i love when men say that they "married up." i feel like that is one of the top ten compliments a husband can give his wife. who wouldn't want to hear that? what better way to honor your wife than with a heartfelt compliment like that?
an older italian gentleman who has succeeded at many different career paths (he taught high school and started nine prospering naturalizer shoe stores, plus he was a state legislator!) before ending up as one of the top dogs at the lobbying firm where i am an intern, said that when he first told me about his wife. he also tells me every friday night about how much he is looking forward to "date night" with his wife. he recommends amazing restaurants that make me drool, but are completely out of intern budget. i have them tucked away in my memory for later when i have a triple digit salary like him.
of all the perks and benefits of this internship, watching my confidence grow might be the best one. i had no political background or experience, and was shocked to be offered the position. i had applied thinking it would be a long shot. when they said they wanted me i almost did not take it. at the time i'm sure i had a list of reasons why i shouldn't, but looking back now i'm sure it was nothing but fear hiding under a pile of excuses.
right before i was going to email them to decline, i did not feel peace about saying no. i tend to be a mess (a.k.a. freak out) when it comes to making major life decisions. that "tend to" is added in the spirit of optimism and believing this will change, and i will become confident to the point of making decisions without fear.
as i prayed and started going through my journal, suddenly something i had taken notes on about confidence popped out. when you assume that someone else is better than you, you automatically limit yourself. but when you explore areas of your life where you have said you're not good at something, you will learn to walk in confidence and understand that the Lord really trusts in YOU. the Lord has more confidence in you than you have in yourself - that alone should free us up to try new things.
oh boy. i decided to take the internship. and you know what? i have loved it. it was overwhelming and took time and stress to catch on, but i realized i could do it. succeeding at something i was scared of makes me feel like i can do anything. but no matter what the success, or even whatever the failure is, that realization that 'i can do anything' is true for all of us. you and i can do anything.
one of my favorite parts of andy byrd's message at church this morning (the whole thing was amazingly-spectacular-phenomenol-too good to put into words) was when andy had us all dreaming with him about a culture where cynicism, criticism, gossip and negativity are wiped out and replaced with positivity and life. imagine the freedom we'd step into if all we could speak was life?
let your mind run wild with dreams of a culture where truth is agreed upon and sin is acknowledged as the opposite of what is true and good. yet instead of shame and condemnation for that sin, there is a freedom to fail along with an appropriate response of joy-filled repentance. joy-filled repentance. how did i never think of that before? isn't it a joy to be able to walk away from a sin and start fresh? to align our ways with the Word of God? when did repentance become a nuisance instead of a delight?
what i really wanted to reiterate from andy's message goes along with the fact that nothing is impossible. not only are the things that the Lord wants to do POSSIBLE, they are INEVITABLE. is it possible that we could have the same embarassment over abortion that we do over slavery? (watch the movie "the help" if you haven't seen it yet, i bawled my eyes out and got ten times more excited to be a journalist!)
is it possible that human trafficking and abortion could end in our generation, in this country, in this world? YES. it is possible, and if it's not then the gospel must not be true. big gulp. might wanna read that again, because it's a major reality check on whether what you say you believe is really what you believe. i can't help but get completely pumped up for living life when i listen to andy byrd speak! (you can go here to listen to it) he truly brings the Word of God to life.
fear doesn't have to hold you back. negativity from the world around you does not have to hold you back. your circumstances are not forever and they do not have to limit you. you have everything you need to accomplish whatever the Lord has called you to do - in life and on this day.
Sunday, February 5, 2012
Tuesday, December 27, 2011
graduation
as i said in my last post, graduation was a surprising ton of fun. if only my dad or colby had been there for some photos, my hulking presence would be less confusing to people who see my mom and wonder which samoan island i was adopted from. just kidding, plenty of people think we look alike so there is never confusion. i just like being little next to dad and colby.
missed lance very much, but president mcnairy gave special recognition to everyone serving overseas who couldn't be with us, and i almost cried. almost, because i held it together in light of the constant camera flashing. and yes, i did find some very humorous pictures of myself on facebook later - i look lost in every single one because i was searching for my fam the whole time. but i have a silly 'i know there are cameras everywhere' smile pasted on my face, so they still work for me - if someone didn't know me they could easily believe i was born in hollywood, not holtwood.
a verse i'm loving - another reminder to me of the power of words.
