evil did not win

This Saturday marks one year since the tragedy at Sandy Hook Elementary School.

My heart hurts for all of those families - and it is so many families.

Disclaimer: I think this video will make you cry … even if you're not pregnant. ;)

"People ask, 'But where was your God when this happened? Why didn't He stop it? God allowed others to kill His Son. He allows for us all to make our own choices - good and bad, because that's the only way good can be in us, is if we freely choose it over all else. evil didn't win that day. We'll carry on that love like she had. It's quiet, it's not on the news, and it takes effort to find it."

[alissa parker, mother of 6-year-old emilie, who was killed 12-14-12]

just dandy

i was scrolling through blog drafts that i did not publish, and found one that was delightful. had me laughing out loud. not sure why i didn't publish it when i wrote it last year, but it was a nice, completely forgotten memory to rediscover.

* * * * * 

[written in 2012]

when i stopped to see grandma shank last week, she was in a wheelchair in the hallway with a nurse and they were chatting away. the week before she had been walking in the hallway with someone and i could hear her all the way at the opposite end saying, "well yeah! i thought it was just dandy!"

cracks me up. she is always right there in the action of her unit. really i think it's safe to say she IS the action - everyone else is usually quietly slumped over in the circle of recliners.

so they were getting her ready for a walk because she wanted to go outside. i thought that a wheelchair walk would be lovely, because watching her walk makes me really nervous and i am always terrified she is going to fall.

the nurse said i could take her outside by myself and that also made me nervous and i said, "oh. okay. um, are there any rules?"

she laughed at me (as she should have) and said nope, probably just keep her sitting.

i don't know why i am like this, but i really like step by step instructions.

my mom cooks without recipes and it blows my mind. i suppose everyone who is a good cook does this, because a long time ago i asked grandma for a recipe for her angel food cake and she didn't know it. or any of her other recipes. so i try not to think about how i will never get to eat her deliciousness again, just like i try not to think about how my favorite restaurants in the world are a thousand dollar fight away in maui.

i also wanted to ask what if she jumps up and tries to run away when we get outside? REALLY CHELSEA? every so often i have a thought so absurd that it is absurd enough to make me realize how crazy my fears are. and that makes me think about how to God 100% of my fears must sound 100% ridiculous.

i started wheeling grandma down the hall and she was chatting away as usual, oh i love her so much. but then she started yelling, "oh there she is. lizzie! lizzie!" i have no way of knowing if the old woman not responding AT ALL really is lizzie and just can't hear or see, or if grandma is confused, so i kindof just keep wheeling at a creeper pace.

our walk was basically a social outing, because everyone knows grandma and stops to chat. by the time we made it downstairs to the doors to go out, grandma was saying, "oh we don't want to go outside if it's cold." but i wheeled her forward a few feet closer and asked if she wanted to just feel the temperature and she said, "oh yeah, yeah the sun's shining. oh it's good for us to get fresh air ..."

so we wheeled around for a bit checking out the gardens until it got too windy and went back in and grandma chatted with the lady who is always sitting by the door.

grandma: "oh i wonder how you decided to live here?"
lady: "i didn't. they sent me here straight from the hospital."
grandma: "oh my, well are you doing better now since you got out?"
lady: (gives an elaborate explanation of all her medical history and how she had a stroke and can no longer walk)
grandma: well, we just keep on smiling though don't we? that's all we can do! and i think as long as we have our health and can get around,we can't really complain.

it was quite an ironic thing to say since the lady just finished saying she can't walk or get around, and grandma was in a wheelchair. i also enjoyed her response to the lady's question of "how long have you been living here now?" "ohh, it'll soon be a year."

she has been there for about six years, i think. i never correct her. the nurses may think i am mildly retarded because i just agree with whatever she says or say "that's great" when she says they get to choose their food for each meal. they don't, and i know that. but someone looked at me vigorously shaking their head back and forth when she said that.

i also like when she talks about the other people there like she doesn't live there too. "oh i bet they like that, that's good for them," she said when the one staff member was playing a toy keyboard for some people in the room to guess the tune.

* * * * * 

grandma always kept in mind that someone else had it worse than her. my dad has talked about his parents being "proud" in a negative sense. that stubborn kind of pride that refuses to admit weakness or ask for help, for instance. people can have unhealthy levels of pride, for sure, but it almost seems like grandma's sense of pride was a good thing. maybe thinking that she wasn't like the old people around her kept her healthy and going strong for a lot longer. 

something grandma would say about people all the time that always bothered me was, "he/she comes from a broken family …"

uh, okay grandma, what am i from then? do i have a free pass to give up and screw up my life because i'm from a so-called broken family too? i still hate that phrase - "broken family." i don't think anyone (who is being honest) would like to be told they come from a broken family. just because divorce changes the structure of a family doesn't mean it's not still a family. and every family is made up of imperfect people and has its own set of challenges.

but grandma probably didn't even consider me to be from a broken family, because her own family was perfect to her. certainly her pride and joy, and rightly so. she really saw things from her own eyes, and it seems like that was a good thing.

