yesterday i saw a dad and his daughter standing in a cemetery. maybe they were just taking a walk in the gorgeous sunshine, but to me it seemed more like they were there for someone. maybe his wife and her mother had died. or possibly a brother or sister, aunt or uncle or grandparent. they could've been visiting anyone, young or old. he could've just taken her there to teach her lessons about life and death or history. i don't know them so i'll never really know, but it made me think about how much everyone goes through without me knowing it.
you go through things that, whether you tell your friends or not, you can't talk about all the time. it's hurting you but you can only talk about it so much before others lose interest. you hurt so bad you stop eating, or maybe you can't stop eating. the thing consumes your mind, but what are the chances that anyone around you has any idea what's really going on inside of your mind? but you're not the only one. everyone is going through something. lots of somethings.
is it okay that we stop talking about it? is that part of the eb and flow of life? if we all opened up about everything, it seems like the world would be on emotional overload. but it doesn't seem right to keep it all bottled up either. i wonder where the balance is. between respect and privacy. between wallowing and too much self-pity. between helping and moving on. i hate that so many times i am shocked to find out that someone was struggling with something so huge and i had no idea. i want to be someone that anyone feels safe talking to, because i will listen and love and not judge or neglect. and if my friends ever need someone to go to the cemetery with them, i want them to not think twice about asking me because they know how much i care and how much they mean to me.
Monday, November 30, 2009
Monday, November 16, 2009
hanging in there?
at six in the morning, with barely three hours of sleep under my belt, i found myself tearing up in the back of a car on the way to the airport. the tears came simply at the thought of the day that my dad will walk me down the aisle at my wedding and give me away. i have been praying so much for my dad, because my heart is so FOR him. i'm still proud of him and love him even though he hurt me so deeply. to have him give me my last bear hug as a single girl and a sloppy smooch, papa joe style, before my forever husband takes me into his arms ... wow. powerful. tearjerking. (okay, maybe only for me and my dad, but this is my blog so who else is it gonna be about?)
granted, i had just been at a wedding "all weekend" so i could 've brushed it off as a somewhat logical thought to cross my mind. but i believe the Lord put it in my heart specifically to remind me once again to pray for my dad's healing and not give up. i believe that he will walk in the fullness of all that God has for him. it is never too late, and i can't wait for my dad to have a radical testimony of how God literally saved him from years in the depths of despair and emptiness.
i had fabulous times with the Lord this weekend (evidenced by the 15 pages i filled in my journal, haha.) and of course with old and new friends alike. just one that i thought i'd share came from a late night conversation that led me to say to a friend, "it's hard to believe that God will leave you hanging if you're so submitted to obeying Him ..." (more specifics were involved cause i was giving advice, but that's besides the point.) i immediately realized how silly it sounded, because of course that is hard to believe - HE IS GOD! He never leaves anyone hanging! His Son hanging on the cross for our sin - He did that for us so that we can believe and trust and watch as He never leaves us hanging.
"i'm hanging in there" is one of my dad's classic responses to people asking how he is. if we ever find ourselves in that place, it is because of our own choices. God is not the one who leaves us "hanging" - we are the ones who turn away from Him and try to have our needs met elsewhere. i am not saying life will be fair or painless (by any means!), but we always have God to turn to. don't settle for a life of "hanging in there" when God is here now for you with wide open arms of love and incredible plans for your life. not somebody else. not someday. He has a purpose for YOU right NOW.
granted, i had just been at a wedding "all weekend" so i could 've brushed it off as a somewhat logical thought to cross my mind. but i believe the Lord put it in my heart specifically to remind me once again to pray for my dad's healing and not give up. i believe that he will walk in the fullness of all that God has for him. it is never too late, and i can't wait for my dad to have a radical testimony of how God literally saved him from years in the depths of despair and emptiness.
i had fabulous times with the Lord this weekend (evidenced by the 15 pages i filled in my journal, haha.) and of course with old and new friends alike. just one that i thought i'd share came from a late night conversation that led me to say to a friend, "it's hard to believe that God will leave you hanging if you're so submitted to obeying Him ..." (more specifics were involved cause i was giving advice, but that's besides the point.) i immediately realized how silly it sounded, because of course that is hard to believe - HE IS GOD! He never leaves anyone hanging! His Son hanging on the cross for our sin - He did that for us so that we can believe and trust and watch as He never leaves us hanging.
