i love, i love ...

i love the way the stars were falling out of the sky when i was driving home last night. they felt so close. like i was back in the midwest. i've never been in the midwest, but i love the way i compare real experiences to the way i imagine future experiences to be. like comparing things to europe and africa all the time, even though i've never been there. i love the way i was tracing the stars like designs in the sky while i drove then swerved back to reality when i remembered i'd already been pulled over on that road before and should probably focus. even i would be embarassed to hit a pole and say it was because i'd simply become too enamored by the stars to fully concentrate on the road. kinda sounds like the little girl i saw at work with a cast on her arm who explained to me , "oh, i was chasing a butterfly and i tripped." her mom rolled her eyes and held up her arms to me as if to say 'what are ya gonna do?' and i laughed cause i could see my mom and me in that mom and daughter.

i love laughing with my mom. ohhh we are crazy together. and apart. i love the way i am not so afraid of becoming like my parents anymore. i guess i thought they were weirder than me when i was growing up - who was i kidding?! i've inherited quirks from both of them and created my own, amplifying that supposed weirdness and embracing it. much to my friends delight and chagrin. delight when it means that the things i do yield wonderful results - or so i like to think. i'll ask anyone for anything and it has been known to get us shortcuts, lifeguards phone numbers, things crossed off our life lists, discounts and freebies, or at the very least some hilarious conversations. i love when i spouted off a bunch of typical chelsea gibberish the other weekend and one of my best friends shook her head and said something like, "you know, people say that you have to drink to have fun, but listen to you. you're completely sober right now and i've never heard anyone say ANYTHING like this ..." i don't know if a 'you're welcome' or 'i am so sorry' would have been the more appropriate response, but it didn't matter - because i just laughed.

oh those expectations

ahhh fall, i love it. i don't know if it's because this summer was so disgustingly humid or what, but i am in love with everything about this new season! i sat outside by the pond after class today and spent some time with the Lord and it was just so good. since i read soo much for my classes, i'm not gonna lie - i don't feel like reading my Bible much. i am well aware that life isn't about doing what we "feel like" when we "feel like" it, but i'm just being honest. there's only so much reading a day can hold for me. and then when i do read my Bible, i remember how good it is (haha silly) and i get swept away reading that and before i know it i have to go to class and i never read the prologue to the canterbury tales. and when my teacher calls on me for examples of kennings from beowulf i'm distracted by how good the Lord is and have to execute my acting skills which, let me tell you, come in handy when answering questions in that class. (thank you living room talent shows and middle school theater productions, you trained me well.)

but this morning by the pond ... thinking about how much i love ducks, how the fish looked like they were sleeping and how the light through the trees couldn't be anymore perfect than it was ... one of the somethings i felt the Lord told me was that i have low expectations for Him and high expectations for people. ouch. high expectations for people was no surprise, but when i considered the parallel of my low expectations for Him ... ick! praise the Lord for renewing our minds - this has to change!

it made me look back in my journal at my notes from dan mohler, who spoke at my church (you can listen to his message and others at threshold's website) a few weekends ago. i was mostly convicted about SELFISHNESS, but he touched on expectations as well. his message was soo phenomenol that i'm passing along a tiny bit of the goodness the Lord spoke through him ...

• by putting an expectation on another person i do them a great injustice and have all of a sudden placed the gospel in a person and not in Jesus
• if people owe you then you're already disappointed. don't let their failures dictate you. don't let where they're not determine where you are.
• Christ is the barometer - not people! if someone is doing you wrong, they just don't see who they are and who Christ is. we forget how lost people are because we're too busy being selfish.

not if, but when

"if i write a book ..." is something i started saying occasionally after a lot of people told me that i should write one. writing a book used to seem like climbing mt everest or wrestling a bull - sure, people do it, but not me. it seemed like an enormously impossible feat. now i feel more confident that i could write a book, because when i see a lot of the things that get published ... well, it increases my confidence that i have worthwhile things to say and writing a book is not impossible.

one of my professors this semester says "not IF you go to london, but WHEN you go then, because you must ..." no one in the class has ever been to london. and yet every day she is still every bit as shocked as the first time she found out none of us have ever been to london. what with my textbooks costing $500 this semester and all the spare cash that college students have lying around, i really am appalled at myself for not jetting off to london for the weekend to appease her.

i'm going to start saying "not IF i write a book, but WHEN i write a book ..." it's one of those speech nuances i need to correct in myself, and hopefully that phrase will turn into simply "when i write a book" and before i know it i will have written a book. (or several, because i've got some clever titles. but it's entirely possible that i have more book title ideas than book material, just like i have way more dog name ideas than i could probably ever use.) another little speech nuance would be how i always say "i just" or "God can you just ..." JUST is a pretty loaded word. others frequently correct me for the way that i use it. i tend to say "oh i just work at ... oh i'm just a hostess ..." or "oh i just go to ..." - instead of making more enthusiastic declarations.

