i might as well let you read my diary

one of my most favorite things in life is listening to someone telling me about an answer to prayer. i don't care if it's something small or huge, i get totally pumped up hearing about it. today i was at lance's parents house and his mom was telling me about an amazing answer to prayer that made my heart happy, and that's what got me thinking of this.

this week i listened to a bill johnson podcast that rocked my perspective on prayer. i have to say, he is a very gifted speaker. when i think about the course of his message, he totally sets you up for what you need to hear because he starts out with majorly encouraging stuff and then gets to the gut wrenching conviction.

what was encouraging about it? Jesus never taught us what to do about unanswered prayers because He didn't intend for there to be any. hey-o!

the part that really got me? most of our prayers are simply an expression of unbelief. we spend our time crying out for things that God has already promised us. yikes!

the thing that came to my mind there was healing. i pray for it over and over in various situations and i'm not always convinced it's going to happen. while i know that it is always God's plan to heal, and it was never His intent for there to be sickness and that sickness is never His will for anyone, it is still hard for me to believe that He will act and heal.

it scares me to write that, because i hate to speak something out that is so ... faithless. but i ache for that to change. i want to know and BELIEVE truth, without hesitation.

there is a family i interviewed for work whose four-year-old son was diagnosed with an inoperable brain tumor. they have been on my mind ever since i heard about it, and i had tears in my eyes interviewing them. i cried in the car afterward, and again when i got an email from a reader saying she'd like to offer their beach house to the family for a free week of vacation.

i continue to pray for 100% healing for ryan. i have prayed for healing for a lot of things, but in the back of my mind - or maybe it's the front - is that gnawing feeling of "what if" and "why?" what about all of the people who get a ton of prayer and aren't made well? is there any rhyme or reason? how can i declare God wants to heal when so often it seems like ... ?

whenever i have those thoughts, i think 'well imagine if you were them ...' wouldn't you want people to believe for your healing and go after it, 100%? and the answer is yes! i would want people to go for it! even if it didn't happen (why does my mind always go to it not happening? ugh!) i would still want to be surrounded by people who were willing to look foolish, who were willing to scream and shout and let loose and do whatever it was they felt the Spirit of God saying to them! i would want to be surrounded by people who kept going no matter what, who persevered in prayer in everything.

one thing i know is that i need to stop being afraid of what people think, and i need to just go for it. because whatever judgment others pass, it doesn't matter. if i'm making mistakes, it's better to make them serving the Lord and trying to obey Him, rather than err on the side of preserving my reputation or succombing to living like those around me.

it's hard for me to believe it's really okay to make mistakes, but obviously a quick read of any story in the Bible reveals that truth. i want a heart like David's. maybe part of wanting a heart like his has to do with the comfort i find in all of the mistakes that he made. i have this twisted way of drawing serious encouragement from things like that.

something else bill johnson said is that we need to lay down our right to understand. i have heard that a lot. it's like God really wants me to do that or something? HA.

sometimes the process of praying for something is just as pivotal as when it comes to pass. perhaps we are not ready to withstand the answer to the prayer. persistently crying out for it molds us to be able to steward it whenever it comes to be. praying builds our character.

another part of his message that made my heart soar: God's nature is revealed by you being free enough to want. relax enough to dream. when children aren't rested they're grouchy bums. but when children get to rest, they relax and they put on capes and fly and conquer the world.

so i'm still learning how to pray believing, but it's not like i'll stop praying until i have it "perfect." i am just suddenly conscious of how many of my prayers are signs of my unbelief.

but that's nothing that spending time with God won't change.

here is just a small sampling of some prayers that have  built my faith ...

• i was out swimming with a bunch of people, many of whom were security guards and apparently therefore excellent swimmers, and i was straggling. if you've seen me swim it's obvious that i'm self-taught with a sloppy doggy paddle. we were in this huge beautiful quarry and i was dreading the rest of the day swimming olympic distances with these superhumans as i panted uncontrollably. i prayed with desperation and i have never been so happy to see the police show up! it was totally illegal to swim in that quarry. praise the Lord. 
• my mom visited me in maui and i specifically prayed out loud for us to see famous people and i am pretty sure she laughed. a few nights later we were out to dinner at my favorite restaurant ever (Cafe Des Amis with luscious crepes)  and willie nelson and his family were at the table next to us. glorious.
• as a kid i was terrified of dogs, and one morning before school i was about to head out to the bus stop but there was a rottweiler in our front yard. i was home alone and there was no way i was going to walk out to the bus stop with that dog waiting to murder me. i was equally terrified of being absent from school for one day of essential elementary school education, and probably in tears wondering what to do. the answer to my prayers came in the form of my crazy father, who happened to be driving by right then (my parents were divorced at that point so he wasn't living with us), and pulled into our lane in his truck. he got out a lasso (what in the hell is right) and got rid of that dog. my hero! dad came into the house and got me, and waited with me at the bus stop. and waiting at the bus stop with me is not something my dad had ever done before or ever did after, just to paint you an even clearer picture of how amazing his timing/God's timing was.
• for my friends spouses and the joy of watching them marry incredible men! and praying for one friend in particular's marriage, then watching so much growth, healing, and maturity come out of a really tough situation. 
• a mentor - this one has been answered in the form of several different people! i am deeply blessed by all of them.