"the best way to keep our troubles in perspective

is to be aware of others troubles." 

[mark driscoll]

all kinds of cuteness

a maternity nurse in paris made this video of newborn twins taking a bath still holding on to each other, apparently not realizing they were out of their mother's womb. isn't it one of the most peaceful things you've ever watched?

* * * 

this is the family of one of my stepsister's good friends, emily. her husband, guy, was in a bad car accident last weekend and is in a partially assisted coma. (you can read more at his caringbridge site.) they have five girls, including triplets who were born earlier this year. pray for their family and for complete healing for guy.

* * *

and THIS is my beautiful niece, lana june shank.
born november 13, 2013.

i can't get over how perfect she is.

counting down the days until i get to meet her in person!

deluge

one of my hideous habits that i would love to eliminate is comparison. ugh. it happens in so many different forms. but sometimes i get so caught up in focusing on everyone who seems to have it "better" than me that i forget about all the people who have it worse.

i used to get so jealous of people who had what i considered good dads - and frustrated if they took it for granted. i saw it as something to be jealous of, when all along God was strategically placing people in my life.

maybe God was trying to say, 'hey chels, not all dads are like your dad. here is HOPE.' he showed me godly, faithful men committed to their families. he gave me living examples of strong marriages and families to look up to my whole life. and "spiritual fathers" when i needed them.

last week one of those spiritual fathers encouraged me GREATLY.

it was one of my YWAM friend's dads. we spent a tiny bit of time together in maui when he was visiting his son. but in that brief time i either made a great impression … or he hoped his son would marry me … or he is an awesome man of God who is in tune with and obedient to the Holy Spirit. probably all of the above. ;) that was seven years ago, and he still periodically checks in with me.

{maui, round one, in 2006}

i needed something last week, and i told God - and that dad sent me a message with a great word. to top it off he invited me to come stay with them in north carolina and let them pamper me while lance is away! sweetest offer ever. 

he is a wealthy business man. friends with people like billy graham and mike huckabee. i love the way his faith is such a natural part of who he is.

he went to college with another influential spiritual father in my life - pastor dwayne at my church in maui. they were both radical hippies who loved Jesus. they have cool stories about things like cross country road trips in volkswagen vans they didn't have money to fill up with gas. and they still love Jesus and have radical stories now, as they both own very successful businesses.

pastor dwayne has a contracting business in maui and leads a church. he always remembered me, and that in itself meant so much to me. before that time, i never had a pastor who actually acknowledged me, let alone took an interest me. but pastor dwayne went out of his way to talk to me every week at church.

he had the YWAMers at his church over for dinner often, and would talk to me specifically about what i thought God was saying to me each week. the way he treated me showed me God's heart. it greatly increased my confidence in myself, in hearing the voice of God, and in articulating it - because it needs to be shared.

he is also very prophetic. every week he would call out a few people's names before the message, and give them whatever word God gave him for that person. i loved that.

once my friend ashley and i were waiting along the road for a ride home for a very long time. (we hitchhiked everywhere in maui.) so i started praying out loud for a ride - and for it to be in a nice car this time, no trucks. normally i love hopping in the back of trucks, but it was about to rain. so why pray small prayers when you can go big, ya know? 

{ ash and i waiting for a ride on another day in maui. }

ashley was incredulous when a few minutes later, a shiny BMW pulled right up to us and the driver was saying my name. she was also very confused - "do you know him? what is happening right now?" it was pastor dwayne. he had been at the mall and would have normally driven a totally different route home, but he felt a nudge to go home a different way. which led him to the opposite side of the mall where we were waiting for a ride.  it started pouring when we got in his car. no one can tell me God doesn't hear our prayers.

i look back at my life and i see how very much God watched over me and set me up for greatness. and He is doing it for you too - He wants the best for you!

God has always, always been faithful. 

and knowing that i can only see in part, i wonder how much more He has done for me than i realize? how many things has God done for me that have gone unnoticed? how many things are yet to come? how can i not be grateful every day of my life?

