graduation

as i said in my last post, graduation was a surprising ton of fun. if only my dad or colby had been there for some photos, my hulking presence would be less confusing to people who see my mom and wonder which samoan island i was adopted from. just kidding, plenty of people think we look alike so there is never confusion. i just like being little next to dad and colby.

missed lance very much, but president mcnairy gave special recognition to everyone serving overseas who couldn't be with us, and i almost cried. almost, because i held it together in light of the constant camera flashing. and yes, i did find some very humorous pictures of myself on facebook later - i look lost in every single one because i was searching for my fam the whole time. but i have a silly 'i know there are cameras everywhere' smile pasted on my face, so they still work for me - if someone didn't know me they could easily believe i was born in hollywood, not holtwood.

a verse i'm loving - another reminder to me of the power of words.

“Submit to God and be at peace with him; in this way prosperity will come to you. Accept instruction from his mouth and lay up his words in your heart. If you return to the Almighty, you will be restored: If you remove wickedness far from your tent and assign your nuggets to the dust, your gold of Ophir to the rocks in the ravines, then the Almighty will be your gold, the choicest silver for you. Surely then you will find delight in the Almighty and will lift up your face to God. You will pray to him, and he will hear you, and you will fulfill your vows. What you decide on will be done, and light will shine on your ways. When people are brought low and you say, ‘Lift them up!’ then he will save the downcast. He will deliver even one who is not innocent, who will be delivered through the cleanness of your hands.” [Job 22:21-30]

college = done

i graduated from college this weekend! it feels amazing and it's still sinking in. sinking in a very good way, not a quicksand way.

college graduation was so much fun, way better than high school. but my whole life is better than high school, so that may not be saying much. to quote mindy kaling's hysterical book: "is everyone hanging out without me?" ...

“Teenage girls, please don’t worry about being super popular in high school, or being the best actress in high school, or the best athlete. Not only do people not care about any of that the second you graduate, but when you get older, if you reference your successes in high school too much, it actually makes you look kind of pitiful, like some babbling old Tennessee Williams character with nothing else going on in her current life. What I’ve noticed is that almost no one who was a big star in high school is also big star later in life. For us overlooked kids, it’s so wonderfully fair.” [Mindy Kaling]

sooo wonderfully fair. a shout-out to anyone wondering why high school or even college (or maybe any number of hyped up things?) isn't all that it's cracked up to be: don't sweat it. don't let life be what people tell you it is. life can be whatever you decide to make it each day.

people will tell you something is impossible and you'll achieve it. they'll tell you something is easy and you might fail miserably. that's okay. life isn't about what people tell you, and it's not about what anyone else thinks.

what i'm saying is take everything with a grain of figurative salt. or literal salt if you're a potato chips kind of person, but i'm more of a dark chocolate kind of girl.

be the friend who loves, not the one who judges. that's a big something i'm still learning. someone told me (okay so it was eric johnson in an ibethel podcast and i've never met him but i'll keep pretending it was a message just for me) not to worry about measuring myself day by day, or by the week or the month. THANK YOU.

i can easily get myself into a panic around "church people." i don't know why i put that in quotes and make them sound like creatures of the swamp. i put this pressure on myself to have answers, or some kind of progress report to give, but why? why the constant church anxiety? i have to remind myself to relax, and not get uptight or down on myself.

while week to week i may have doubted myself or been disappointed in the mistakes i made, now that college is over i can see that i have grown A LOT. i have changed and learned A LOT. for instance, i went from someone who thought she had it all decently together and didn't make major mistakes, to someone who made major mistakes and realized she didn't have it all together but that's okay. no one does - and don't let them trick you into thinking they do.

i will miss college. i love learning and being in classrooms listening to people's opinions even if i think what they're saying is completely idiotic. i love listening to professors who are passionate about what they're teaching. or passionate about the rabbit trails they go down, giving you a glimpse of where they'd rather be or what they'd really like to be teaching instead. i loved meeting so many different people, hearing their stories, seeing how they balanced everything to achieve their dreams or get to their next place in life.

i will miss watching the turnover in people's relationships. that sounds terrible and i guess it is, but it's fun to see who people date. and to watch relationships start and progress and sometimes end.

i will miss the gym - especially classes like boot camp. i will miss the pond with the fountain and swans and ducks and squirrels, and the moms with strollers. which sounds creepy, but it's just that seeing cute kids when you're studying something stupid is so wonderful because you remember that this isn't all there is to life. what you're studying is usually nothing more than what you're studying, so breathe easy.

i will miss listening to people complain about school. watching someone ELSE have a meltdown can be quite entertaining. watching my OWN would be mortifying, but definitely fodder for an entertaining movie montage for you.

i will miss the sidewalk chalk notes written all over campus. besides stall talk - the posters hung in bathroom stalls with trivia - i think sidewalk chalk notes are the best way to advertise.

as much as i hated working in the snapper office every tuesday until the wee hours of the morning, i will miss it so much. i will miss interviewing people for fun articles and having a guaranteed byline (or three) every week. i will miss wandering around campus asking people my random weekly question, then taking their picture and listening to the same "oh i look terrible right now" from the girls and laughing at the poses so many of the guys came up with.

working together on something that seems so important, for absolutely zero money or reward other than the satisfaction of a job well done, really pulls people together. i loved the crew of people i got to work with and treasured my college newspaper way more than necessary.