i could keep going but this has gotten super long and is probably only interesting to me. i need to write all my answers to prayer in one place so i can reflect on God's faithfulness. He was faithful then and He will be faithful again! let that be an encouragement to whatever you are facing today.

Shanks in DC

counting down

i get to see this handsome (and hilarious) man in less than two weeks and i am so pumped!!

high heels

high heels are great. they make your legs look super foxy, give your calves an extra kick, keep your pants from dragging on the ground, and nine times out of ten they are cuter than flats.

but don't be fooled - because high heels are the plight of woman. maybe they're not the plight of all women but they are the plight of this woman. i hate high heels! they are incredibly uncomfortable. my feet are wide and were not created to be jammed into those skinny little shoes. they're fine for special occasions, but i don't like wearing them and towering above men.

i see a lot of women around the city put sneakers on with their nylons and skirts or business suits to walk to lunch. it looks ridiculous, but it makes sense. it makes so much sense that i find myself wondering who set up this whole ridiculous high heel wearing predicament in the first place? why are outfits designed to be worn with heels that are uncomfortable and bad for our bodies in the long run?

i should have known the heels i had on last week would pose a real problem when my feet hurt just walking from my house to my car. ouch.

they were cute black banana republic heels. but do you know what's not cute? looking down at your feet during a meeting to see ginormous red blisters. then hobbling around for the rest of the day. getting home and needing band aids for the monster blisters ... for an entire week!

i assumed that expensive banana republic shoes would be at least mildly comfortable, but no. and the fact is i bought them for $5 at goodwill. they looked brand new - and now i understand why. i bet the woman who wore them before me wore them exactly one time and knew she couldn't bare the pain ever again. and i pity the woman who buys them at goodwill next, because that's where i'm taking them.

another pair of heels that i actually loved - i called them my hooker boots, just a basic black leather boot - were a great asset for winter outfits. until lo and behold when i was walking through the state capitol one day, smiling and saying hello to a senator, i suddenly stopped, realizing my heel had just broken. it was dangling on, but i couldn't walk on it, so i literally had to hop the rest of the way to where i was going.

chivalry is alive and well inside the capitol, and as i approached the elevator, a gentleman held the elevator for me. of course he did, because it seemed like i was a modest distance away and i would be there in a few quick steps. but my heel was broken and by the time i shuffled into that elevator everyone was smiling, suppressing laughter.

"yup, my heel broke!" i announced, and the one other woman in the elevator sympathized and told me about when that happened to her.

when i hobbled back to the office and told my fellow intern what happened she cracked up and told me it's probably because i drag my feet when i walk. thank you. not only are my feet wildly uncomfortable in heels, it's now been confirmed that it's obvious to everyone around me that i can't walk normally in heels either.

but on the bright side, my feet have no trouble running or conquering nature. on one of my first dates with lance we went hiking, and he still talks about how impressed he was at how quickly i scampered through the creek like pocahontas. ha. i like that.

i've always been more of a nature girl than a material girl. but i'm just enough of a material girl that i hate sacrificing fashion for comfort completely. so i find myself dreaming of creating a line of shoes. ones that are cute and comfortable enough that they can be worn to lunch without a sneaker swap or blisters. but until then, if you have any suggestions for comfortable dressy shoes, please send them my way.

zooey deschanel

well said.
hanging out with zooey deschanel is on my bucket list.
so is going on a double date with steve carell and his wife.
get kissed by a seal or a sea walrus,
run a half marathon and maybe a whole marathon,
have something published in Vanity Fair magazine,
see Lady Antebellum in concert,
go to Israel (and a lot of other places, most recently I've added Antarctica to that list)
... and the list goes on!

harry potter and workouts

"i'm in a book club." [my dad]

"what? really? what are you reading?" [me]

"oh i forget what it's called, but it's about some boy ... who's a wizard ... and it's got all kinds of wizards and witches and dumb made-up stuff like that. i hate it."