"i'm hanging in there" is one of my dad's classic responses to people asking how he is. if we ever find ourselves in that place, it is because of our own choices. God is not the one who leaves us "hanging" - we are the ones who turn away from Him and try to have our needs met elsewhere. i am not saying life will be fair or painless (by any means!), but we always have God to turn to. don't settle for a life of "hanging in there" when God is here now for you with wide open arms of love and incredible plans for your life. not somebody else. not someday. He has a purpose for YOU right NOW.
Monday, November 9, 2009
i can't help but LOVE this song
"Hell on the Heart" [Eric Church]
No if, and's, but's or maybe's
So you wanna be her baby
I can read your face like a book
Yeah it looks easy to love her but believe me brother
It's harder than it looks
She's as pretty as a picture
Every bit as funny as she is smart
Got a smile that'll hold you together
And a touch that'll tear you apart
When she's yours she brings the sunshine
When she's gone the world goes dark
Yeah she's heaven on the eyes
But boy she's hell on the heart
Yeah she's good when she's bad
She's cute when she's mad
And she does all the wrong things right
Yeah boy it's a fact when they're made like that
You ain't ever gonna sleep at night
Once you feel her touch and you've felt that rush
It's gonna mess up your head
But here's the kicker son
Your old ticker's gonna beat you half to death
No if, and's, but's or maybe's
So you wanna be her baby
I can read your face like a book
Yeah it looks easy to love her but believe me brother
It's harder than it looks
She's as pretty as a picture
Every bit as funny as she is smart
Got a smile that'll hold you together
And a touch that'll tear you apart
When she's yours she brings the sunshine
When she's gone the world goes dark
Yeah she's heaven on the eyes
But boy she's hell on the heart
Yeah she's good when she's bad
She's cute when she's mad
And she does all the wrong things right
Yeah boy it's a fact when they're made like that
You ain't ever gonna sleep at night
Once you feel her touch and you've felt that rush
It's gonna mess up your head
But here's the kicker son
Your old ticker's gonna beat you half to death
Thursday, November 5, 2009
so much
i want to know what he's really thinking. and i want to know what you're really thinking. if you're really honest with me, with yourself, with anyone. i don't want to know how it's going to end up because the mystery is enjoyable, however suspenseful or painful or frustrating. i want to watch a professional dog race. i want to dream the Lord's dreams, and i want to know what that even means. i want to give someone a tattoo - draw it and permanently ink their body with my style. i want a puppy really badly, but i know i wouldn't take care of it. i want an ipod and a violin and completely coordinated hangers in my closet. and make that a walk-in closet. i want to bake really amazing things and never get fat from eating them. i want to go somewhere, have some incredible adventure. i want to see healing and i don't know if i have any words left to pray for it.
someday i want my own swimming pool, and i know i won't get tired of swimming because i just won't. i love swimming, and if i believed in other lives, i'd say i was a mermaid in mine. people tell you that you'll get a tired of a thing if you have too much of it, but guess what? i'm not other people. living at the beach only made me love it more and miss it more. the more i run the more i love it. the less i work out the less i like it, so don't tell me that too much of a good thing is a bad thing. tell me that too much of a bad thing is bad thing, because when i get stuck on sin or disobedience, it just makes me want to keep sinning. so i'm going to dream till my dreams get bigger, so big that i can't accomplish them on my own. so big that they finally start to touch the hands and heart of God and become a reality in my life. and i'm going to love others until it just comes natural. because swimming pools are for parties.
someday i want my own swimming pool, and i know i won't get tired of swimming because i just won't. i love swimming, and if i believed in other lives, i'd say i was a mermaid in mine. people tell you that you'll get a tired of a thing if you have too much of it, but guess what? i'm not other people. living at the beach only made me love it more and miss it more. the more i run the more i love it. the less i work out the less i like it, so don't tell me that too much of a good thing is a bad thing. tell me that too much of a bad thing is bad thing, because when i get stuck on sin or disobedience, it just makes me want to keep sinning. so i'm going to dream till my dreams get bigger, so big that i can't accomplish them on my own. so big that they finally start to touch the hands and heart of God and become a reality in my life. and i'm going to love others until it just comes natural. because swimming pools are for parties.
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