i will probably not soon forget the night i overheard a girl relentlessly bashing the snapper and attacking a typo i had made in a headline. (prrsa instead of prssa ... it was 2am! and my editor missed it too! sigh.) i was devastated to the point of tears (i hate you pms, i really do) and thought maybe journalism is not the route for me. they say you need thick skin. i may have a thick skull and abnormally large head, but thick skin? not so much. it's funny how in the midst of rave reviews of my writing from my professors and nearly everyone i interviewed, what stuck out was one girl's rant. about a typo.

it's even funnier that while we were putting that edition of the paper together i had defended that very girl's face when people were calling it u-g-l-y. but listening to her that night my perception of her went from beautiful blonde to ... something else. beauty is fleeting. words hurt. and i need to be aware of my own words, because besides alligators, does anyone really have thick skin? but even if we don't have thick skin, we're resilient. and we can choose to make life whatever we want it to be each and every day.

a bunch of randomness ... and lance

do you ever have something you need to do, but because you don't want to do it, you keep putting it off? and in it's place you find a hundred other things, less urgent, to do instead?

i need to write a paper but i'm feeling uninspired. my last semester of college has been exhausting, to say the least, and even though i know i will miss it and it's been an amazing season, i'm ready for it to end. i have seven major papers (10+ pages apiece) and several other minor ones to write before graduation in three weeks.

you'd think i wouldn't want to write on my blog too because i'm on writing overload, but i'm hoping some random word vomit will get me into gear. most of the time i am too tired to write on my blog too - hence the lack of posts, so i apologize.

and now for the word vomit ...

• i was afraid that my almost nonstop gym clothes wearing phase (aka the last two years of college) would yield negative results, but it has turned out to be just the opposite. people say if you wear sweats all the time you will gain weight and not notice. nope. i've been whipping out the old business clothes from my banana republic style phase for job interviews and such ... and they're too big! love that.



• i'm still learning the power of words. a major theme in my life. sometimes i want to be a motivational speaker. sometimes i mess up MAJORLY and realize without a doubt my words have an effect. it's easier for me to notice the negative effect they have than the positive. i really need to be careful. while i feel like i do exhort people, the nasty side of that is when i get angry i say awful stuff. this post at the sanctified pearl blog spoke right to me.
  



• why why WHY do people in lancaster drive so slow? this is a great time to practice holding my tongue. thanks for the setup God, very funny. ;-)



• another thing i'm learning is to guard myself. i'm not sure if this is good or not, it's something i'm processing and trying to "find the balance in." i feel like in the past i was too quick to pour out my soul to just about anyone who would listen. and get carried away. this goes along with the power of words thing.
  



• politics, schmolitics. i am so over all the legalities and formalities everyone dances around. i am so disgusted by the systems set up to supposedly protect and serve the people. reformation is needed, along with deep conviction and a willingness to stand up for truth every single day! here's an article from the nytimes that made me think - especially the challenge he poses at the end: let's ask ourselves "how to overcome our natural tendency to evade and self-deceive."



• whenever justin bieber and selena gomez show up on my computer i feel OLD. i am about to turn 24, i'm way too young to feel old.



• handwritten thank-you notes are NOT out of style and should not be ignored. etiquette is timeless. a huge thank-you to brides who actually still write thank-you's because it means something and it's worth your time no matter how annoying or silly it might seem.



• parenthood is my new favorite TV show, even though i've only had the chance to watch it once all season. i've realized that family is my passion. i love my family, and i can't wait to have a family ("can't wait" is a terrible phrase i overuse by the way - i can definitely wait, i will not go get knocked up after i type this blog, all i mean is that i am extremely excited for that time of life), but i also love hearing about other people's families and observing how they've been shaped by their families.



• i was highly disappointed to learn that plato thought families should be dispersed and everyone should live in community, with women mothering everyone - instead of children in specific family units with parents in monogomous relationships. maybe 'disgusted' is more fitting than 'disappointed,' especially because he thought once women became mothers they became inferior rather than equal to men. i was thisclose to raising my hand and expounding about the nobility of motherhood, the inestimable importance of family, and the fact that a woman can be very intelligent and still "just" want to be a mom. insert a mental snapshot into your mind of a livid chelsea, because that discussion put me on edge.
  



• an obnoxious plea as christmas approaches: don't buy too much junk! that cleverly packaged whatever-it-is might look great in the store, but do you/they really need it? working at thrift store is fun, but also eye opening to how much junk people have. you might want to stop reading because here comes the grinch: all those $5 gift exchanges you coerce others into (or are coerced into) ... just think about it. in terms of practicality and how money adds up and the big picture and who that money could be helping.



• along with that: don't donate mattresses, used peanut butter jars, broken appliances, dirty socks (dirty anything really) or jean jumpers to thrift stores. jean jumpers never stop coming in and i don't understand how people still have them. there are certain things that just need to be taken out of the cycle. throw it out. and if you're wearing a jean jumper while you're reading this, i don't know what to say.
  

and here's my boyfriend and me after a 5k we ran for fun. that was obvious when i tapped someone next to me at the start of the race to ask, "this is just three miles right?" that made those serious gameface runners laugh. people take things so seriously, i don't get it.

lance is home for two blissful weeks before he is deployed to afghanistan again. pray for him and everyone else in the military whenever it crosses your mind. he is a man who goes above and beyond in everything he does. the level of discipline in his life seriously inspires me and motivates me to work harder and reach my highest potential. one of his things is taking care of people - he will do anything for anyone, he is so incredibly generous with everything. i have a lot to learn from him. and best of all he makes me laugh all the time - even when he's not around, i start laughing just remembering something he did or said. love that.

