is my imaginary pet pig pumba? i should buy a piglet.

if i admitted that i have some regrets would i stop living in fear of making more regrets?

is a late obedience considered disobedience? or does the fact that i'm asking and meddling around in so much grey area mean i've lost the point of obedience in the first place ...

another auction

the night we saw tristan's dragon

impossible love

"When you love someone, you do not love them all the time,in exactly the same way, from moment to moment. It is an impossibility. It is even a lie to pretend to. And yet this is exactly what most of us demand. We have so little faith in the ebb and flow of life, of love, of relationships. We leap at the flow of the tide and resist in terror its ebb. We are afraid it will never return. We insist on permenency, on duration, on continuity; when the only continuity possible, in life as in love, is in growth, in fluidity - in freedom, in the sense that dancers are free, barely touching as they pass, but partners in the same pattern. The only real security is not in owning or posessing, not in demanding or expecting, not in hoping, even. Security in a relationship lies neither in looking back to what was in nostalgia, nor forward to what might be in dread or anticipation, but living in the present relationship and accepting it as it is now. Relationships must be like islands, one must accept them for what they are here and now, within their limits - abandoned by the tides."
-Anne Morrow Lindbergh

Lately?

Lately I've been thinking a lot. Oh wait, that's not lately that's always. Lately I've been dreaming a lot. And that's not always, but I think it should be. Someone once told me if your dreams are something that you can accomplish on your own then you aren't dreaming big enough. The dreams I have for myself are so teensy next to what God wants to do in and through my life. I Corinthians 1:25 says, "For the foolishness of God is wiser than man's wisdom, and the weakness of God is stronger than man's strength." That makes me think our dreams and plans are probably grains of sand on a beach God wants to build us a mansion on.

I have a lot of trouble trusting God. I say I want to but I don't live like I do. I find it hard to believe He'll give me things if I don't work for it. I want that to change. I want to trust Him in everything, to trust that His dreams are where it's at. I want Him to reveal HIS dreams to me, instead of dwelling on anything else. I don't want to be a person whose dreams are limited to my head and my journal, but someone who lives them out and is amazed by the Lord's faithfulness to take me further then I could ever go on my own.

"And what more shall I say? I do not have time to tell about Gideon, Barak, Samson, Jephthah, David, Samuel and the prophets, who through faith conquered kingdoms, administered justice, and gained what was promised; who shut the mouths of lions, quenched the fury of the flames, and escaped the edge of the sword; whose weakness was turned to strength; and who became powerful in battle and routed foreign armies. Women received back their dead, raised to life again. Others were tortured and refused to be released, so that they might gain a better resurrection. Some faced jeers and flogging, while still others were chained and put in prison. They were stoned; they were sawed in two; they were put to death by the sword. They went about in sheepskins and goatskins, destitute, persecuted and mistreated— the world was not worthy of them. They wandered in deserts and mountains, and in caves and holes in the ground. These were all commended for their faith, yet none of them received what had been promised. God had planned something better for us so that only together with us would they be made perfect." Hebrews 11:32-40