“Submit to God and be at peace with him; in this way prosperity will come to you. Accept instruction from his mouth and lay up his words in your heart. If you return to the Almighty, you will be restored: If you remove wickedness far from your tent and assign your nuggets to the dust, your gold of Ophir to the rocks in the ravines, then the Almighty will be your gold, the choicest silver for you. Surely then you will find delight in the Almighty and will lift up your face to God. You will pray to him, and he will hear you, and you will fulfill your vows. What you decide on will be done, and light will shine on your ways. When people are brought low and you say, ‘Lift them up!’ then he will save the downcast. He will deliver even one who is not innocent, who will be delivered through the cleanness of your hands.” [Job 22:21-30]
Wednesday, December 21, 2011
college = done
i graduated from college this weekend! it feels amazing and it's still sinking in. sinking in a very good way, not a quicksand way.
college graduation was so much fun, way better than high school. but my whole life is better than high school, so that may not be saying much. to quote mindy kaling's hysterical book: "is everyone hanging out without me?" ...
“Teenage girls, please don’t worry about being super popular in high school, or being the best actress in high school, or the best athlete. Not only do people not care about any of that the second you graduate, but when you get older, if you reference your successes in high school too much, it actually makes you look kind of pitiful, like some babbling old Tennessee Williams character with nothing else going on in her current life. What I’ve noticed is that almost no one who was a big star in high school is also big star later in life. For us overlooked kids, it’s so wonderfully fair.” [Mindy Kaling]
sooo wonderfully fair. a shout-out to anyone wondering why high school or even college (or maybe any number of hyped up things?) isn't all that it's cracked up to be: don't sweat it. don't let life be what people tell you it is. life can be whatever you decide to make it each day.
people will tell you something is impossible and you'll achieve it. they'll tell you something is easy and you might fail miserably. that's okay. life isn't about what people tell you, and it's not about what anyone else thinks.
what i'm saying is take everything with a grain of figurative salt. or literal salt if you're a potato chips kind of person, but i'm more of a dark chocolate kind of girl.
be the friend who loves, not the one who judges. that's a big something i'm still learning. someone told me (okay so it was eric johnson in an ibethel podcast and i've never met him but i'll keep pretending it was a message just for me) not to worry about measuring myself day by day, or by the week or the month. THANK YOU.
i can easily get myself into a panic around "church people." i don't know why i put that in quotes and make them sound like creatures of the swamp. i put this pressure on myself to have answers, or some kind of progress report to give, but why? why the constant church anxiety? i have to remind myself to relax, and not get uptight or down on myself.
while week to week i may have doubted myself or been disappointed in the mistakes i made, now that college is over i can see that i have grown A LOT. i have changed and learned A LOT. for instance, i went from someone who thought she had it all decently together and didn't make major mistakes, to someone who made major mistakes and realized she didn't have it all together but that's okay. no one does - and don't let them trick you into thinking they do.
i will miss college. i love learning and being in classrooms listening to people's opinions even if i think what they're saying is completely idiotic. i love listening to professors who are passionate about what they're teaching. or passionate about the rabbit trails they go down, giving you a glimpse of where they'd rather be or what they'd really like to be teaching instead. i loved meeting so many different people, hearing their stories, seeing how they balanced everything to achieve their dreams or get to their next place in life.
i will miss watching the turnover in people's relationships. that sounds terrible and i guess it is, but it's fun to see who people date. and to watch relationships start and progress and sometimes end.
i will miss the gym - especially classes like boot camp. i will miss the pond with the fountain and swans and ducks and squirrels, and the moms with strollers. which sounds creepy, but it's just that seeing cute kids when you're studying something stupid is so wonderful because you remember that this isn't all there is to life. what you're studying is usually nothing more than what you're studying, so breathe easy.
i will miss listening to people complain about school. watching someone ELSE have a meltdown can be quite entertaining. watching my OWN would be mortifying, but definitely fodder for an entertaining movie montage for you.
i will miss the sidewalk chalk notes written all over campus. besides stall talk - the posters hung in bathroom stalls with trivia - i think sidewalk chalk notes are the best way to advertise.
as much as i hated working in the snapper office every tuesday until the wee hours of the morning, i will miss it so much. i will miss interviewing people for fun articles and having a guaranteed byline (or three) every week. i will miss wandering around campus asking people my random weekly question, then taking their picture and listening to the same "oh i look terrible right now" from the girls and laughing at the poses so many of the guys came up with.
working together on something that seems so important, for absolutely zero money or reward other than the satisfaction of a job well done, really pulls people together. i loved the crew of people i got to work with and treasured my college newspaper way more than necessary.
