blame it on the phone

i just threw my phone on my bed and screamed. not a blood-curdling fear-inhibited scream, but a scream of frustration or dismay or loss for words. a temper tantrum of sorts. it's honestly ridiculous how much power my phone has to make me flip out.

i also love how i blame my phone? nothing like taking out your frustration on an inanimate object you pay money to have when the root is always something bigger. (and usually a mess that i played a large part in getting myself into in the first place.)

i toy around with the idea of getting rid of my cell phone. it's funny how dependent everyone is on their cell phone when five years ago it was not a part of the human body the way that it seems to be nowadays. it's tempting to get rid of it because i suck at communicating. if i didn't have a phone a whole lot of communicating could be avoided. and maybe when i say communicating i mean confrontation ... hmmm. i suck at confrontation. i have a very good "knower" and know what i should do, but executing it does not necessarily pan out efficiently.

i hate what i am writing because i'm doing the thing that everyone does where instead of getting to the point, i'm being elusive and dramatic. example: the person who will blab on about blah blah blah when they could really say "this happened. i'm hurt." instead it turns into an elaborate explanation of who knows what because no one wants to be vulnerable. including me.

so let me come right out and say that the PHONE issues are BOY issues. if it's not a voicemail it's a text and if it's not one boy it's another. and you can only not answer your phone for so long. and you can only pretend for so long. and you can only avoid confrontation for so long. ughhh ... have mercy!

security

my car does this thing where every so often it won't start up, and a red security light starts blinking. then you wait exactly ten minutes and try again, and it will start. (on rare occasions it still won't start, and i bum a ride or call in strangers with jumper cables, but that's not the point today.) i've been blessed since this generally doesn't happen when i'm on my way TO work or pressed for time. nonetheless, i get frustrated.

so when my car wouldn't start for the umpteenth time yesterday after work, and i was hot and sweaty and tired and had someplace to be - i started grumbling. I looked at the blinking red security light and thought, 'i hate that word.' That stupid light comes on but it's false. it's not protecting me from anything but starting my car and getting where i want to be. Then God said 'I hate it too.'

i hate that security light because it doesn't mean anything. God hates what i've come to know as security on this earth because it doesn't mean anything either. the security i cling to apart from Him everyday is meaningless! God hates when i put my trust and security in anything but HIM!

this hit me hard as I realized most of my security comes from staying within my comfort zone or at least not skittering TOO far from it.
from a steady job. (read: MONEY!)
from a support system of people.
from physical health and possessions and all sorts of things that can be gone in a second and certainly won't matter in eternity.

"Find rest, O my soul, in God alone; my hope comes from Him. He alone is my rock and my salvation, He is my fortress, I will not be shaken. My salvation and my honor depend on God; He is my mighty rock, my refuge. Trust in Him at all times, O people; pour out your hearts to Him, for God is our refuge." Psalm 62:5-8