i don't want to sound too much like a hallmark card, but i think it's already too late. oh! and he writes me the greatest cards and letters ever. he's an awesome writer and all-in-all amazing communicator - great at drawing stuff out of me, and handling me at my worst. handling me all the time for that matter - best, worst, crazy, quiet, "normal," whatever. my mom made the comment that i "wear it on my sleeve" that i love him so much ... i think that's a good thing? ;-)

miss you pappy shank

ten years since pappy shank died. i realized it during the 10th anniversary of september 11th. when those attacks happened pappy said they were coming after the shanks. he wasn't a conspiracy theorist, that was just his sense of humor, since one of the planes went down in shanksville.

i can't believe he’s been gone ten years. but then i may have a tendency to dramatize things. a few days after pappy died my brother and i were driving somewhere and i wasn't crying, but certainly talking colby’s ear off as i verbally processed everything and i said, "it's just so sad, he was so young!" brother bear hadn’t been saying much up to that point, but then he blurted out, "chelsea he was 75! what are you talking about!" we started laughing because colby was right. pappy wasn’t that young, and he wasn’t a picture of health, but it was still devastating.

growing up i had a strange preoccupation with death. i was obsessed with keeping diaries and journals, but what made those so strange was that i wrote out my will in the back of each one. full of essential details like "give my american girl magazines to melissa" and "bury me by the tulips."

i was in eighth grade when pappy died, so perhaps the combination of my age and personality intensified the way that the death of a loved one can affect anyone. i guess feeling so close to pappy is why it really impacted me. i felt like i was just starting to get to know him and then he was gone. when he died and everyone finally talked about him and the memories they had i felt even more jipped. there was a whole side of pappy that i never knew, an entire life i had no idea about.

hearing everyone talk about him confused me, and made me want to make sure that i always always told people how much they meant to me. i felt like pappy would have had no idea that so many people would say so many incredible things about him after he died. so why didn't they say it when he was alive? and maybe they did. i was little, i wasn't always around him.

when my brother and i spent weekends with our dad we usually hung out at grandma and pappy's for awhile. colby controlled the tv and playing boggle with grandma shank is only entertaining for so long, so eventually i decided to be brave and start hanging out with pappy.

i was so curious. it seemed like everyone was afraid of him. he was this giant that you didn't want to mess with or upset. i felt a sense of fear and awe. he scowled a lot. at family get-togethers he wasn't the patriarchal norman rockwell grandfather saying the prayer or welcoming everyone, he was off napping or pretending to be.

pappy had a beautiful face. i should say handsome, but when i think of his face i picture him laughing. and he had a fantastic laugh. a big deep drawn out belly laugh, and sometimes it sounded like he was choking, i could never be sure. maybe he was. he smoked his whole life and while his own dad and grandpa never smoked, he said that they died young anyway and missed out on all that pleasure.

it’s easy for me to remember him smiling, or laughing at me. and saying "ohhh" in a scowling but shy way. sometimes he'd scowl like that when he didn't want to answer whatever question i'd just asked him, but not because he was angry. i think he just didn't want to be open. i think he had a very sensitive heart and felt like he had to hide that, so he did.

i spent hours in the basement with him putting jigsaw puzzles together. when we finished puzzles i would be really excited (of course) and he would laugh at me. then he’d say let’s tear it apart and i’d protest. i knew he was secretly thrilled too and i had to be enthusiastic enough for both of us.

when grandma sang or yelled down the steps that supper was ready he'd act like he didn't hear her half the time. i'd scamper upstairs and say he was coming. sometimes grandma would get tired of waiting and we'd say silent grace and start to eat before he came shuffling in. he'd scowl if there was pizza on the table because he hated pizza, but grandma, the most amazing wife, always had a separate meal of meat, potatoes and vegetables prepared for him.

one time grandma and my dad both seemed concerned about pappy. something about a surgery the doctors thought he should have, but he didn't want to. i didn't want him to die so i set out making him a list of 101 reasons to get the heart valve the doctors were telling him to.

that list wasn't as easy to write as you might think. for most people there would be scads of things to include. for instance, i could name 101 foods alone that would be worth staying alive for, and pizza would definitely be one of them. for pappy, it was harder to figure out what would truly motivate him to stay alive.

the list was silly. i wrote down every family member he had, so that took up half the slots and then i got creative with things like "the clock needs fixed,” “hauling the amish,” or "who will we ask to ride the five-wheeler?"

i forget if i gave him the list face-to-face or was a scaredy cat and left it lying on the counter for him to read later, but he loved it.

he got the heart valve. and i hated calling him in the hospital (but a genuine thanks for making me, mom.) and visiting him in the hospital (and a not so genuine thanks for making me go in the room first "in case he's dead" dad!). next pappy needed to get open heart surgery, and he died a few days later. or something like that, i'm not good with logical details.

it took all ten of his husky (classic grandma shank word) grandsons to carry his casket. i don't know if they shuffled so slow out of reverence or trying not to trip, or because it was just that heavy. pappy's beloved amish friends didn't speak at the funeral, but they gathered at the cemetery and shoveled his grave full of dirt, telling stories about him while they worked. they loved benny shank.