i will probably not soon forget the night i overheard a girl relentlessly bashing the snapper and attacking a typo i had made in a headline. (prrsa instead of prssa ... it was 2am! and my editor missed it too! sigh.) i was devastated to the point of tears (i hate you pms, i really do) and thought maybe journalism is not the route for me. they say you need thick skin. i may have a thick skull and abnormally large head, but thick skin? not so much. it's funny how in the midst of rave reviews of my writing from my professors and nearly everyone i interviewed, what stuck out was one girl's rant. about a typo.
it's even funnier that while we were putting that edition of the paper together i had defended that very girl's face when people were calling it u-g-l-y. but listening to her that night my perception of her went from beautiful blonde to ... something else. beauty is fleeting. words hurt. and i need to be aware of my own words, because besides alligators, does anyone really have thick skin? but even if we don't have thick skin, we're resilient. and we can choose to make life whatever we want it to be each and every day.
college graduation was so much fun, way better than high school. but my whole life is better than high school, so that may not be saying much. to quote mindy kaling's hysterical book: "is everyone hanging out without me?" ...
“Teenage girls, please don’t worry about being super popular in high school, or being the best actress in high school, or the best athlete. Not only do people not care about any of that the second you graduate, but when you get older, if you reference your successes in high school too much, it actually makes you look kind of pitiful, like some babbling old Tennessee Williams character with nothing else going on in her current life. What I’ve noticed is that almost no one who was a big star in high school is also big star later in life. For us overlooked kids, it’s so wonderfully fair.” [Mindy Kaling]
sooo wonderfully fair. a shout-out to anyone wondering why high school or even college (or maybe any number of hyped up things?) isn't all that it's cracked up to be: don't sweat it. don't let life be what people tell you it is. life can be whatever you decide to make it each day.
people will tell you something is impossible and you'll achieve it. they'll tell you something is easy and you might fail miserably. that's okay. life isn't about what people tell you, and it's not about what anyone else thinks.
what i'm saying is take everything with a grain of figurative salt. or literal salt if you're a potato chips kind of person, but i'm more of a dark chocolate kind of girl.
be the friend who loves, not the one who judges. that's a big something i'm still learning. someone told me (okay so it was eric johnson in an ibethel podcast and i've never met him but i'll keep pretending it was a message just for me) not to worry about measuring myself day by day, or by the week or the month. THANK YOU.
i can easily get myself into a panic around "church people." i don't know why i put that in quotes and make them sound like creatures of the swamp. i put this pressure on myself to have answers, or some kind of progress report to give, but why? why the constant church anxiety? i have to remind myself to relax, and not get uptight or down on myself.
while week to week i may have doubted myself or been disappointed in the mistakes i made, now that college is over i can see that i have grown A LOT. i have changed and learned A LOT. for instance, i went from someone who thought she had it all decently together and didn't make major mistakes, to someone who made major mistakes and realized she didn't have it all together but that's okay. no one does - and don't let them trick you into thinking they do.
i will miss college. i love learning and being in classrooms listening to people's opinions even if i think what they're saying is completely idiotic. i love listening to professors who are passionate about what they're teaching. or passionate about the rabbit trails they go down, giving you a glimpse of where they'd rather be or what they'd really like to be teaching instead. i loved meeting so many different people, hearing their stories, seeing how they balanced everything to achieve their dreams or get to their next place in life.
i will miss watching the turnover in people's relationships. that sounds terrible and i guess it is, but it's fun to see who people date. and to watch relationships start and progress and sometimes end.
i will miss the gym - especially classes like boot camp. i will miss the pond with the fountain and swans and ducks and squirrels, and the moms with strollers. which sounds creepy, but it's just that seeing cute kids when you're studying something stupid is so wonderful because you remember that this isn't all there is to life. what you're studying is usually nothing more than what you're studying, so breathe easy.
i will miss listening to people complain about school. watching someone ELSE have a meltdown can be quite entertaining. watching my OWN would be mortifying, but definitely fodder for an entertaining movie montage for you.
i will miss the sidewalk chalk notes written all over campus. besides stall talk - the posters hung in bathroom stalls with trivia - i think sidewalk chalk notes are the best way to advertise.
as much as i hated working in the snapper office every tuesday until the wee hours of the morning, i will miss it so much. i will miss interviewing people for fun articles and having a guaranteed byline (or three) every week. i will miss wandering around campus asking people my random weekly question, then taking their picture and listening to the same "oh i look terrible right now" from the girls and laughing at the poses so many of the guys came up with.
working together on something that seems so important, for absolutely zero money or reward other than the satisfaction of a job well done, really pulls people together. i loved the crew of people i got to work with and treasured my college newspaper way more than necessary.
