dreams

i have so many dreams, but recently God brought it to my attention that i need to dream BIGGER. i've heard over and over that unless our dreams are too big for us to accomplish on our own, we aren't dreaming big enough. some of my "dreams" are included on my life list. i wrote it a couple of years ago and have happily been able to cross several things off already. others have been eliminated altogether, such as 'appearing on the oprah show', because frankly i no longer care for the lady or have that desire at all. 'do yoga' had to go when i developed a strong belief in not practicing something with satanic origins.

i'm tempted to cross out 'run a marathon,' but that's something i know i could do with training, i just underestimate myself. a lot of the list makes me laugh. what was i thinking with 'get a tattoo'? the girl who doesn't even have pierced ears and loves everything natural? who also included 'learn to wear makeup' on her life list because she only tried wearing that recently? (mind you i did not cross it off, because i still don't know what i'm doing.) yet another that had to go, possibly due to my recent obsession with eating steak, was 'go vegan, at least for a little while.'

i promise the whole life list is not quite as ridiculous as the glimpse i've given you. and if you're interested in helping me accomplish something on the list, i am always accepting donations for my beach house. :) it's that or run a marathon people, i'm just saying.

a lot of my true dreams are still in the articulation stage. they're not something that could be contained on a list so much as things in my spirit that fill me with passion. things that bring me to tears. things that i don't want to argue or yell about because they move me so deeply that it's not about getting a point across, but about seeing lives transformed. maybe what makes us come alive is actually God's life coming to life inside of us. maybe what moves us to the deepest place of emotion is a tiny hint at the emotion God has for those very same things and people. and maybe true dreams feel so personal because they're such a key part of the intimacy God wants to have with us.

lyrics girl

"There are two kinds of people in the world. There are lyric people and music people. The lyrics people tend to be analytical ... all about the meaning of the song. They're the ones you see with the CD insert out like five minutes after buying it, pouring over the lyrics, interpreting the hell out of everything. Then there's the music people, who could care less for the lyrics as long as its just got like a good beat and you could dance to it. Sometimes it might be easier to be a music girl and not a lyric girl. But since I'm not, let me just say this. Sometimes things find you when you need them to find you, I believe that. And for me its usually song lyrics." [One Tree Hill]

i don't watch that show but i love the quote, because song lyrics always get me. sometimes they get me in a bad way, and certain songs literally make me feel sick. if music is playing with lyrics that don't settle in my spirit, i get headaches. other times lyrics frustrate me by showing the rapid declination of intelligence within america. (i.e. "i'm tryin to find the words to describe this girl without bein disrespectful" ... you're already being disrespectful as you describe her body in every other line, moron. sadly that's a minor example of many pop songs i can't tolerate.)

i love when song lyrics get me in a good way, and i think they can do that for everyone. music connects. God uses it to speak to us and wants us to speak that powerful language back to Him. someone at church last week said that even people who say they don't like to sing out loud are probably believing a lie, because everyone sings in the shower or in their car. i have definitely been caught ... on more than one occasion ... belting it out (and maybe dancing) in my car when i had no idea anyone i knew even drove by.

heavenly music is something i'm really excited for. what kind of sound will be pleasing for the massively different musical tastes of people on earth? people who love country, punk, r&b, hymns and mozart will all be singing together and that just blows my mind. the child prodigy akiane, who painted masterpieces of her visions from God before her atheist parents had ever even mentioned His name, had dreams where she got to listen to the music of heaven. her parents couldn't understand why she would cry whenever they played even the gentlest music. she told them it hurt her ears - God's music was so much more beautiful.

here's a spontaneous song that greatly encouraged me on sunday ...
You are faithful to my heart
You are faithful to the end
i could never find another more faithful than You
who else would go with me into the darkness
and never leave my side
You never let go.

no more magic card

“When I was seven most of my friends stopped believing in magic. That’s when I first started. They were beautiful, they were happy. They didn’t even need any money, they had magic cards.” [confessions of a shopaholic]

i started something this week. or stopped something really, and that's using my magic card. a magic card by any other name is just a credit card, or in my case a mere debit card. something i've turned into a bad habit and decided to nip it in the bud. because as my mother reminds me - "if you can't save money when you're single with hardly any bills ... blah blah blah." that's when i stop listening, so i'm really not sure what happens if i 'can't save when i'm single with hardly any bills', but the gloomy fog of the unknown is enough to scare me into reevaluating my habits.

i've put a limit on how much cash i can use each week. it's only day three but it feels like day 300. i cheated my way across more cash by returning some clothes. knowing i'd be tempted to shop while i made these returns, i purposefully left my magic card at home. this worked out well at tjmaxx and marshalls when i walked out with cash instead of great purchases, but backfired when my car would not start in the parking lot. turns out i needed a new battery and did not have enough cash on me to pay for it. thankfully my stepdad let me borrow his magic card and i resisted the temptation to use it elsewhere, because we all know how easy it is to spend money that's not even yours. so lesson learned, it's still good to carry my magic card with me for when those not-so-magical emergencies arise.

i was complaining that there is no way to reward yourself for this kind of thing, because you can't buy yourself a treat. i took this complaint to the extreme by saying there are really no rewards for any good habits, because when you work out a lot you can't reward yourself with ice cream ... when you eat healthier you can't reward yourself with ice cream ... and on and on until i decided to shut up and buy myself some ice cream. jokes, jokes! my mama insisted the reward is peace of mind and knowing that you're doing the right thing. (and something about money in the bank for more important things down the road.)

but of course she's right. it feels really really good to do the right thing. it felt good when i learned it in preschool and it still feels good in college. i can't wait to listen to my mom and my future husband compare notes on me someday, because i'm sure she'll be relieved to have someone else giving me advice for my endless stream of ridiculous thoughts ...

noticing

you know when you buy a new car? you start seeing that car everywhere. it seems like everyone has it or you never knew how popular it was until yours came along. or when you get a new haircut, you start noticing how many people have that haircut? maybe i'm the only self-absorbed one, but i notice this is the case for most things in my life. right now i am noticing everything army. i've flown a decent amount and never once sat with army guys until last week - two flights, both with army boys. and that's just one example. it's everywhere i go.

i know that i'm only 22, but already i look at my life and think about how many different paths i could have taken by now. how many different places i could be now - literally, relationally, etc. it's crazy how certain choices can change practically everything, but we can never go back and know where that path would have taken us. there are a lot of paths i've said no to, confidently walking in the way the Lord has for me. and obviously there are paths i've said yes to as well, but i still feel like i don't know where i'm going. i know Who i'm following and i know what to say no to, but where is this path going?

as i've been thinking about this i felt like the Lord reminded me this is actually a good thing. i'm being a sheep! ("i just wanna be a sheep, baa, baa" - tell me i'm not the only one who loved this song as a kid?!) sheep follow their shepherd with the utmost trust (a daily choice i'm hopefully growing in) and He leads them where they're supposed to go. and who better to follow for my destiny than my Creator who mapped the whole thing out? Isaiah 30:21 says, "Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying, "This is the way; walk in it."

when i typed 'shepherd' it reminded me of one of my favorite episodes of "friends," where rachel has a little cooking incident ... totally something i would do ...
Ross: Beef in a dessert? No, no, no. There is no way.
Joey: I know. And only one layer of jam? What is up with that?
(Ross flips through the pages)
Ross: Oh, my God. The pages are stuck together.
Joey: Chandler!
Ross: Oh, my God. She made half an English trifle and ... half a shepherd's pie!