someone stuck a liter of pepsi in the ground with him. he loved his pepsi. i don’t like soda, but the other day i talked my way into a sales position with pepsi. i have no interest in this AT ALL and after i left the job fair where i met the pepsi rep i was laughing at myself trying to figure out how that even happened. maybe it was just to give pappy a good laugh, or maybe he set it up so i’d remember him yet again – but i could never forget him.

i hope pappy shank knew how much i loved him. i wish he was still around. he'd be really proud of colby - my brother reminds me so much of pappy. i tell myself he'd be proud of me too. he wouldn't be surprised i'm pursuing journalism - i fired questions away at him like a pistol. maybe he'd come to my college graduation in a van and drive home super slow with a long line of traffic behind him while he smoked and nearly fell asleep.

i wonder what he'd have to say to me now. i imagine him meeting my boyfriend and saying something pithy. then he’d laugh with with his whole body shaking and eyes disappearing, leathered skin scrunched into a big smile. his smile drew people in. he was a magnet, and - my favorite comment from someone at his funeral – “an icon in the community.”

ephraim benjamin shank
may 18, 1926 - nov. 8, 2001

steve jobs 1955-2011

“When I was 17, I read a quote that went something like: “If you live each day as if it was your last, someday you’ll most certainly be right.” It made an impression on me, and since then, for the past 33 years, I have looked in the mirror every morning and asked myself: “If today were the last day of my life, would I want to do what I am about to do today?” And whenever the answer has been “No” for too many days in a row, I know I need to change something.

“Remembering that I’ll be dead soon is the most important tool I’ve ever encountered to help me make the big choices in life. Because almost everything — all external expectations, all pride, all fear of embarrassment or failure — these things just fall away in the face of death, leaving only what is truly important. Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked. There is no reason not to follow your heart.”

" ...Your time is limited, so don’t waste it living someone else’s life." [steve jobs, in his Stanford commencement speech in 2005]

i may not agree with his worldview, but steve jobs was quite the inspiring innovator. i admire his ability to work hard, to eloquently explain things from his genius mind in a simple way that anyone could understand. i like how he seemed to keep his family life private. i like that he never stopped pushing himself and always kept moving forward, producing excellent quality work time and time again.

as much as he obviously cared about his work, you could tell that wasn't his whole life. he really seemed to have his priorities right. he skipped a business meeting to take his wife on their first date. i like that.

"I was in the parking lot with the key in the car, and I thought to myself, 'If this is my last night on earth, would I rather spend it at a business meeting or with this woman?' I ran across the parking lot, asked her if she'd have dinner with me. She said yes, we walked into town and we've been together ever since."

what i'd say

"Contrary to what the cynics say, distance is not for the fearful, it is for the bold. It's for those who are willing to spend a lot of time alone in exchange for a little time with the one they love. It's for those knowing a good thing when they see it, even if they don't see it nearly enough."

long distance isn't easy. i am independent, adventurous, love my alone time, and have a full life with things i look forward to each and every day - but being in a long distance relationship is still not easy. maybe this is a "duh" statement, but aren't there a lot of those in life?

when someone asks, "how's lance?" it makes my day. just hearing that someone else remembers that my boyfriend is deployed and cares enough to ask me about it makes me feel loved. for that quick conversation i feel less alone.

i am so impressed by all of the people who live with deployments for a lifetime - the soldiers who serve them, and their spouses, parents, and children. what a community. and so full of stories to be told. i am all about stories - another "duh" statement, huh?

if i could tell them all something ... i'd tell them they're not alone. that we've got their back. i'd remind them of the community of people around them and the country around all of that.

i'd especially remind the soldiers of that, and i pray that the voice of love and support from our nation would drown out anything else. but that is my prayer for all people - that you would know you are loved for who you are, and you belong.

i'd say that this country is still worth fighting for, even when it seems like the people on TV and all around don't seem to think so. i'd remind them that the united states of america is still the best country in the world to live in (in my opinion) and that i'm so thankful they/their family member thinks so too.

i am thankful that my studly boyfriend thinks so too. i'm proud of him.

this is a sweet song - i like to pretend he's singing it to me. don't act like you don't do that with your favorite songs too. ;-)

conestoga trail run

colby asked a month ago if i wanted to do this race with him and i was hesitant, but said yes because i figured if he was doing it - and he doesn't even like to run - then i should be okay. the conestoga trail run can really not be described, only experienced. it is ten EXTREME miles from the pequea campground to the holtwood park.

colby's friend said his time on this race is usually double what it would be for running ten miles on the road. a lot of the time running is nearly impossible as you climb up muddy rocky hills on all fours, or try to navigate the trails without injury. colby and i both agreed that the series of hills leading to the pinnacle overlook was the most difficult. it is a very steep incline that goes on for miles.

we both passed people in the section through tucquan glen. little mountain goats that we have become from navigating those slippery rocks with our family so many times. i kept thinking of things my dad would tell us while hiking about survival that i always laughed at, but it's funny how helpful they were. just simple things that i noticed other people not doing. okay, so colby and i were probably the only ones laying down to drink out of the creeks/springs we passed. clearly we were raised more to live off the land then buy camelbaks and everything else people think they need to survive. i don't mean to sound judgmental though, because if i run it again i might buy a camelbak, i got soo thirsty. also hungry. i focused on steak for a mile i bet.