He has never not been faithful - it is my own perspective that gets skewed, and out of that confusion i can easily distance myself from God.

and that skewed perspective/confusion is probably why a few weeks ago i was not in a good frame of mind. really, really missing lance and my family and just hurting. when i went to women's bible study at church that week, they were passing around tissues ahead of time as they introduced the speaker. i guess most of the women already knew the gist of her story and what was coming, but i was unaware. and for who knows what reason, i did not take a tissue. (real smart move, chels. always take the tissues!)

she shared about growing up in a baptist church and being told that if you wanted to know God you needed to read the entire bible. being an obedient kid, she did it. she was thirsty for more, and revelation piqued her interest. her questions went unanswered for years, and in college she drifted from her faith, and met and fell in love with her husband. they got married, both returned to their faith, and she delved into revelation again, consuming every study guide that she could.

when their son was 10 months old, they were living in germany and her husband was deployed to iraq. one night the infamous men in suits showed up at her door - her husband had been killed.

as she started talking and crying about it, i think every woman in the room was crying too.

after he died, she knew she needed time to just get into the word of God. she cried out to God. clung to Him. she had a few specific, pressing questions for God, and in time He has revealed the answers to her.

she wanted to know what heaven was like, because it had to be much more than clouds and harps and halos and nonstop singing that we all picture when we think of heaven. having exhausted most study guides, she went back to the Bible - specifically her beloved book of revelation.

she held up her Bible and reminded us, "this is for YOU. for YOU to study and it is not just for someone in seminary to study, so you can take what they say and believe that. it's written for YOU." 

she also wanted to know if she would be reunited with her husband in heaven. she did not want anyone else - she still loved him, and more than anything else she wanted to be with him again. (i was sobbing!) that happened over 10 years ago, and you can tell that she still loves her husband. and not in an unhealthy way - just beautiful, true love.

she published a book on her study of revelation. she believes the whole earth will be restored to the garden of eden. what stuck out to me most: all of the suffering on earth that we cannot understand how God allows, will be completely redeemed and restored in heaven!

it might be the most beautiful picture of heaven i have ever imagined. i cried as she told us to imagine her and her husband being reunited … to imagine brooke and her son being reunited in heaven (brooke lost her baby the day he was born) … imagine an end to all of the crap you've endured on earth.

i thought about my mom and her dad being reunited in heaven … about my dad being healed and 100% mentally healthy in heaven … and then i cried thinking about so many parents and children being reunited … babies and moms and dads … no sickness or disease … wow.

think of any situation that has ever caused you pain … or made you wonder why … or question God … or made you HURT thinking about another person having to go through it. and then to think that there will be restoration and redemption?! heavenly reunions?! YES! that is something to be excited for!

i sat there in tears, as she continued talking through her own tears, and listened to her say, "God is so good. He is so good." that is POWERFUL. the Holy Spirit speaks through her, and the authority that she has because of the choices she has made is amazing.

the connections in her life - like an early hunger for revelation leading to a deeper understanding down the road, and a powerful platform to share from - were amazing.

i am excited thinking about things in my life that will still be used - and powerfully. everything for a purpose.

perspective. her story gave me that when i needed it.

how desperately i need fresh perspective for each day.

and God has PLENTY of perfect perspective to give to me - i'm the only thing standing in the way, and it's up to me to choose His perspective and ask for more of it.

to clear my mind of every anxious thought … every judgement and comparison ... everything else … so that He can show me MORE of who He is. and as He does i will walk in fullness … i will see NEW things come to life … connections made between interests and experiences and dreams and life and purpose. all for a much, much bigger picture than anything i can comprehend.

{ currently on repeat: "who can compare" by jesus culture.}

a few fall pictures

these are all pictures swiped from friends. 

i've gotta do a better job of taking pictures, eek.

meagan (due march 19) and me (due february 16) at our friend sarah's wedding. 

i was a bridesmaid. it was fun. and cold, since it was outside at a beautiful ranch. 

i sat next to an old man at the reception who told me to name the baby samuel. because his name was richard, and it's just so hard having a name that isn't in the bible. except his name has "rich" in it and that is in the bible a lot, so he said that helps. he is the second person who has suggested a bible name to me. unsolicited.  no wonder people find christians weird. i really don't mind the random suggestions, but i do find it very amusing.

my mom had an awesome baby shower for me while i was in PA. i love my family and friends!

halloween at my friend laura's house.

columbus cottonmouths ice hockey game with lots of ranger wives.

proceeds from the game went to corporal josh hargis and his family. (i posted about him here. he lost both legs last month and is recovering in texas. his wife is pregnant with their first child and due this spring.)

i'm not sure if they always do a military slideshow at intermission or if it was special for that night, but i was trying not to watch it because it was putting me on the brink of a teary meltdown. the pictures were playing to the toby keith song "american soldier." i was so glad when one of the wives behind me said, "are they TRYING to get ALL of us to cry and break down here?!" ha. it was super sweet and i love that they did that, but it is just not something you want to watch when you're majorly missing your husband.

