why i'm not my age

there is a cafe close to campus where i spend a lot of time studying. the people who work there aren't welcoming at all, they look at you weird when you actually sit at a table and study for awhile. as if everyone is only allowed to get takeout because they just want to be in there alone so they can sing to whatever music they're playing.

well i don't know what they wish they were doing, but there are definitely times they shoot me looks and i want to say, "hey i don't mind if you sing, go ahead." but then they'd probably just say, "what the h are you talking about weird girl who is always wearing gym clothes? i was only looking at you because you're laughing out loud at your computer screen. AND you're singing, do you not realize you're singing?" no actually, i didn't, but i do have a tendency to sing without realizing it. i like music, it happens, okay?

whenever there are people "my age" in there talking really loudly about something, i wonder how old i really am. i wonder how i am 23 and yet consistently agitated at the immaturity of my fellow college students. and it's high time i stop answering "yeah maybe" every time someone invites me to go to the village.

if you're not from lancaster, or even if you are and you don't know what the village is, let me explain. or maybe i shouldn't, because i've never actually been there and i've only built up this entirely hypocritical idea of what it is and why i do not have any desire to go there. ever. so me explaining wouldn't be fair. at all. ask around, and depending who you consult, you might hear that it's an awesome club with great cheap drinks and lancaster needs more like it. or maybe you'll hear it's a sleazy club and a hot spot for date rape and std's.

the point is that i need to stop saying maybe whenever i get invited, because we all know ... well clearly we don't all know, because people still invite me, which is flattering actually, so carry on with the invites ... but anyway, we all know that i am not going to go there.

the village is the focal point of the majority of conversations at that cafe along with hooking up, way too much alcohol, and the drama that results from all three. add high pitched squeals, profanities in place of an intelligent vocabulary, excessive usage of the word "like" (this coming from a girl who overuses the word herself) - and no wonder i'm asking, what's my age again?

but today as i worked on my online class at the cafe there was a group of older women instead of the usual college riff raff, since it's summer. and do you know what? i wanted to join in their conversation. i could relate to the conversation of people talking about their grandchildren more than i relate to the strangers my age.

franny was livid about the recent bridal shower she'd been to and the lucrative requests from her granddaughter for expensive gifts. there was an older man at another table and she told him that he's lucky he never has to go to these things. he said he's seen a few on TV and it's nothing he wants to take part in. she said that's exactly right, especially when there are seven bridesmaids who don't stop squealing.

it was hilarious. she also made fun of some woman who had a purse so full of junk that she needed a separate strap on her belt to carry her phone because there was no way she could ever find it in that purse. who needs to carry a purse like that? i don't know franny, but can you please be my grandma? not even my grandma, can you just be my new best friend?

on the radio this morning i heard about a new prescription medical test that reveals your true biological age. that's great, except not really. i can already tell you if you don't exercise and all you eat are bacon burgers, you're prematurely aging. if you don't wear sunscreen and you smoke, you're prematurely aging. etc etc blah blah blah, we're all kidding ourselves if we don't know by now what keeps us healthy.

what i want is a test that shows your true mental age. it would measure things like emotional stability, life experience, opinions, and who knows what all else - to determine your true age.

i exercise and eat okay, so i am not worried about my biological age. i think i took an online test once and i was actually younger than i am. my true mental age however is much more up in the air. for instance, i don't like to go out after work when i get out at 11. for every other hostess it's an off night when they don't go out after work. i barely like to watch a movie with people after work. i'm tired, i want to sleep. that alone would up my age from 23 to 43. and the way i criticize people's overuse of technology? who knows, that could automatically set me at 83. that i still use snail mail? 83 again.

but then there is the number of push-ups i can do, i think that would make me 16? the severity of how ticklish i am - age seven? the way i tend to doggy paddle instead of swimming correctly - age four? the way i love chocolate milk - age five? sticking my head or hand out the car window and also doing that arm pump to get mack trucks to honk - age nine?

so maybe in the end between all the quirks i possess of other ages i would even out to about 23. i should probably copyright or trademark this, or do whatever you do to an awesome idea or invention so one one plagiarizes it. because i've clearly got a very scientific formula going to determine something that everyone cares about. siiike. (saying sike - i don't know if that knocks me down to age 11? or if that adds 20 years because that word is so ancient and no one says it anymore?)