i so wish there were videos of each of us on this trail run, along with captions of our thoughts. i like to keep myself entertained while running, which means not running the normal way all the time. if you've ever seen the episode of friends where phoebe runs through central park like a goon - that's me. not always, just when i need to mix it up. pretended i was a horse for awhile. prayed in tongues for awhile when i didn't think i was gonna make it up that damn forever hill - you seriously go uphill and then go uphill again, the only downhill is a brief portion after the pinnacle before you get to kelly's run then it's all uphill again.

i think i got a lot of good prayer coverage in. i was claiming the land and it felt good! it's amazing how much people chat on the trail, and three people i was with at one point were talking about the marathons they've done and since i didn't have anything to contribute to that i just said, "i really hope we see some deer!" "did you say you ran this last year?" "no, no i said i hope we see some deer!" "oh ..." she didn't know what to say but it didn't matter because i passed her. ;-)
there were water breaks at miles two and four, and again at the pinnacle, the seventh mile mark.

oh the sweat!

off again! "only three more miles!" they said. encouraging at first, except the reality was they were the rockiest and hardest to know if you were on the right trail. kelly's run is super confusing and i've been lost there while hiking so i was really nervous about staying on the right trail. someone ahead of me sprained their ankle and several people got way off trail and had to scale their way back through brush.

my amazing brother.

finally making my way to the finish, woop!

i got confused at the end, wasn't sure where exactly the finish line was haha.

colby and cindy, post-race. our sweet mom also came to cheer us on.

he will probably not appreciate me posting these pictures of him, but i think they're great! i mean what a renaissance man. he can strength train like a beast AND run a crazy ten mile trail run!? i also love that some lady told him "thanks for taking your shirt off, that really kept me going for awhile!" oh my brother.

ashley & joe's wedding

me with all of the "little people" - his niece & three nephews & the two kids she nannies.

the beautiful bride!

ashley with tim & kim, her sweet sweet parents!

maid of honor and bride, such a joy celebrating the day i've listened to her dream about even before she met her amazing groom!

the crazy maid of honor MIGHT have instigated this little push-up fiasco before the ceremony.

with ashley's lovely friend justine, in between posing for pictures.

i hit it off with taylor, the seven-year-old flower girl (my real age, at heart) and she put me up to this. ashley is her nanny and she is the sweetest thing ever! she made my day twice - first when she looked up at me during the ceremony and winked at me, and again at the reception when she started giving me a back rub out of the blue! so dear.

joe & ashley with all their little people - hopefully foreshadowing the number of cute kids this beautiful couple will have, tehe.

bridal party photo by five-year-old brandon, who took a liking to my camera. i had soo many hilarious pictures to look at later, i totally recommend letting kids use your camera.

brandon with ashley, so adorable.

ash with her man, his brothers, and her brother on the far right.

joe said that he was going to be a gentleman and wait to smash it, because he knew she would go for it. and she did. but then he got her, love it.

it was a wonderful wedding and i'm so excited to see where these two go in life - they are such a power couple, so in love with the Lord and each other and just pursuing His heart. they are such an encouragement to me! i told ash i hope i'm like her on my wedding day, meaning CALM. she was cool as a cucumber, not stressed about anything, and seemed to just savor and enjoy every moment.

it was so special to spend the weekend with her. ashley's amazing dad brought us starbucks while we got our hair done before the wedding and we chatted away - a pretty perfect morning. her stylist told her to keep her eyes on joe while she walked down the aisle and just take it in and remember that forever.

i l-o-v-e watching brides walk down the aisle, and seeing their groom's face - joe's was so sweet, gentle, loving. he and his brothers had tears in their eyes and then i did too. i'm so sentimental, but it's great, i wouldn't want it any other way!

please feel free to bawl your eyes out at my wedding - and then laugh til you cry again, dance your heart out and take too many pictures. cause it's gonna be a party ... that is, if i don't elope. that's the title of my wedding folder on pinterest - "if i don't elope." HA, but it is so chock full of ideas that it seems like a shame not to use them. i'll just keep everyone guessing until that day comes. ;-)

my minnesota besty

i should be packing for minnesota. i fly out tomorrow to spend the weekend celebrating the wedding of my dear friend ashley.

we met in 2008. i can't believe it was that long ago that we were both in maui doing the ywam school of biblical foundations & missions - one of the best seasons of my life, wowza! ash and i clicked and were pretty much inseparable during our time there. don't let "inseparable" fool you, i don't mean we were always together, cause part of what made our friendship great is that we're both independent girls with an introverted streak.

neither one of us had ever dated or kissed anyone at that point in life - a rarity for two twenty-year-olds. it surprised everyone else, but when we talked about it together we totally bonded over this fact, quickly realizing that we had each just made a new friend who 1) loved the Lord above all else and 2) had no desire to conform to society or live a "normal" life and 3) wanted the best, in our future husbands and in everything else in life.

when we talk we get fired up and gain momentum from each other. ashley's friendship has truly been a gift from God because even once we left maui and stayed in touch via phone, our conversations continued to spur me on in my relationship with God. to have a friend who takes her walk with the Lord seriously and whose passion only fuels me to go deeper and deeper is INCREDIBLE. if only we lived in the same neighborhood!

i love this girl's passion, her hearty amens and hallelujahs. i love the way we talk about the things of the Lord. i love it when she prays for me. i love her sass and her spunk and how much she has taught me about myself. those are the best of friends - the ones who teach you things you didn't even realize about yourself. i just find something special in that. ashley builds me up. i wish i had more friends like her!

