35 weeks

tomorrow marks 35 weeks. i'm starting to wonder if i'm having twins. i feel huge. this week i have started to feel uncomfortable a lot. it's becoming difficult to sleep, and i have pain that comes and goes through the days and nights.

people have said, "enjoy your sleep now!" quite a lot to me during my pregnancy. i've always enjoyed my sleep, and i'm trying to take their advice now and not take it for granted. but frankly, the time to tell people to enjoy their sleep is before they are pregnant. it's tricky to get comfortable and to change positions. i consistently wake up every few hours to pee. and i realize all of this is still easier than waking up to take care of a baby … but it's still uh, not the best sleep of your life.

thus far, i have been very pleasantly surprised by the LACK of crazy comments and random belly rubs from strangers. people have only said kind things, and only one stranger asked to touch my stomach. it was a teacher at school, so i didn't even mind. she told me to pack my hospital bags, because i would be going into labor any day … and that was at the beginning of december, so that has probably been the only semi-crazy comment from a stranger.

comments from students at school have been the best. "is there a baby in there?" "how'd it get in there?" "how will he get out?" "i hope your baby behaves!" "why would you want a baby?" when they ask the name and i say it's a surprise, their faces light up. they almost always suggest i name the baby after their sibling. nonchalantly like, "i have a baby brother named ian, so i guess you could name your baby that …" i love watching how their minds work.

as much as i know how blessed i am to be pregnant, and that bringing a new life into this world is a MIRACLE, and any changes to your physical body are more than worth it … it still sucks feeling/being fat. i miss feeling cute. yesterday i saw myself in a mirror while i was eating and just felt disgusted. so clearly i have not embraced the beauty of pregnancy the way many women seem to.

i've been thinking about women who say they love being pregnant ... and i officially do not understand, relate to, or agree. do they forget everything? or do they genuinely love it?

the up side of not feeling cute is saving money, because i'm sure as heck not shopping for myself. i only bought a few maternity clothes, and it's kind of nice having less to choose from when you're getting dressed. it helped that my stepsister had a ton of maternity clothes that she let me sort through, so i got some new treasures to add to my maternity mix when i was in pennsylvania in december.

if i end up missing anything about being pregnant, i think it will be feeling our baby move inside of me, and having him so close and safe. and the ease of getting around without a baby in tow. pregnancy has been wonderful for my hair, and i feel like it's been one good hair day after another - love that. special treatment from strangers is nice too. people are super friendly, and quick to get out of your way - which i like.

i miss working out, so i'm excited for my fitness plans for after baby arrives. (and to sleep on my stomach again - i think i miss that the most.) i still exercise, but it's not the same. i'm holding my exercise ideas with an open hand because who knows what i will feel like, or how long until i kick back into gear.

there is so much mystery with your first pregnancy. probably with every pregnancy. it's a process and miracle as old as time, but still new every time. i like that. i have so many questions and curiosities. when will he come? what will giving birth be like? what will he look like? how big will he be? what will he be like?

so many friends have said the first month (or several) of having a newborn have been some of the hardest ones of their marriage, and that scares me because i already think marriage is hard work. i think SIDS and postpartum depression are my biggest fears, and it makes me sad that i will be so far away from my family. what if there's no one to babysit and i start to go completely crazy being with a baby all the time?

i don't know, but i will stop worrying. like my last post said: worrying is like praying for what you don't want. life is hard, but there is so much joy. i am confident that our baby will bring joy unlike any i have known or experienced so far - and my life has already been full of so much joy.

having the basics of what we need for the baby makes me giddy with excitement too. i did a lot of research about baby gear because 1) i am a nerd and love to research, and 2) i am a minimalist and hate clutter, excess, and hoarding. i like to keep life simple and organized. i'm so happy with the gifts we got and what i found at yard sales and consignment shops. now i just have to resist the temptation to buy cute outfits and shoes, when what we'll really need are practical items like diapers and wipes. ;)

i keep saying this to all of my pregnant and mom friends, but i'll say it again: i love this season of life. it seems like suddenly i have tons of friends who are pregnant or having babies. i even squealed when i was walking at the park one day and another girl walked by and said to me, "i'm pregnant too!" she wasn't showing at all, but she was overjoyed and i was thrilled for her.

it's an unmatched feeling of anticipation and excitement … and still feels surreal that in five weeks (give or take) our baby boy will be here.