they had some rangers at the game to escort us to our cars at the end of the night too. which i love. the emphasis on being a gentleman is one of my favorite things about rangers. the rangers i know are total gentleman and it's the best. respect is huge and there are consequences and major disrespect for anyone who doesn't take care of their wife and family. and i'm pretty sure that's how God intended it to be. ;)

recently read for october 19, 2013

Belly Laughs by Jenny McCarthy

McCarthy is very frank (which I love), but pregnancy is so NOT as bad as she makes it sound. Had I read this book pre-pregnancy I would have been scared, because I would not have known she is just dramatic and pregnancy is a-okay. For example, sure I have to pee a lot, but I don't think I would resort to hopping out of the car at a stop sign and squatting in a yard, like she did. Very funny to read about though, so kudos to McCarthy for a funny book.

The Black Book of Hollywood Pregnancy Secrets

By Kym Douglas and Cindy Pearlman

NOT worth reading. Basically a glorified magazine touting a list of products not worth buying. I'm not sure what I was expecting though.

Great With Child: Letters to a Young Mother

By Beth Ann Fennel

Pure excellence! I have a few friends in mind that I plan to gift this to when they have babies. It is the collection of letters a professor wrote to one of her former students, who found out she was pregnant shortly after her mother died. The language is beautiful. No fear-mongering like in so many pregnancy websites/dialogues/books. Honest thoughts on the desire to be the best mom, and also be successful in another career. Positive reflections on the miracle and beauty of pregnancy and parenthood. 

Seven

By Jen Hatmaker

I went into this book with low expectations, because when a book is really popular at a Christian bookstore the chances of me completely loving it are slim. And yet, I LOVED it. I am also going through a group Bible study (separate workbook) where we are doing a mini version of Seven - instead of committing whole months, we do a week of focusing on cutting back in each area. (A week of eating only seven foods, a week of giving seven things away each day, etc.) Powerful book that left me with fresh conviction and excitement! Hatmaker is a RIOT. 

Loving Our Kids on Purpose

By Danny Silk

Superb book that I know I will be re-reading because it's so rich. I was surprised by how much his parenting wisdom challenged me personally - and already. It brought things to light about myself I never realized. He uses great stories and explains things in such a way that you gain a greater understanding of who God is, who you are, and how kids (people) really tick. Highly recommend.

Bringing Up Bebe

By Pamela Druckerman

An American living in Paris notices that French babies are not only more well behaved, but they sleep through the night early on and their parents seem calm and in control. The comparisons between cultures are oh-so-fascinating, and here's hoping the tips and theories work when applied in real life. So fun to learn about how vastly different parenting is from one culture to another. Reminded me that there is freedom, because no person (or culture) is an expert (or perfect) when it comes to parenting. 

I will say, the Americans she uses as her examples are pretty much ... yuppies. And a lot of the parenting wisdom she draws from the French are tried and true "methods" that would probably be a little thing called common sense to generations of say, Mennonites. ;-) But definitely not all of it! What struck me most about the French is the way they develop their children's palate from a young age (lots of veggies, and no kiddy menus and processed food) as well as the way they focus on their marriage and maintaining themselves, instead of letting the kids become the center of it all.

Thoughts on any of these?

And what are you reading?

Any recommendations to share?

the salute

The following was posted on Facebook by Taylor Hargis, a wife of one of the Rangers who was recently injured, and it went viral online. (And rightfully so.) Joshua Hargis has since been featured on The Today Show and multiple news outlets. Check out his wife's interview on NBC Nightly News - it's a tearjerker.

"I received this pictures today along with a letter from the commander of the team Josh was a part of on the night of his injuries. A letter to explain to me what kind of man I have the privilege of being married to. He explained to me what happened and what was going on in the picture.

"Josh was seriously wounded as you know and survived for almost two hours after his injury before arriving to the hospital. Josh was immediately pushed through a series of surgeries and emerged hours later into an intensive care unit here at our base in Afghanistan. 

Despite being in intense pain and mental duress, Josh remained alert and compassionate to the limited Rangers that were allowed to visit him bedside. Prior to Josh being moved to Germany for his eventual flight to America, we conducted a ceremony to award him with the Purple Heart for wounds received in action. A simple ceremony, you can picture a room full of Rangers, leaders, doctors, and nurses surrounding his bedside while the Ranger Regimental Commander pinned the Purple Heart to his blanket. 