the tendency some of us have to pray, "God just ..." is something i get a kick out of. i say and hear plenty of "God just ..." prayers. like it's no big deal. except you can be sure that little word "just" almost always prefaces something pretty colossal. maybe that's a good way to pray, because what we see as unmovable mountains really are no big deal to God. i don't want anything to ever seem bigger to me than God, because nothing is bigger than Him and i always want my vision to be completely consumed by Him.

so just heal my dad God, okay?
just make him 100% healthy inside and out. just balance out all the chemicals, just heal every wound, just break through in him like only You can. just be Your powerful merciful kind gracious generous self and heal him. just answer every prayer that has ever been prayed on his behalf, because i know there have been a lot. just make him healthy and whole the way i know you want all of us to be. just make him function at full capacity and live, really live, an abundant life. just know my heart and correct me when i'm wrong, but i'm really going after this and i don't want to waste my time or Yours, but You're outside of time so i guess i can't really do that to You. just remember every tear i've shed because sometimes it feels like they've almost all been about him, and just see the ones on my face right now and just heal him, please. i don't want to keep asking for something if we already possess it, so just tell me if he's healed and i just don't see it yet. just do it so that when i write a book about him it isn't just about him being bipolar and it doesn't stop where he is now. amen.

so not IF i write a book, but WHEN i write a book ... it's going to be about my dad and me. and not IF he is healed, but WHEN he is healed ... there will be a book and so much more!

"I will not die but live, and will proclaim what the LORD has done." Psalm 118:17

i'm all over the place with this one

“A child kicks his legs rhythmically through excess, not absence, of life. Because children have abounding vitality, because they are in spirit fierce and free, therefore they want things repeated and unchanged. They always say, “Do it again”; and the grown-up person does it again until he is nearly dead. For grown-up people are not strong enough to exult in monotony. But perhaps God is strong enough to exult in monotony. It is possible that God says every morning, “Do it again” to the sun; and every evening, “Do it again” to the moon. It may not be automatic necessity that makes all daisies alike; it may be that God makes every daisy separately, but has never got tired of making them. It may be that He has the eternal appetite of infancy; for we have sinned and grown old, and our Father is younger than we. The repetition in Nature may not be a mere recurrence; it may be a theatrical encore. Heaven may encore the bird who laid an egg.” [G.K. Chesterton]

i love g.k. chesterton quotes. that's from his book "orthodoxy" which i sure haven't read but it makes me want to. except i've heard his books are reallly hard to read through and honestly, i'm not that into reading hard books. i'm an english major but i find my classmates discussions in all of my lit classes to be a giant bore. i have more of a knack for reading books that end up turning into great movies.

but i guess great movies is relative, and i should clarify that i mean all things nicholas sparks or "the time travelers wife," which i think everyone besides me hated. (also "the babysitters club movie," which i own, but that confession is neither here nor there.) i'm not into classic books that get turned into epic movies. not even "pride & prejudice." the book was okay, the movie was okay, but i just don't get the obsession. and i should actually clarify again that not all books-gone-movies steal my heart, because i did not read or watch "twilight" and contrary to the belief of the annoying boy who told me i need to stop doing things "just to be different," i actually just don't like vampires. (and then he got all surprised when i said i love yellow lab puppies because that's what everyone loves. which should have proved to him that i do what i like, regardless of popular opinion. ugh.) i think the concept of a romance with a vampire is weird, and i think i'm entitled to that opinion as much as girls everywhere are entitled to devote themselves to team edward or team jacob. and i am once again entitled to think it's all a little crazy.

it worried me when i first realized what a peculiar english major i was, and i questioned whether i should switch to something else, but it's okay because 1) your college major is not that important in the big picture of life 2) while i don't adore classical literature, i think the way my eyes lit up when i saw a class called "transformational grammar" makes me a pretty good candidate for my major and 3) being a bit paradoxical is biblical. all of life in the spirit is paradoxical. we have to give to receive, die to live, and God is a righteous judge who demands the death penalty for sin BUT paid it Himself. we live in the tension of knowing God has plans for our entire lives, and yet He wants us to be led by His Spirit every moment of each day. none of this paradoxical business really has anything to do with me and my major ( ... except that i so often feel like such a paradox), it's just stuff i've been learning ... and i like it!

i also really like this whole blog post by beth moore's daughter, melissa - that's where i got that chesterton quote, as well as the following ...

"What if, instead of dreaming about how bright the city lights are in Bangkok, or longing for a cool starry night out on a ranch out in Montana, I took notice of the way the sun dances on my old cracked hardwood floors from the hours of 6-8 pm, as if they were its vintage stage? What if, each time I saw a butterfly, I imagined God standing at an easel painting the delicate and intricate patterns displayed on its wings? Or, what if, instead of being annoyed by the boisterous giggling of two people in my local coffee shop, I thanked God for the gift of laughter and comic relief or imagined the kinds of things that may bring a smile to His face. I wonder what my life would be like if I used my overactive imagination, not to daydream about far away lands or fantasy peoples, but to make sense of and delight in my own little world and the people I encounter on a daily basis."