one of the comical things she showed me is that i am intimidating. when she told me that she was intimidated by me at first but really really wanted to be friends with me, i couldn't believe it! how could i possible be intimidating to one of the most beautiful and confident girls i've ever met?! (i still don't get it.)

we had so many crazy awesome adventures together in maui (and in pa, nj & nyc when she came to visit me!) that i am having trouble narrowing down which stories to tell at her wedding. i am incredibly honored to be ashley's maid-of-honor. i was tearing up today thinking about her wedding and expect plenty more tears this weekend.

she waited and prayed for her man, believing God had the best and He did! i am so proud of her, so i can only imagine how her parents must feel. that's one reasons weddings give me such happy sappy tears - thinking about the families who watched these two people grow up and mature and prayed for their spouses and now they get to watch their lives come together forever. ohmygoodness, God you are so so good!

what would you say

"why do we need to believe in God when we have mozart?"

hmm. i feel like i grew up in a subculture where this statement wouldn't carry a whole lot of weight because belief in God is highly valued and appreciation of mozart doesn't rank quite as high. when my philosophy professor mentioned the quote i knew it would stick with me. i so look up to people who are passionate about something.

someone who finds beauty in mozart to sustain their soul enough to be satisfied without God would most definitely intrigue me. what would my response be if they asked me why they should believe in God when they could believe in great art, in the depth of beauty and talent in something like mozart's music?

you might be entertaining the notion that the person is asking a stupid question, but they aren't. even if i weren't from the school of "there are no stupid questions" i would stand firm in saying that question is not stupid. we crave attachment and if not found in religion, it can be found in just about anything from great art to politics to the NFL. while modern science continues to fragment our world, art reconnects us. so does religion - and we have seen a resurgence of fundamentalist religions since the 1970's.

what would you say to that question? perhaps you agree with it?

there are a bajillion cliches i could rattle off as a response. surely using made-up words like bajillion would add limitless credibility to whatever i said. HA. i am smart but i have a lot of trouble believing it. i am easily intimidated by intellectual people. there are a lot of logical responses i could give to a person questioning whether or not they should believe in God, but my lack of confidence in my ability to deliver those explanations often stops me from trying.

i don't want to stay this way, i want to be bold. i know that God gives us tools (like an education, information, sound mind, wisdom, etc) to use for a purpose, and i have a lot to offer and i let it go to waste a lot.

two weeks ago at church someone said that one of the biggest injustices we can commit is to know the TRUTH and not share it. gulp. guilty. two days later in my philosophy seminar my professor similarly declared that there is no point in seeing truth if you do not share the truth with others. God is the ultimate jokester with the best sense of humor ever (obviously, He's the originator) because of course He would speak powerfully to me through someone who denies His existence.

i am challenged to get over myself and my measly fears. because what seems like common sense to me is not to other people. the relationship i have with God that i take for granted, is not something that everyone else has.

so what would i say?

SO. MANY. THINGS. i tried writing it all out and realized i would have to hear where they are coming from first. no matter what their specifics were i have a feeling i would have to talk about growing up with so many questions and wrestling through my faith.

i would encourage them to be as skeptical as possible if they so desired, because if they honestly seek it they will eventually find Truth. and yes, there is only one Truth! not a different truth for everyone.

i think people fear skepticism because they aren't sure of what they believe. they don't encourage questions because they're afraid when someone heads down a road of skepticism they won't come back. the person who is afraid to go down that road with them is terrified of what they might find. what if there is no meaning? there is. because if there were no meaning we wouldn't have the capacity to question whether or not there was. what if their current religion or belief system turns out to be wrong? they'd rather stay on a superficial "safe" level. maybe that's why so many religious groups turn into cults, or foster closed off communities that do not encourage life outside of the group, or thoughts beyond "groupthink."

i can confidently encourage you to ask all your questions, do all your soul searching and studying and whatever else. i'm not afraid of what you're going to find, and if i know you're searching than i will be praying for you. and i will be praying that you find Truth sooner than later because it breaks my heart to think of it only being revealed to you after you die. the sooner the better - because it's not even just about eternal consequences - if you come to know Truth on earth you will live an abundant life and have a best friend like no other. God has been the best friend to me, i love Him so much, He's so good.

if a jaded tone is here, it's because i'm aiming a lot of my thoughts at philosophers with a certain hostility toward Christianity. i don't argue with them, i hate arguing. maybe i need to, all the while praying for open ears because they always seem so sealed off, but i know God can open ears and soften hearts.

i also have a pet peeve with arguing because there are a lot of annoying Christian arguments and/or Christians who argue annoyingly. maybe it's one of those things like singing, where it can sound terrible to the person next to you but it's still beautiful to God because it's praise or genuine or whatever. i should give them the benefit of the doubt and say their arguments are being presented out of love for the other person.

i don't remember Jesus arguing with people. i read about Him asking people lots of questions. of course He did. He wasn't one bit afraid of the answers. He knew that even if people wanted to pretend to themselves they couldn't lie to His Father. He knew that He was the way, the truth and the life. Jesus didn't get defensive, He just lived and loved and boldly declared truth.

tell me

tell me if this is creepy.

you're working out at the gym, a guy you don't know but have seen there before waves at you. then he comes over and says he hasn't seen you in awhile and wants to know how you are and what's new. you've never actually had a conversation with him. you give short answers hoping he lets you get back to working out. after what feels like an eternity of him talking (about who knows what because you've zoned out) he finally leaves.

on your first day of class for the new semester you arrive in the knick of time but of course everyone else arrived early so it looks like no seats are left as you scan the room.