i will probably not soon forget the night i overheard a girl relentlessly bashing the snapper and attacking a typo i had made in a headline. (prrsa instead of prssa ... it was 2am! and my editor missed it too! sigh.) i was devastated to the point of tears (i hate you pms, i really do) and thought maybe journalism is not the route for me. they say you need thick skin. i may have a thick skull and abnormally large head, but thick skin? not so much. it's funny how in the midst of rave reviews of my writing from my professors and nearly everyone i interviewed, what stuck out was one girl's rant. about a typo.
it's even funnier that while we were putting that edition of the paper together i had defended that very girl's face when people were calling it u-g-l-y. but listening to her that night my perception of her went from beautiful blonde to ... something else. beauty is fleeting. words hurt. and i need to be aware of my own words, because besides alligators, does anyone really have thick skin? but even if we don't have thick skin, we're resilient. and we can choose to make life whatever we want it to be each and every day.
Tuesday, November 22, 2011
a bunch of randomness ... and lance
do you ever have something you need to do, but because you don't want to do it, you keep putting it off? and in it's place you find a hundred other things, less urgent, to do instead?
i need to write a paper but i'm feeling uninspired. my last semester of college has been exhausting, to say the least, and even though i know i will miss it and it's been an amazing season, i'm ready for it to end. i have seven major papers (10+ pages apiece) and several other minor ones to write before graduation in three weeks.
you'd think i wouldn't want to write on my blog too because i'm on writing overload, but i'm hoping some random word vomit will get me into gear. most of the time i am too tired to write on my blog too - hence the lack of posts, so i apologize.
and now for the word vomit ...
lance is home for two blissful weeks before he is deployed to afghanistan again. pray for him and everyone else in the military whenever it crosses your mind. he is a man who goes above and beyond in everything he does. the level of discipline in his life seriously inspires me and motivates me to work harder and reach my highest potential. one of his things is taking care of people - he will do anything for anyone, he is so incredibly generous with everything. i have a lot to learn from him. and best of all he makes me laugh all the time - even when he's not around, i start laughing just remembering something he did or said. love that.
i need to write a paper but i'm feeling uninspired. my last semester of college has been exhausting, to say the least, and even though i know i will miss it and it's been an amazing season, i'm ready for it to end. i have seven major papers (10+ pages apiece) and several other minor ones to write before graduation in three weeks.
you'd think i wouldn't want to write on my blog too because i'm on writing overload, but i'm hoping some random word vomit will get me into gear. most of the time i am too tired to write on my blog too - hence the lack of posts, so i apologize.
and now for the word vomit ...
- i was afraid that my almost nonstop gym clothes wearing phase (aka the last two years of college) would yield negative results, but it has turned out to be just the opposite. people say if you wear sweats all the time you will gain weight and not notice. nope. i've been whipping out the old business clothes from my banana republic style phase for job interviews and such ... and they're too big! love that.
- i'm still learning the power of words. a major theme in my life. sometimes i want to be a motivational speaker. sometimes i mess up MAJORLY and realize without a doubt my words have an effect. it's easier for me to notice the negative effect they have than the positive. i really need to be careful. while i feel like i do exhort people, the nasty side of that is when i get angry i say awful stuff. this post at the sanctified pearl blog spoke right to me.
- why why WHY do people in lancaster drive so slow? this is a great time to practice holding my tongue. thanks for the setup God, very funny. ;-)
- another thing i'm learning is to guard myself. i'm not sure if this is good or not, it's something i'm processing and trying to "find the balance in." i feel like in the past i was too quick to pour out my soul to just about anyone who would listen. and get carried away. this goes along with the power of words thing.
- politics, schmolitics. i am so over all the legalities and formalities everyone dances around. i am so disgusted by the systems set up to supposedly protect and serve the people. reformation is needed, along with deep conviction and a willingness to stand up for truth every single day! here's an article from the nytimes that made me think - especially the challenge he poses at the end: let's ask ourselves "how to overcome our natural tendency to evade and self-deceive."
- whenever justin bieber and selena gomez show up on my computer i feel OLD. i am about to turn 24, i'm way too young to feel old.
- handwritten thank-you notes are NOT out of style and should not be ignored. etiquette is timeless. a huge thank-you to brides who actually still write thank-you's because it means something and it's worth your time no matter how annoying or silly it might seem.
- parenthood is my new favorite TV show, even though i've only had the chance to watch it once all season. i've realized that family is my passion. i love my family, and i can't wait to have a family ("can't wait" is a terrible phrase i overuse by the way - i can definitely wait, i will not go get knocked up after i type this blog, all i mean is that i am extremely excited for that time of life), but i also love hearing about other people's families and observing how they've been shaped by their families.