During the presentation the Commander publishes the official orders verbally and leaned over Josh to thank him for his sacrifice. Josh, whom everybody in the room (over 50 people) assumed to be unconscious, began to move his right arm under the blanket in a diligent effort to salute the Commander as is customary during these ceremonies. Despite his wounds, wrappings, tubes, and pain, Josh fought the doctor who was trying to restrain his right arm and rendered the most beautiful salute any person in that room had ever seen. 

I cannot impart on you the level of emotion that poured through the intensive care unit that day. Grown men began to weep and we were speechless at a gesture that speak volumes about Josh's courage and character. The picture, which we believe belongs on every news channel and every news paper is attached. I have it hanging above my desk now and will remember it as the single greatest event I have witnessed in my ten years in the Army."

Motherhood {By Christianna Maas}

"My willingness to carry life is the revenge, the antidote, the great rebuttal of every murder, every abortion, and every genocide. I sustain humanity. Deep inside of me, life grows. I am death’s opposition.

I have pushed back the hand of darkness today. I have caused there to be a weakening tremor among the ranks of those set on earth’s destruction. Today a vibration that calls angels to attention echoed throughout time. Our laughter threatened hell today.

I dined with the greats of God’s army. I made their meals, and tied their shoes. Today, I walked with greatness, and when they were tired I carried them. I have poured myself out for the cause today. 

It is finally quiet, but life stirs inside of me. Gaining strength, the pulse of life sends a constant reminder to both good and evil that I have yielded myself to Heaven and now carry its dream. No angel has ever had such a privilege, nor any man. I am humbled by the honor. I am great with destiny.

I birth the freedom fighters. In the great war, I am a leader of the underground resistance. I smile at the disguise of my troops, surrounded by a host of warriors, destiny swirling, invisible yet tangible, and the anointing to alter history. Our footsteps marking land for conquest, we move undetected through the common places.

Today I was the barrier between evil and innocence. I was the gatekeeper, watching over the hope of mankind, and no intruder trespassed. There is not an hour of day or night when I turn from my post. The fierceness of my love is unmatched on earth.

And because I smiled instead of frowned the world will know the power of grace. Hope has feet, and it will run to the corners of the earth, because I stood up against destruction.

I am a woman. 
I am a mother. 
I am the keeper and sustainer of life here on earth. 
Heaven stands in honor of my mission. 
No one else can carry my call. 
I am the daughter of Eve. Eve has been redeemed. I am the opposition of death. I am a woman." 

wisdom from edith schaeffer

"We are an environment, 

each one of us. 

We are an environment for the other people with whom we 

live, the people with whom we work, the people with whom 

we communicate ... 

our conversations, 

attitudes, 

behavior, 

response or lack of response, 

hardness or compassion, 

our love or selfishness, 

joy or dullness, 

concern for others or self-pity - 

all these things make a difference to the people who 

have to live in our environment. 

Enthusiasm and excitement infect other people; 

expectancy that God can intervene and do something 

in this moment of  history and doing something 

practical to show that expectancy in prayer, affects 

the attitudes of other people." 

“It is true that all men are created in the image of God, but 

Christians are supposed to be conscious of that fact, and 

being conscious of it should recognize the importance of 

living artistically, aesthetically, and creatively, as 

creative creatures of the Creator. 

If we have been created in the image of an Artist, 

then we should look for expressions of artistry, and 

be sensitive to beauty, responsive to what has been 

created for us." 

“We foolish mortals sometimes live through years not 

realizing how short life is, and that TODAY is your life.” 

[all quotes from Edith Schaeffer]

[photos via Pinterest]

untitled

it was a rough weekend. not saying it to complain - just being real. and actually now i'm feeling extremely thankful, and full of fresh perspective.

i called my mom on saturday night and we talked and i felt better. i was lonely and missing lance, and had not heard from him. i wasn't worried about not hearing from him, because there were rumors that their phones/internet would be turned off due to the government shutdown. just missing him big time.

but on sunday night i got a call from our phone chain with awful news. several people were killed and injured - the worst loss the 75th ranger regiment had seen in several years. you can read more about it here if you're interested. four people were killed and many more injured during a night combat operation that stopped a high-profile suicide bombing in kandahar city.

whenever something like this happens, the phones/internet are turned off until families can be notified - so it actually had nothing to do with the government shutdown. which is really funny now, because different people kept worriedly asking me if i'd heard from my husband since they hadn't heard from theirs, and i lightheartedly told them not to worry, "it's just part of the government shutdown." ha, classic chelsea! i'm glad i was clueless and not worried though.

even though i was told on the phone on sunday that it was not anyone from his company, i was sitting on my couch speechless with my mind running wild. i thought about calling my mom again, but didn't want to be too needy. (at that point we were also instructed not to share the information with anyone, so there was that.)

