afraid to be happy?

someone told me this summer that they think i'm afraid of being happy. talk about a major blow to a girl who considers herself to be an incredibly happy person. but then, i'm also a girl who weighs a person's words whether they meant what they said or not. i'm a thinker. i love heart-to-hearts and if someone is willing to challenge me, i'll take it.

so am i? afraid to be happy? yeah. sure, i'd classify myself as a very happy girl, and it is rare that a day goes by without someone asking me why i'm smiling or what i'm so happy about. i'm happy with my life - the past and the present, but for some reason i am still afraid of getting my hopes up.

like what if everything is so good because something terrible is about to happen? or what if i let my guard down too much and get hurt? are these irrational fears? i feel stupid confessing them, but at the same time i don't, because i know so many people live in this fear but never realize or admit it. what else, besides fear, would explain why we all stay on the surface so much? or why we have so few people we can truly be ourselves around? it sure seems like everyone is afraid to be vulnerable in one way or another.

i used to seriously hate the word 'vulnerable,' but thankfully i've grown into the word. when i did my ywam dts in maui, my friend ashley and i would cringe when scott, a guy on our team, used the word 'vulnerable' in every other sentence. he would even shamelessly single us out - "chelsea, i really think you need to be more vulnerable." (and i think you need to shut the hell up scott, but i guess i'm not feeling vulnerable enough to say that yet, lucky for you.) he really agitated me (just in case that wasn't already quite clear) and when he got kicked out of our dts for all kinds of misconduct and sent home a week later i was feeling all kinds of smug. his words were inside of my head though, and even though they pissed me off i took them seriously - and i started being more vulnerable.

my hope is that the "you're afraid to be happy" comment will be the springboard for me letting go of even more of my fears. and honestly it already has been. because i want to be fearlessly happy.

don't be afraid to be happy or to get your hopes up. and don't, please don't, be afraid to speak into someone's life. speak now! maybe your words will anger them and you'll never see the positive outcome. like scott telling me to be vulnerable. or maybe your words will be spoken and the outcome won't be what you were hoping for, but there will be another positive outcome nonetheless.

i think we can all relate to the line in "pretty woman" when julia roberts says, "people put you down enough, you start to believe it ... the bad stuff is easier to believe. you ever notice that?" so make sure you speak the positive more than you feel necessary. overcompensate for the bad stuff by saying the good stuff, and saying it again and again. say i love you even if you think they know. tell them they're beautiful, the life of the party, the kindest, the best to talk to, an inspiration, whatever it is that you're feeling. the simplest compliment might be the best part of someone's week. it could boost their confidence or sink into their spirit to the point of altering their destiny. you might never see or know how, but if you never speak up you'll never know at all.