"YOU'RE READING HARRY POTTER??"

"yeah, that's what it is. have you read it?"

no dad, not even i have read harry potter. and i have not read twilight either, but if they start that next at your book club i don't know what i'm going to do. i thought it was funny to hear about my mennonite-raised father going to catholic mass, but picturing him at a harry potter book club takes the cake.

*****

this is from an email from lance that cracked me up. to preface this, you should know that lance is a certified personal trainer. and when i talk about working out i do not know the names of exercises or explain my workouts ... succinctly. but then i think it's safe to say i don't explain anything succinctly. ;-)

"... maybe someday we'll have a gym and you'll be able to cater to the women who need obscure exercise explanations.
me - "up for today we have 5x5 bent over rows."
you explaining to all the women in the class - "hold the bar thingy and put the circles on the ends then push your butt out and pull towards your chest."

reporting my first fire

i am absolutely loving my new job. it's still surreal and i can't believe i'm working at one of my dream jobs! i am so very blessed - thank you Jesus. i am a general assignment reporter, but my main "beat" is health and features. which is perfect. i get to cover fun community events and what's going on in the world of hospitals, healthcare, and healthy living. i couldn't ask for a better beat.

general assignment means covering just about anything that needs covered, so this week i covered my first fire. technically it was my second, but the first one i only had to make a phone call after a fire was over. this time i went to the scene of the incident, panicking all the way that i was going to get lost and miss it. (i really want a gps!)

that turned out to be a silly notion not only because i found it just fine, but also because you don't really "miss" fires. at least not based on my one experience. the crews are there for a long time working. i parked where they had the road closed off and walked down, regretting my choice of outfit that morning - a cute dress and cardigan with boots, that didn't exactly send a "hardcore reporter who knows what she's doing" vibe. but that could have just been my nervousness. nonetheless while i stood around waiting to be able to talk to people i played a mental game of tennis, tossing around pro's and con's of dressing a bit more butch for work. (butch did not win, just for the record.)

the chief talked to me and i did my best to pretend i knew what questions to ask even though i was thinking about the movie ladder 49. so often when i'm interviewing people i glance around expecting someone to say, "look, we all know you don't know what you're doing, get outta here kid." so far that hasn't happened.

after i talked to him i had to wait across the street for them to finish up until i could talk to the red cross and the homeowner. a shady public adjuster came over and told me a bunch of (what seemed like) important information, but when i checked those facts with the police it turned out he had made all of it up. i'm not sure if he thought it'd be funny to test me, or just felt like being a total a-hole. either way i was glad when the red cross shooed him away for trying to capitalize on the situation.

it turned out the homeowner was a single mom who had told her elderly mom not to cook, because they had just finished remodeling their home. but that morning the mom cooked anyway, fire broke out, and now the house was a total loss.

i had to hold back tears and refrain from being a creepy stranger/reporter giving the lady a hug - it was so sad! you could see the devastation on her tired face, and i wanted to hug her and let her cry. but she was hiding the tears, trying to smile even, and i felt so lonely for her.

the whole day made me think 'i can't wait to write books.' because when i am observing things i would naturally rather write it from an emotional perspective. or details like the way the smoke smelled. or how i met my first mitzy that day and she acted exactly the way you would expect someone name mitzy to act. for now i can save the emotion, insight and opinion for my blog, but someday there will be a book about a brand new reporter - and a lot of other things too.

my editor said the story was great (phew!), and then he made some changes before it went online and in print. this is a bit hard to get used to - watching your stuff get tweaked. i like the help and most of it is super beneficial, but sometimes a clever intro i come up with after a lot of thought and am happy with, will get replaced with something bland or cheesy that i am embarrassed to have under my byline.

or a typo will get added by whoever works on the story, making me feel like a moron when it is not even my mistake. like with this fire story: " ... and four people were displayed from their home." displaced, c'mon! oh well. i think my nerd wart is showing, better quit complaining and cover that thing up.

God bless firefighters for all of their hard work! it really is amazing what a solid family of volunteers we have at local fire companies. i am super impressed by them, and thankful for their hard work. i can't help but add that i found it quite ironic to watch one of them smoking a cigarette beside the fire. and the cops there were eating donuts! okay so i added that part about the police. maybe it's good they have me stick to writing the straight facts. ;-)