a (funny) conversation with my dad

i missed a call from my dad when i was at the gym this weekend, and when i called him back he asked what i was doing.


me: "i was at the gym, i'm driving home now."
dad: "what'd you say? you were at jim's?"
me (increasing my volume to adjust for his apparent hearing and/or listening problem): "No, I WAS AT THE GYM. WORKING OUT. EXERCISING."
dad: "ohhh, i see, yeah i guess you don't get much exercise."
me (maintaining a high volume to adjust for my sudden mood switch): "I DON'T KNOW DAD, I'm pretty sure I get more exercise than you. I try to go to the gym every day."
dad: "i'm in a fitness group."
me (jackpot!!): "oh yeah, what do you guys do?"
dad: ""ohh we ride bikes. stationary bikes. do you know what they are? and they have machines where you can lift the weights, and adjust the amount of weight with a lever."
me (no wonder i struggle to call exercises by their correct names and expound ad nauseum whenever i describe a workout to lance and he cracks up ... as i am right now.): "yeah i know what you mean. that's good."
dad: "i set it to the lowest amount of weight you can so i don't have to work too hard." (laughing)
me: "very sneaky dad."
dad: "yeah, that's how i got through high school."
me: "being sneaky?"
dad: "cheating. i used to cheat sometimes."
me: "in what?"
dad: "math. i flunked out of math one time. i don't know what happened to me, because my dad - pappy, he was a math-e-matical genius. he could figure things out in his head before most people could on paper. i was never any good at math."
me: "yeah me neither."
dad: "sometimes i walk in circles too."
me: "what?"
dad: "oh in that fitness group. they've got treadmills, but i don't like those things ..."
me: "yeah me neither."
dad: "yeah, so sometimes i just walk in circles instead of getting on those things."
me: "you should do pullups. i did 15 pullups today."
dad: "oh i can't even do one pullup anymore. one time i was out here walking around with lance and he did a few pullups ... were you there too?"
me: "YES DAD, I WAS THERE."
dad: "yeah, well he did a few pullups out there and i couldn't even do any. i didn't even try. something's not right with my arm ..."


i guess i'm glad my dad likes lance enough that he just omits ME from the memory entirely? and if you have not met my dad ... let me just say that the fact that he is lazy about lifting weights and "cheating" the machine is ABSURD.

he is a large man with superior strength. this is the man who broke the sledgehammer game at the boardwalk, which he only played because the guy running the game kept yelling out asinine jokes trying to provoke my tall, then muscular dad into playing. little did he know my dad was a mennonite. a repeat teller of the terrible "what's a mennonite dilemma? free beer!" joke. all of that to say, my dad only played because the guy said he could try it free. (and he was probably well past provoked by that point.) but he was so strong it broke the game, and i was so proud that he was my dad.

my dad is the best and the worst dad all at once. for as long as i can remember, i have listened to him say, "i'm manic-depressive. bipolar. do you know what that is?" it wasn't like he always waited for my answer, it was more of an opening for him to launch into any number of stories from his life.

my dad makes me sick, and my dad makes me feel like a million bucks. as much as i wish my dad was different, he can still make my day without even trying. he always makes me laugh, and few things make me happier than listening to my dad tell stories. even though he is crazy, he is still BY FAR one of the coolest people i have ever known. i honestly don't know how he does it.

and sometimes when i'm feeling particularly depressed, it crosses my mind that i am one of my dad's favorite people and it makes me feel a little bit better.