but then you see that guy from the gym waving at you. and pointing to the only empty seat next to him. noooo. except yes, yes of course this is happening because it is your life and there is never a dull moment.

so you make it through class and then he starts offering you protein shakes. all you can think is, what is this, a new date rape drug? women have become too aware of date rape and now guys have moved onto gym rape instead? you tell him no thanks. repeatedly.

you see him again in another class when he walks in calling you chels. i mean, calling you whatever beloved nickname is generally reserved for people you actually know. when you see him in a THIRD class and he yells "chels!" the disbelief spills off your lips as you say in an irritated tone, "dude what is your major??" and he laughs and it turns out he has the same major AND minor as you.

and now every time you're at the gym - the school or local gym, because of course he goes to both - he finds you. but now he takes the protein shake offers to another level and tells you that he has a PILL that he wants you to try. what the?? you say NO.

it's only the second week of school and you're already sooo sick of him asking you to take things. you could have sworn the d.a.r.e. program was in sixth grade for a reason, because middle and high school were the prime time for peer pressure to do drugs. but as usual you are behind in the normal train of life and the time frame for when things normally happen to people. you never had a problem saying no and you still don't, but being thoroughly annoyed is another story.

one for the books

yesterday my time and conversation with my dad was one for the books. there have been plenty of those. if it seems like i write about my dad a lot, there are probably a lot of reasons, but one of them is that i just want to remember everything he says.

we talked about sex for awhile. i decided that everyone should experience a sex talk with my dad because oh my goodness, it will make you laugh. actually no way should everyone experience that, probably very few could handle it, but i'm glad i can talk about anything with my dad. i feel like most people my age (any age?) would never ever even consider talking about sex with their parents.

one of the internet-appropriate things (HA.) he said was that sex really isn't everything. someone once told him it is the icing on the cake. i said what did he mean by that and my dad said he never explained it. i told him i think it means you need a good cake, otherwise the icing won't be any good and eating it will only make you sick. that you could be out having sex with all sorts of people but it won't be good unless you're married and committed to that one person. and my dad said, "i think you hit the nail on the head chelsea."

food analogies work well for us. obviously if you love eating icing by itself this metaphor falls apart immediately. so don't think about it too much - this chat was more laughter than profundity. it might as well be noted that the "icing on the cake" comment was at the tail end of our conversation too - almost the icing on the cake of our conversation if you will. HA.

my dad's favorite movie of all time is "gone with the wind." one of my favorite quotes from that movie is when rhett tells scarlett, "you should be kissed and often, and by someone who knows how."

apparently people said that pappy shank looked like clark gable. i can see it. i will try to find an old picture to post of him so you can too. clark gable also reminds me of george clooney and sometimes my dad resembles him. there are just a lot of handsome men in my family line, what can i say.

dad informed me that clark gable died when he was 59 - the same age that pappy shank was when he had his first heart attack. clark gable died in early november and so did pappy. they thought clark gable was recovering, he had even begun smoking in his hospital bed. unfortunately for pappy i don't think he was allowed to smoke in the hospital before he died. he did get his beloved pepsi though - the first thing he scribbled on a piece of paper to grandma after surgery. or maybe smokes was first, i forget.

i love grandma and grandpa shank so much. i love that unlike clark gable who had three wives and children to a random accumulation of women ... pappy was married to grandma for well over fifty years, and that even in his absence grandma has never stopped talking about and loving him.

their relationship never put me under the illusion that marriage was easy. not that i ever heard them fight or complain, but pappy just would have been a very difficult person to live with. but they really loved each other. watching them taught me that marriage is worth it, and that there is nothing more valuable than family and the love you pass on to the generations to follow when you choose to love your spouse.

ramey & harper

meet ramey jameson and harper jane, my (step) nephew and niece. when i babysat them this night and someone gushed about how cute they were, i didn't even bother saying they weren't my kids. love them.

courageous

"Never give up, for that is just the place and time that the tide will turn." [harriet beecher stowe]

"All places where women are excluded tend downward to barbarism; but the moment she is introduced, there come in with her courtesy, cleanliness, sobriety, and order." [harriet beecher stowe]

i read the first quote in a mag at the gym and when i googled it later (so that i could copy it verbatim into my journal of course, ha) i found a lot of superb quotes from harriet beecher stowe.

i don't know the context in which stowe made that second statement. perhaps it was only a flippant thought or a joke. but i see it as being right on and applicable in both a large and small context.

when we examine the development and productivity of nations around the world, we see a direct correlation between the prosperity of a nation and its religious foundations. critics will point to natural resources as the reason for the success of a land, and while that plays a role, the success of a nation actually lies moreso in the people that form it and the God they trust in. take a look at different countries and you'll see. (i.e. contrast north and south korea.)

in countries where women are oppressed and mistreated beyond belief, do we see life, prosperity or abundance? when people are abused or oppressed at any level, we do not see positive outcomes. if anything, in households where women are abused we see the cycle perpetuated as the next generation is taught to mistreat women, and the next generation of females growing up in that environment underestimate their own value and worth, or fail to see it at all.

what would happen if women started to realize their value? what would happen if domestic abuse was eradicated? gone. i have heard many people talk about the dream of abortion being eradicated in this generation, and of human trafficking coming to an end as well. YES, YES, YES. but underneath both of those "issues" lies what seems like an even BIGGER root that must be dealt with, and that's the mistreatment of women.

