just as quick

Tonight after work and dinner, Dax was sitting in my lap and I was reading Llama Llama Zippity Zoom to him on repeat. I'd finish and he'd flip it back over - his way of telling me to read it again. I could read the same thing to him all night, because I love when he actually sits down and snuggles into me and relaxes. After 12 rounds or so, he is ready to move on to something else - and that's okay too. I love to watch him play and imagine and enjoy his surroundings. I love to watch his eyes light up and his mouth turn into the biggest smile, and his whole body let out the best giggles that I've ever heard.

I've been thinking lately of how much I love when Dax smiles and he is happy, and how that must be what God loves about me too. If I am honest, it's hard for me to believe that God wants me to be happy. Even as I write this my mind thinks of dozens of retorts, like "we weren't created to be happy" and "there's more to life than just happiness" and "Christians are supposed to have joy, not happiness" and on and on.

Maybe I get caught up in semantics, but God just looks right inside of me. He knows what's going on and when I smile, really smile, I think that makes Him smile.

I can't really say that I'm in a good place right now, or that I have been for what feels like a really long time. (Since we moved last summer.) Exhausted, discouraged, lonely, and repeat. I haven't been writing (not even journaling) and that's partially lack of time and energy, and mostly because everything comes out too depressing even for me.

I read an essay about a girl (beautiful, athlete, all the accolades) who semi-recently killed herself during her first year at college. Jumped off a parking garage. It sounded like some of her family was not totally shocked, but overall no one really saw it coming and couldn't understand why. Or is that just a thing people say out of pain and guilt? Like if they say out loud that they didn't suspect anything, that will dissipate the gnawing feeling inside of them that they could have reached out and they didn't?

The article delved into the idea that we all create a face online that we want others to see, and because social media is such a prevalent part of everyone's daily life that created face is what others believe. The article mentioned, in passing, that there's such backlash for negativity online that sometimes we don't share the negative for fear of being viewed as negative or being depressing ... um, yup.

I would say that backlash exists in real life as much as it does online. It's just that we commit more time to internet life than ever before, so it's an easy "new" source to blame. I don't want to be a depressing person bringing everyone down, or come across as ungrateful. I find it extremely difficult to talk about how I'm REALLY doing and what I'm feeling. How to tell someone that yeah I had this really great moment, but also there's this stuff I don't really want to say out loud ever to anyone.

For every happy post there are oh-so-many more that aren't posted because you're not allowed to talk about your marriage, your family, or your in-laws, and you're not supposed to show emotion - just "calm down" and remember that "it could always be worse." But what if that just doesn't work for you? I don't know.

I don't have a good ending or point or answer. I wrote to discipline myself into writing something, and because my mind was racing too much to try to go to sleep. Now it is way past my bedtime. I finished crying, and my kid must have sensed it and decided to pick up where I left off as he is screaming at the top of his lungs in his crib. Have mercy.