- i was highly disappointed to learn that plato thought families should be dispersed and everyone should live in community, with women mothering everyone - instead of children in specific family units with parents in monogomous relationships. maybe 'disgusted' is more fitting than 'disappointed,' especially because he thought once women became mothers they became inferior rather than equal to men. i was thisclose to raising my hand and expounding about the nobility of motherhood, the inestimable importance of family, and the fact that a woman can be very intelligent and still "just" want to be a mom. insert a mental snapshot into your mind of a livid chelsea, because that discussion put me on edge.
- an obnoxious plea as christmas approaches: don't buy too much junk! that cleverly packaged whatever-it-is might look great in the store, but do you/they really need it? working at thrift store is fun, but also eye opening to how much junk people have. you might want to stop reading because here comes the grinch: all those $5 gift exchanges you coerce others into (or are coerced into) ... just think about it. in terms of practicality and how money adds up and the big picture and who that money could be helping.
- along with that: don't donate mattresses, used peanut butter jars, broken appliances, dirty socks (dirty anything really) or jean jumpers to thrift stores. jean jumpers never stop coming in and i don't understand how people still have them. there are certain things that just need to be taken out of the cycle. throw it out. and if you're wearing a jean jumper while you're reading this, i don't know what to say.
and here's my boyfriend and me after a 5k we ran for fun. that was obvious when i tapped someone next to me at the start of the race to ask, "this is just three miles right?" that made those serious gameface runners laugh. people take things so seriously, i don't get it.
lance is home for two blissful weeks before he is deployed to afghanistan again. pray for him and everyone else in the military whenever it crosses your mind. he is a man who goes above and beyond in everything he does. the level of discipline in his life seriously inspires me and motivates me to work harder and reach my highest potential. one of his things is taking care of people - he will do anything for anyone, he is so incredibly generous with everything. i have a lot to learn from him. and best of all he makes me laugh all the time - even when he's not around, i start laughing just remembering something he did or said. love that.i don't want to sound too much like a hallmark card, but i think it's already too late. oh! and he writes me the greatest cards and letters ever. he's an awesome writer and all-in-all amazing communicator - great at drawing stuff out of me, and handling me at my worst. handling me all the time for that matter - best, worst, crazy, quiet, "normal," whatever. my mom made the comment that i "wear it on my sleeve" that i love him so much ... i think that's a good thing? ;-)
Saturday, November 5, 2011
miss you pappy shank
ten years since pappy shank died. i realized it during the 10th anniversary of september 11th. when those attacks happened pappy said they were coming after the shanks. he wasn't a conspiracy theorist, that was just his sense of humor, since one of the planes went down in shanksville.
i can't believe he’s been gone ten years. but then i may have a tendency to dramatize things. a few days after pappy died my brother and i were driving somewhere and i wasn't crying, but certainly talking colby’s ear off as i verbally processed everything and i said, "it's just so sad, he was so young!" brother bear hadn’t been saying much up to that point, but then he blurted out, "chelsea he was 75! what are you talking about!" we started laughing because colby was right. pappy wasn’t that young, and he wasn’t a picture of health, but it was still devastating.
growing up i had a strange preoccupation with death. i was obsessed with keeping diaries and journals, but what made those so strange was that i wrote out my will in the back of each one. full of essential details like "give my american girl magazines to melissa" and "bury me by the tulips."
i was in eighth grade when pappy died, so perhaps the combination of my age and personality intensified the way that the death of a loved one can affect anyone. i guess feeling so close to pappy is why it really impacted me. i felt like i was just starting to get to know him and then he was gone. when he died and everyone finally talked about him and the memories they had i felt even more jipped. there was a whole side of pappy that i never knew, an entire life i had no idea about.
hearing everyone talk about him confused me, and made me want to make sure that i always always told people how much they meant to me. i felt like pappy would have had no idea that so many people would say so many incredible things about him after he died. so why didn't they say it when he was alive? and maybe they did. i was little, i wasn't always around him.
when my brother and i spent weekends with our dad we usually hung out at grandma and pappy's for awhile. colby controlled the tv and playing boggle with grandma shank is only entertaining for so long, so eventually i decided to be brave and start hanging out with pappy.
i was so curious. it seemed like everyone was afraid of him. he was this giant that you didn't want to mess with or upset. i felt a sense of fear and awe. he scowled a lot. at family get-togethers he wasn't the patriarchal norman rockwell grandfather saying the prayer or welcoming everyone, he was off napping or pretending to be.