but a few minutes later my phone rang and it was my mom. calling to check on me. happy sigh. why would i hesitate to be "needy" with my mom, the person who has known (and patiently handled) my neediness for 25+ years now? i hope that mom intuition she has gets passed on to me somehow, because she has it pretty much perfected.

i am so excited to have a son, and hearing everyone's positive comments about boys is great. most say that the first 5-10 years with boys are exhausting, but in the long run boys are easier than girls. i know it boils down to personality and a lot of other factors, but thinking about my brother and me ... um yeah, girls are a lot more difficult in the long run!

i cannot count the number of nights my mom stayed up with me, calming me down, listening to me, coaching me, hugging me, crying with me, praying with me.

i went through a phase around fifth and sixth grade where i could not sleep at night. i laugh about it now, but it was very real, and i still remember the anxiety and what a horrible feeling it was to not be able to sleep. my mom would try all sorts of things to help, but mostly it came down to a lot of selflessness on her part - going through a ridiculously long routine with me, being patient because if she wasn't i would freak out and be even more of a mess.

those are just the nights i remember her physical presence, but then there are the nights i'm sure she was wide awake praying for me - maybe while she was working nights, or my first sleepovers, or my unforgettable week at summer camp.

to say i hated camp would be an understatement. i sent my mom tear-stained letters BEGGING her to pick me up early. other dramatics included (but i'm sure were not limited to) complaining about not being fed enough, and detailing every single injury everyone in my cabin sustained (even though i had none) so that she would please just pick me up early. there was vivid relief on her face when she picked me up on the last day of camp, probably because my letters had her questioning whether her decision to let me stick it out would mean i was dead by then.

it was probably somewhat of a shock for my mom when i decided to do YWAM after i graduated. an entire year away from family and everything familiar. i vaguely remember her saying, "remember camp, chelsea?" it must have been so traumatic that i blocked it out, because i shrugged and went to hawaii and asia - without any sleepless nights or homesickness.

but that's not to say there weren't plenty of "adventures" that year to keep my mom busy praying -  when i forgot to call her after my flights were delayed overnight and i finally arrived in maui, when i got a bad case of staph infection, food poisoning, and other random sicknesses in third world countries, and when i decided to extend my time in nepal after my team left. to name a few.

then i finally started dating and i'm sure the ante was upped in the prayer department. (being a late bloomer was a very good thing - dating in high school would have been too much for me to handle, ha.)

and now i'm married and pregnant and on my own in another state, and i'm as thankful as ever to have a prayer warrior mama. i can see now that the prayers never stop when you're a mom. kinda like the way you start crying a lot when you're pregnant probably won't stop either.

my mom's birthday is on october 19, and i'm not sure how old she is turning because she doesn't look her age. and sometimes she has so much energy it baffles me. (however, in all of the commotion of insisting we not mention her age in recent years, she now officially forgets her real age, so at least there is that little bit of proof that she really is her age.)

dear mom,
thank you for bringing me into this world. thank you for being patient with me, especially all of the times i said i wished i was never born. thanks for not giving up on me during those years when i would have given up on myself without you. your prayers and your presence in my life have helped to make me who i am, and i can't thank you enough for all that you have done for me through the years. 

thank you for realizing that time is the best gift, and always being willing to spend time with me. 

thank you for being an example of a strong and fearless woman. the other week in yoga we were supposed to envision a superhero, and think about channeling those qualities during birth (weird i know) but i just pictured you. giving birth to two babies over ten pounds, all-natural - and i've never heard you complain or say a negative thing about it! you are fierce. we are blessed to be your children.

now that i'm becoming a mom, i am even more aware that dads usually get to be the fun one and moms get stuck with the dirty work. thanks for doing the dirty work. thanks for loving us, even when we acted like dad hung the moon and pushed you to the back because you were always there. thank you for going above and beyond what most single moms (or any moms!) do for their kids. 

my prayer for your new year is that you will get to share your amazing testimony with more women, because you have so much wisdom and experience to share with the world. you are a beautiful and wonderful woman of God, an amazing nurse, and i love that i get to be your daughter!

happy (early) birthday susan!

love,
your more difficult child ;)


... and even though boys might be less difficult, my friend ashley pointed out that girls will stick with you more than boys in the long run. every sunday her husband sighs, "oh it's sunday, i guess i'll call my mom." they have two little boys and she tells her husband that he better never leave her, because she knows when her sons grow up they will leave her and be groaning, "well it's sunday, i guess i'll call my mom." ha.

so really, boys or girls aren't necessarily easier, and it all evens out - right?

what do you think?

we are having a boy!

my gut feeling from the beginning was that we were having a boy, but as time passed i started second-guessing it. almost everyone else guessed boy, which i find impressive. 

on one of my "second-guessing" days i googled old wives tales about how to tell what you're having, and several of the myths supported boy. (such as craving salt, not sweets.) my crazy dreams had included guest appearances from michael jordan, clint eastwood and kobe bryant. all people who definitely do not normally enter my waking stream of consciousness ... hmm.

i had my yoga instructor snap this after class last week because i love the way the walls are painted in the yoga room (so peaceful), and because i have to solicit random people to take weekly shots for the sweet belly book my friend gave me. or succumb to selfies. or forget. mostly i forget.