women who talk about this are usually considered femi-nazis and very few people want that label. even a super liberal feminist professor i had admitted to feeling that and discussed the matter in depth with me, along with the incredible negativity attached to being known as a feminist. i do not consider myself a feminist. i believe the women's rights movement eventually ended up doing more to hurt the role of women in society than it did to truly empower us. but i still believe strongly that women have an incredibly important role in life and that it is too often underestimated or ignored.

anger rises up in me whenever i think about these things, along with a passion to see everything transformed. i started writing this late last night and didn't finish it because it felt too feisty; it felt like anyone reading it would just think 'oh God, chelsea is such a weirdo, i wish she'd get her sht together and quit being so dramatic.'

but when i was praying earlier today with friends it was definitely the anthem on my heart, and i believe God usually puts things on our hearts for a reason, so i wanted to finish writing some of these thoughts out.

when people talk about change and things being different i think about getting to the root of it, because that's the way to see different results. and at the root of things that hurt so many people - things like abortion and human trafficking - lies an even bigger issue. and to me that issue is the inability of people, women in particular, to see the worth and value they behold.

we could go even deeper and say that that is a result of people not realizing God loves them, etc etc etc. we could always go deeper and deeper, and yet. we settle for blaming the surface stuff. we wallow in shallow water without making progress, when all along we have been called to go SO MUCH DEEPER into fresh water ... until we overflow with that freshness, with revelation of the Lord and His great love and who we are in Him, with radiant life that spills out into the lives of absolutely everyone around us.

let's stop pointing fingers at the "fruit" (issues that show up on the surface) instead of the root. let's go back to our roots. let's rip out the bad ones, the lies that say we aren't worth anything. and let's draw strength and life from the good roots, like the rich heritage so many of us have in our families, and the greatest heritage that we all have in Jesus Christ. let's draw upon that wealth, upon the favor and authority that we are called to walk boldly in.

women and men of God, KNOW YOUR WORTH as the daughters and sons of the Living God! if you don't know it, LEARN IT. ask Him to reveal it to you and HE WILL. get into HIS WORD and study it. if there is anything worth doing, it is knowing God.

the other thing that spurred me to finish writing this post was the song i heard on the radio this morning by casting crowns - "courageous." enjoy the song and the movie trailer and don't just be encouraged, BE COURAGEOUS!!

always relating

so we were created to relate. we know that. and yet it still amuses me how far that goes. whether we are making friends or giving advice or watching movies, we always want to relate.

sometimes we mistake sameness for closeness. we feign sameness when the slightest similarity pops up. to better relate to people we convince ourselves that we are alike.

or when we dish out advice, what we say might have more to do with ourselves and our own experiences than it does with the person's actual situation. how many times have you listened to someone give advice only to think, 'they're saying that because of what they went through and it actually has next to nothing to do with what i'm talking about ...' well, if that hasn't happened to you, it has happened to me and now i am doing the same thing - projecting my own experiences onto you and expecting you to relate, HA.

when we watch a television show or a movie we naturally pick out a character to relate to. we compare ourselves to the characters and find ourselves in them, somehow, in some way.

sometimes our friends will even do that for us. "chelsea we just watched the funniest movie and the one character totally reminded us of you." "really, what movie?" "the losers!" needless to say i felt real good about my friends going to the movies without me and finding a character like me in something called the LOSERS.

no matter who i am reading about i find something that i relate to. maybe that's what sells articles - writers getting a message across that everyone reading can relate to. publishers portraying celebrities in a way that we as the audience can relate to them. aren't autobiographies and biographies consistently the bestselling genre? i could be making that up because i like them.

emma stone is one of my favorite young actresses. she's about my age and she is smart and hilarious and beautiful. so basically by comparing myself to her i am saying that we are long lost twins separated at birth. minus the fact that we look nothing alike and by "about my age" she is one year younger.
but when i read in vanity fair that emma stone's grandmother is from lancaster, pennsylvania my jaw dropped. she had just been visiting her and picked up some strawberry-rhubarb jam at a local farmer's market and was making vanilla ricotta cupcakes.
NO WAY. because i am from lancaster and i shop at farmer's markets and i just made chocolate peanut butter brownies. and when i declared that i make the best chocolate peanut butter brownies my mom looked at me and said, "chelsea, they're from a box." and i said, yes but are there any left? there weren't and my point was proven. and the role of the youngest child as incorrigible was once again confirmed.

her close relationship with her parents reminded me of myself too. she used to persuade them with powerpoint presentations. i never went the powerpoint route, but i definitely nerded it up growing up (do you like how i put that in the past tense? as if the nerdiness and growing up has ended? it hasn't, shh.) and in eighth grade i even circulated a petition across school to get shorter classes. i only use that example because it was one of my cooler nerd moments. well, mildly cooler.

if you combined my nerd power with emma stone's, not to mention her celebrity status, i can only imagine what could be accomplished. if nothing else maybe she would let me tag along the next time she hosts SNL. frankly i'd even settle for sitting in the audience.

i'd also love to star in an amazing movie like "crazy stupid love" with her and steve carrell and ryan gosling. oh i can't wait to watch that movie again, i loved it! i could totally relate to her character and to the whole movie in my own way. go see it and let me know whatcha think.

"Juxtaposing a person with an environment that is boundless,
collating him with a countless number of people passing by close to him and far away, relating a person to the whole world, that is the meaning of cinema."
[Andrei Tarkovsky]