pappy had a beautiful face. i should say handsome, but when i think of his face i picture him laughing. and he had a fantastic laugh. a big deep drawn out belly laugh, and sometimes it sounded like he was choking, i could never be sure. maybe he was. he smoked his whole life and while his own dad and grandpa never smoked, he said that they died young anyway and missed out on all that pleasure.
it’s easy for me to remember him smiling, or laughing at me. and saying "ohhh" in a scowling but shy way. sometimes he'd scowl like that when he didn't want to answer whatever question i'd just asked him, but not because he was angry. i think he just didn't want to be open. i think he had a very sensitive heart and felt like he had to hide that, so he did.
i spent hours in the basement with him putting jigsaw puzzles together. when we finished puzzles i would be really excited (of course) and he would laugh at me. then he’d say let’s tear it apart and i’d protest. i knew he was secretly thrilled too and i had to be enthusiastic enough for both of us.
when grandma sang or yelled down the steps that supper was ready he'd act like he didn't hear her half the time. i'd scamper upstairs and say he was coming. sometimes grandma would get tired of waiting and we'd say silent grace and start to eat before he came shuffling in. he'd scowl if there was pizza on the table because he hated pizza, but grandma, the most amazing wife, always had a separate meal of meat, potatoes and vegetables prepared for him.
one time grandma and my dad both seemed concerned about pappy. something about a surgery the doctors thought he should have, but he didn't want to. i didn't want him to die so i set out making him a list of 101 reasons to get the heart valve the doctors were telling him to.
that list wasn't as easy to write as you might think. for most people there would be scads of things to include. for instance, i could name 101 foods alone that would be worth staying alive for, and pizza would definitely be one of them. for pappy, it was harder to figure out what would truly motivate him to stay alive.
the list was silly. i wrote down every family member he had, so that took up half the slots and then i got creative with things like "the clock needs fixed,” “hauling the amish,” or "who will we ask to ride the five-wheeler?"
i forget if i gave him the list face-to-face or was a scaredy cat and left it lying on the counter for him to read later, but he loved it.
he got the heart valve. and i hated calling him in the hospital (but a genuine thanks for making me, mom.) and visiting him in the hospital (and a not so genuine thanks for making me go in the room first "in case he's dead" dad!). next pappy needed to get open heart surgery, and he died a few days later. or something like that, i'm not good with logical details.
it took all ten of his husky (classic grandma shank word) grandsons to carry his casket. i don't know if they shuffled so slow out of reverence or trying not to trip, or because it was just that heavy. pappy's beloved amish friends didn't speak at the funeral, but they gathered at the cemetery and shoveled his grave full of dirt, telling stories about him while they worked. they loved benny shank.
someone stuck a liter of pepsi in the ground with him. he loved his pepsi. i don’t like soda, but the other day i talked my way into a sales position with pepsi. i have no interest in this AT ALL and after i left the job fair where i met the pepsi rep i was laughing at myself trying to figure out how that even happened. maybe it was just to give pappy a good laugh, or maybe he set it up so i’d remember him yet again – but i could never forget him.
i hope pappy shank knew how much i loved him. i wish he was still around. he'd be really proud of colby - my brother reminds me so much of pappy. i tell myself he'd be proud of me too. he wouldn't be surprised i'm pursuing journalism - i fired questions away at him like a pistol. maybe he'd come to my college graduation in a van and drive home super slow with a long line of traffic behind him while he smoked and nearly fell asleep.
i wonder what he'd have to say to me now. i imagine him meeting my boyfriend and saying something pithy. then he’d laugh with with his whole body shaking and eyes disappearing, leathered skin scrunched into a big smile. his smile drew people in. he was a magnet, and - my favorite comment from someone at his funeral – “an icon in the community.”
i can't believe he’s been gone ten years. but then i may have a tendency to dramatize things. a few days after pappy died my brother and i were driving somewhere and i wasn't crying, but certainly talking colby’s ear off as i verbally processed everything and i said, "it's just so sad, he was so young!" brother bear hadn’t been saying much up to that point, but then he blurted out, "chelsea he was 75! what are you talking about!" we started laughing because colby was right. pappy wasn’t that young, and he wasn’t a picture of health, but it was still devastating.
growing up i had a strange preoccupation with death. i was obsessed with keeping diaries and journals, but what made those so strange was that i wrote out my will in the back of each one. full of essential details like "give my american girl magazines to melissa" and "bury me by the tulips."