{18 weeks}

i used to say i wanted to "be surprised" and not find out the gender until birth, but as soon as we knew i was pregnant that changed and i wanted to know. lance (who always said he wanted to find out) says he knew i would change my mind, so he never worried about it when i claimed i'd wait and be surprised. it's like he knows me better than i know myself or something.

we counted down the days and were so excited for thursday - the day i would find out our baby's gender. 

so naturally when i left a meeting i had all morning, i had a voicemail from the doctor's office saying that i would need to call and reschedule because the ultrasound tech had an emergency and was out all day. womp womp. i sat in my car saying, "are you kidding me?! i can't believe it!" until i started laughing. i felt terrible when lance called that night excited to find out and i didn't know yet, but how could we not laugh about it?! of course this would happen.

thankfully i got in for the next day, and everything looked great at the appointment. she knew right away it was a boy. and the miracle of pregnancy and birth and LIFE hit me all over again. any misgivings i had about finding out the gender beforehand (because it might be less special than being surprised) vanished as i realized that finding out your baby's gender is incredibly special whenever you find out. 

it was one of the best days of my life. i had not anticipated how special it would be. i also hadn't anticipated how much it would make me miss lance, but telling him when he called that night was so much fun. he is thrilled. i told him right away - he had warned me awhile ago to not play any jokes about it when i told him. which i had not even considered at that point, but wanted to do as soon as he mentioned this stipulation. proving yet again how well he knows me.

"every child begins the world again." [henry david thoreau]

life lately

 {carrie logan photography}

i hope i don't regret saying this, but things have been going really well for me during deployment. there have been hiccups, like a recon guy banging on our front door a few nights after lance left. this happened three times before, always when lance was home and i could wake him up to deal with it. those times it was around 2-3 a.m. and thankfully this time it was 9:30 p.m., but still frustrating. (they want someone who used to live here.)

this weekend everyone i hung out with seemed to be talking about break-ins in their neighborhood, so that was unsettling, but i try not to dwell on it. apparently a lot of wives move their vehicles around so anyone who might be watching won't know their husband is gone. doing that never occurred to me. i am not sure if it is naivety or trust in God or laziness, but i have no plans to start doing it either.

but those are just hiccups, and overall i'm surprised at how well i'm doing. i can feel everyone's prayers and for that i'm thankful. spending time with other wives here is wonderful, and i just love the military community here. it may be the most welcoming and accepting group i have ever been a part of.

 {carrie logan photography}

the wives who have been doing this for years talk about how they don't know what they'll do when the deployments end, because that's the only way of life they have known in their marriage. they actually look forward to the time apart. the wives who are new to everything can be a bit more, well, sad. they talk about how the days drag on and what medications they are on to get by.

and as usual, i can't completely relate to either side. i miss lance fiercely at times and i have trouble falling asleep, but i am getting by just fine (and unmedicated, gasp!) and finding joy in each day. i am counting down the days til lance returns, but looking forward to other things in the meantime. (okay, mostly looking forward to finding out our baby's gender, but other little things too. and other big things like my friend's wedding in october and the arrival of my niece in november!)

without a doubt, perspective and good people are two of the greatest parts about being involved in the millitary. i think every marriage can benefit from time apart, even just a week. i expected us to fight a lot in the weeks leading up to lance leaving, because they say that's common with all the tension from what's looming, but we didn't. we really made the most of our time.

i bit my tongue more and let things slide - is getting mad at your husband for not putting dishes in the dishwasher right away really worth it? no. if i kept that perspective all of the time i'd be a nicer person to live with. (obviously.) that's just one minor for instance, but really, living with a perspective of your spouse leaving soon really helps you to love them well and to not take anything for granted. i feel like that's a gift we've been given and we generally do a great job of making the most of our time together and not taking each other for granted, or taking any of the little things for granted.

we love just being able to go to sleep next to each other in the same bed, and you could argue that's a newlywed thing, and that might be part of it, but it's more than that. taking icy showers in nepal stuck with me. i still thank God for clean, hot showers maybe once a week - and that's six years after living in nepal. there are things i said i'd never take for granted after living in nepal that i do take for granted now. but some things stuck.

hopefully with every experience we have in life there are things that stick with us like that, molding us into people with maturity, wisdom and simple gratitude. i'm thankful for all of the things military life is teaching us, and all of the things that will stick. like hopefully perspective, and gratitude for "little" things like life and being alive and together.

and probably an eternal gratitude toward air conditioning, because i try to thank God for it every day in this sweltering state. i told my mom the other night how everyone's facebook statuses about the gorgeous, fall weather in pennsylvania were making me jealous and before i could finish she started elaborating, "oh chels, it has been! it has just been so nice and cool outside, just perfect, so beautiful ..." ALRIGHT, I GET IT. autumn in the northeast is the stuff dreams are made of, and here it is still so hot that sometimes i can barely touch my steering wheel when i get into my car. sheesh mom, it's like you want me to live in pennsylvania again or something. ;-)

pregnancy wise i have been feeling great too. i miss my old workouts, but don't have the energy for more than walks, dips in the pool and ... prenatal yoga!

i was incredibly anti-yoga after some solid teaching against it in YWAM, and still feel a smidge (okay, a lot) of guilt for doing it ... but it feels wonderful. the movements help to prepare your body for labor and delivery. my crossfit workouts are a bit too intense/scary for during pregnancy, so i had dropped those, and i fell out of sync with running due to the sleepiness of my first trimester and the ridiculous heat in georgia all summer. i go crazy without some kind of regular activity/exercise, so i was looking for something, and when i tried prenatal yoga it was a perfect fit.

the instructor brings her adorable six month old son with her, and she ties education and stories into the classes. she does a phenomenol job of teaching positive thinking patterns and breathing methods that will help during birthing. i am not a very bendy or coordinated person by nature, but all of the stretching feels great and i think my body needs the challenge. plus, working out in a room full of pregnant mamas and comparing notes is way more fun than working out alone at a gym when you still have a burrito belly.

recently read for september 10, 2013

The Best of Me

By Nicholas Sparks

I think my Nicholas Sparks fan phase has passed. This story was so similar to his others that I just looked ahead to see who died so I wouldn't be stressed out about it while I read. It's the story of star-crossed high school lovers who break up and go separate ways in life only to reunite and realize neither of their lives panned out as they had hoped. It was still a decent read and toward the end I got sucked in and stayed up too late finishing it. My favorites from Sparks are A Walk to Remember, The Wedding and The Notebook.

Happy, Happy, Happy: My Life and Legacy as the Duck Commander
By Phil Robertson
Such an awesome, quick read! We love watching Duck Dynasty. Phil Robertson has an amazing life story and his work ethic and strong faith are what stuck out to me in his book, along with his love for family. The story of how he worked his way from humble beginnings and created a thriving business is very motivating. His testimony and the way he is able to so naturally incorporate his love and respect for God into everything is awesome too.

Confessions of a Raging Perfectionist

By Amanda Jenkins

I read this as part of a small group at my church, thinking maybe I could relate to perfectionism.  But nope, not so much.  I felt like the author wanted to believe what she was advising her readers in regards to getting rid of perfectionism, but she didn't yet, so it wasn't convincing. But that's just me - our group leader was enthralled with it.

My Foot is Too Big for the Glass Slipper
By Gabrielle Reece
LOVED this book and could not put it down! A short, easy read that is raw and honest and right up my alley. Reece is a former pro volleyball player and supermodel. (I wouldn't know who she was except that we were once both having coffee in the same cafe in Maui and the friend I was with explained her fame.) She gives it to ya straight in this book and I'd love to be friends with her in real life. The opening  is about how silly the concept of "happily ever after" is because 1) who does that actually happen to? and 2) would you really want your wedding to be the climax of your life with no grand adventures after that or obstacles to overcome? She talks about fitness, marriage, parenting, and making the most of life. It's different from anything I've read - not an autobiography but not quite self-help.

Looking for Alaska
By John Green
Good book - quick read and very different. It is young adult fiction and felt much more like young adult fiction than Green's bestselling novel, The Fault in our Stars. Miles goes to boarding school in Alabama in search of adventure really, and he certainly finds it in the friends he makes. It's a coming of age story with a big twist I did not see coming, and a very thoughtful ending.

The Circle Maker

By Mark Batterson

I was tickled to find this at a yard sale since our pastor had preached a series based off this book and highly recommended it. The girl at the yard sale told me it changed her life and would change mine. It is excellent, but halfway through it started getting a bit repetitive. Still left me challenged to pray BIGGER and more specific prayers, because when we pray vague prayers we really don't give God a chance to answer or our faith a shot at growing. His stories definitely grew my faith and stretched my thinking.