i was in eighth grade when pappy died, so perhaps the combination of my age and personality intensified the way that the death of a loved one can affect anyone. i guess feeling so close to pappy is why it really impacted me. i felt like i was just starting to get to know him and then he was gone. when he died and everyone finally talked about him and the memories they had i felt even more jipped. there was a whole side of pappy that i never knew, an entire life i had no idea about.
hearing everyone talk about him confused me, and made me want to make sure that i always always told people how much they meant to me. i felt like pappy would have had no idea that so many people would say so many incredible things about him after he died. so why didn't they say it when he was alive? and maybe they did. i was little, i wasn't always around him.
when my brother and i spent weekends with our dad we usually hung out at grandma and pappy's for awhile. colby controlled the tv and playing boggle with grandma shank is only entertaining for so long, so eventually i decided to be brave and start hanging out with pappy.
i was so curious. it seemed like everyone was afraid of him. he was this giant that you didn't want to mess with or upset. i felt a sense of fear and awe. he scowled a lot. at family get-togethers he wasn't the patriarchal norman rockwell grandfather saying the prayer or welcoming everyone, he was off napping or pretending to be.
pappy had a beautiful face. i should say handsome, but when i think of his face i picture him laughing. and he had a fantastic laugh. a big deep drawn out belly laugh, and sometimes it sounded like he was choking, i could never be sure. maybe he was. he smoked his whole life and while his own dad and grandpa never smoked, he said that they died young anyway and missed out on all that pleasure.
it’s easy for me to remember him smiling, or laughing at me. and saying "ohhh" in a scowling but shy way. sometimes he'd scowl like that when he didn't want to answer whatever question i'd just asked him, but not because he was angry. i think he just didn't want to be open. i think he had a very sensitive heart and felt like he had to hide that, so he did.
i spent hours in the basement with him putting jigsaw puzzles together. when we finished puzzles i would be really excited (of course) and he would laugh at me. then he’d say let’s tear it apart and i’d protest. i knew he was secretly thrilled too and i had to be enthusiastic enough for both of us.
when grandma sang or yelled down the steps that supper was ready he'd act like he didn't hear her half the time. i'd scamper upstairs and say he was coming. sometimes grandma would get tired of waiting and we'd say silent grace and start to eat before he came shuffling in. he'd scowl if there was pizza on the table because he hated pizza, but grandma, the most amazing wife, always had a separate meal of meat, potatoes and vegetables prepared for him.
one time grandma and my dad both seemed concerned about pappy. something about a surgery the doctors thought he should have, but he didn't want to. i didn't want him to die so i set out making him a list of 101 reasons to get the heart valve the doctors were telling him to.
that list wasn't as easy to write as you might think. for most people there would be scads of things to include. for instance, i could name 101 foods alone that would be worth staying alive for, and pizza would definitely be one of them. for pappy, it was harder to figure out what would truly motivate him to stay alive.
the list was silly. i wrote down every family member he had, so that took up half the slots and then i got creative with things like "the clock needs fixed,” “hauling the amish,” or "who will we ask to ride the five-wheeler?"
i forget if i gave him the list face-to-face or was a scaredy cat and left it lying on the counter for him to read later, but he loved it.
he got the heart valve. and i hated calling him in the hospital (but a genuine thanks for making me, mom.) and visiting him in the hospital (and a not so genuine thanks for making me go in the room first "in case he's dead" dad!). next pappy needed to get open heart surgery, and he died a few days later. or something like that, i'm not good with logical details.
it took all ten of his husky (classic grandma shank word) grandsons to carry his casket. i don't know if they shuffled so slow out of reverence or trying not to trip, or because it was just that heavy. pappy's beloved amish friends didn't speak at the funeral, but they gathered at the cemetery and shoveled his grave full of dirt, telling stories about him while they worked. they loved benny shank.
someone stuck a liter of pepsi in the ground with him. he loved his pepsi. i don’t like soda, but the other day i talked my way into a sales position with pepsi. i have no interest in this AT ALL and after i left the job fair where i met the pepsi rep i was laughing at myself trying to figure out how that even happened. maybe it was just to give pappy a good laugh, or maybe he set it up so i’d remember him yet again – but i could never forget him.
i hope pappy shank knew how much i loved him. i wish he was still around. he'd be really proud of colby - my brother reminds me so much of pappy. i tell myself he'd be proud of me too. he wouldn't be surprised i'm pursuing journalism - i fired questions away at him like a pistol. maybe he'd come to my college graduation in a van and drive home super slow with a long line of traffic behind him while he smoked and nearly fell asleep.
i wonder what he'd have to say to me now. i imagine him meeting my boyfriend and saying something pithy. then he’d laugh with with his whole body shaking and eyes disappearing, leathered skin scrunched into a big smile. his smile drew people in. he was a magnet, and - my favorite comment from someone at his funeral – “an icon in the community.”
ephraim benjamin shank
may 18, 1926 - nov. 8, 2001
Thursday, October 6, 2011
steve jobs 1955-2011
“When I was 17, I read a quote that went something like: “If you live each day as if it was your last, someday you’ll most certainly be right.” It made an impression on me, and since then, for the past 33 years, I have looked in the mirror every morning and asked myself: “If today were the last day of my life, would I want to do what I am about to do today?” And whenever the answer has been “No” for too many days in a row, I know I need to change something.
“Remembering that I’ll be dead soon is the most important tool I’ve ever encountered to help me make the big choices in life. Because almost everything — all external expectations, all pride, all fear of embarrassment or failure — these things just fall away in the face of death, leaving only what is truly important. Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked. There is no reason not to follow your heart.”
" ...Your time is limited, so don’t waste it living someone else’s life." [steve jobs, in his Stanford commencement speech in 2005]
i may not agree with his worldview, but steve jobs was quite the inspiring innovator. i admire his ability to work hard, to eloquently explain things from his genius mind in a simple way that anyone could understand. i like how he seemed to keep his family life private. i like that he never stopped pushing himself and always kept moving forward, producing excellent quality work time and time again.
as much as he obviously cared about his work, you could tell that wasn't his whole life. he really seemed to have his priorities right. he skipped a business meeting to take his wife on their first date. i like that.
"I was in the parking lot with the key in the car, and I thought to myself, 'If this is my last night on earth, would I rather spend it at a business meeting or with this woman?' I ran across the parking lot, asked her if she'd have dinner with me. She said yes, we walked into town and we've been together ever since."
“Remembering that I’ll be dead soon is the most important tool I’ve ever encountered to help me make the big choices in life. Because almost everything — all external expectations, all pride, all fear of embarrassment or failure — these things just fall away in the face of death, leaving only what is truly important. Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked. There is no reason not to follow your heart.”
" ...Your time is limited, so don’t waste it living someone else’s life." [steve jobs, in his Stanford commencement speech in 2005]
i may not agree with his worldview, but steve jobs was quite the inspiring innovator. i admire his ability to work hard, to eloquently explain things from his genius mind in a simple way that anyone could understand. i like how he seemed to keep his family life private. i like that he never stopped pushing himself and always kept moving forward, producing excellent quality work time and time again.
as much as he obviously cared about his work, you could tell that wasn't his whole life. he really seemed to have his priorities right. he skipped a business meeting to take his wife on their first date. i like that.
"I was in the parking lot with the key in the car, and I thought to myself, 'If this is my last night on earth, would I rather spend it at a business meeting or with this woman?' I ran across the parking lot, asked her if she'd have dinner with me. She said yes, we walked into town and we've been together ever since."
Saturday, October 1, 2011
what i'd say
"Contrary to what the cynics say, distance is not for the fearful, it is for the bold. It's for those who are willing to spend a lot of time alone in exchange for a little time with the one they love. It's for those knowing a good thing when they see it, even if they don't see it nearly enough."
long distance isn't easy. i am independent, adventurous, love my alone time, and have a full life with things i look forward to each and every day - but being in a long distance relationship is still not easy. maybe this is a "duh" statement, but aren't there a lot of those in life?when someone asks, "how's lance?" it makes my day. just hearing that someone else remembers that my boyfriend is deployed and cares enough to ask me about it makes me feel loved. for that quick conversation i feel less alone.
i am so impressed by all of the people who live with deployments for a lifetime - the soldiers who serve them, and their spouses, parents, and children. what a community. and so full of stories to be told. i am all about stories - another "duh" statement, huh?
if i could tell them all something ... i'd tell them they're not alone. that we've got their back. i'd remind them of the community of people around them and the country around all of that.
i'd especially remind the soldiers of that, and i pray that the voice of love and support from our nation would drown out anything else. but that is my prayer for all people - that you would know you are loved for who you are, and you belong.
i'd say that this country is still worth fighting for, even when it seems like the people on TV and all around don't seem to think so. i'd remind them that the united states of america is still the best country in the world to live in (in my opinion) and that i'm so thankful they/their family member thinks so too.
i am thankful that my studly boyfriend thinks so too. i'm proud of him.
this is a sweet song - i like to pretend he's singing it to me. don't act like you don't do that with your favorite songs too. ;-)
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