i am always looking for ways to utilize my "overactive" imagination, except i prefer not to call it overactive. i think overactive is a cap the world tries to put on creativity, and when walking with God you really can't have too wild or crazy of an imagination. preachers emphasize learning faith and trust from kids, but what about using their awesome imaginations as a springboard for ours? i want to get MORE imaginative as i get older, not less! what if the things you imagined as a kid were only the beginning? what if they were telling of a future and destiny far more fulfilling than conforming to any american dream? i love the image of God 'painting the delicate and intricate patterns' of a butterfly. once i heard someone say they hoped their job in heaven would be painting the sunsets and i silently prayed i would get a cool job like that too. maybe helping to make the waves in the ocean or coming up with new COLORS. the idea that there are more colors in heaven than on earth ... well, i love it! and believing we have the authority to bring the kingdom of heaven to earth, makes me excited to see what God is going to do through my whole life - the mundane and the marvelous, the faraway future and the right now.

chelsea in the kitchen?

you know what's funny?
i keep adding food blogs to my blogroll over there. have i ever made anything from any of these blogs? no. do i practically drool over all of the food pictures? yes. do i subconsciously pretend i am someone who cooks healthy and organic ... or even just someone that cooks? yes.

is one of my favorite movie quotes when carrie bradshaw/sarah jessica parker says - "... except for the closet, which Big says he can redo, and also he says the kitchen needs work. of course, i don't know about that because i keep sweaters in my stove. " yes, yes, yes. and when carrie says, "the only thing i've ever successfully made in the kitchen is a mess. and several little fires."

that is the kitchen language i speak. i know all about making hummus. with your best friend. in three hours. with three trips to the grocery store. and even though she thought it tasted and smelled terrible, i was stuffing my face and loving it ... until i felt sick afterward and have not eaten hummus since. i know all about making peanut butter fudge and instead of using ONE 7oz container of marshmellow fluff as the recipe calls for, using a whopping 17oz because you misread the recipe you sloppily wrote down. and then giving the fudge away as a gift because so help me God if i was going to eat that mess. i know about making cookies with your best friend and scraping them out of the microwave (it doubled as a convection oven, calm down) in hysterical laughter saying, "wooow, we are DOMESTIC." "yup ... some guy's gonna be sooo lucky."

and actually, i did make something from one of those blogs. pillow cookies on bakerella. i was on a baking kick for a few weeks (yeah, it happens) but pillow cookies put an end to that one. those chocolate chip cookies stuffed with brownies were delicious, but they looked nothing like the picture. mine looked like chocolate chip cookies stuffed with brownies. not "pillows."

i should start a blog with pictures of me attempting to recreate the pictures of food on other blogs. only instead of this blog inspiring people to cook, it will serve as more of a dieting tool. the pictures will NOT make people hungry or eager to try the recipes, and it could act as a twisted kind of kitchen encouragement. just when someone starts to feel bad about their cooking, they will remember that crazy person who used tomato paste instead of tomato sauce on her pizza and know it could always be worse.

created for greatness - that'd be you (& me)

"keep away from those who try to belittle your ambitions. small people always do that, but the really great make you believe that you too can become great." [mark twain]

kids these days

there's a kid in the office today. two actually. whenever parents bring their kids into the office they sternly tell them to stay out of everyone's way and not bother anyone, but i always silently hope the kids will come "bother" me. and they usually do. (the office dog hangs out with me a lot and there's a bowl of candy on my desk, so i'm kind of a magnet.)

part of me hopes i have my own office when i have kids so that i can bring my kids in to experience the magic. the other part knows that i don't want to work in an office my whole life. one day my boss and i were working on a project and we could see the kids playing outside at the daycare in our backyard. she nodded in that direction and said, "oh god, aren't you glad you don't have to work at a place like that?" actually i had literally just been thinking how much i wished i was working at that daycare, getting paid to run around on the playground.

i l-o-v-e-d going to the hospital my mom works at when i was little (and it was probably my lingering childhood fascination that inspired me to get a job there later, ha). for whatever reason it was the most exciting experience. the parking garage in and of itself was amazing, let alone riding the glass elevator you could look out and see the city from. walking in through a revolving door. riding up an escalator and then another elevator with buttons to press. an endless supply of plastic gloves, swirly desk chairs with wheels, huge slices of pizza from the cafeteria, waiting rooms with cable TV, the hospital gift shop, and a machine by the pharmacy to stick your arm in for who knows what reason.

i was a shy little kid but that place must've put me in really good spirits, because one of her coworkers still brings up the fact that i used to always tell jokes?! i have NO recollection of doing that, but i wish i could hear them now. if they were anything like the jokes i wrote on a birthday card for my dad, they must've been a real treat ...

"Q. What is 2+2+2? A. You should know, you're 40!

Q. Know how to jump in the pool? A. Jump in the punch!"

most of the kids who visit this office are disappointingly inadept at creating their own fun and enjoying the magic of the office. their parents shut them up with video games and high tech things i do not know the names of. i never had that stuff and i'm grateful. i hope my kids won't hate me for limiting that in their lives, but i guess i don't care that much because i think it's ridiculous how computerized kids are.

i seat families at work and all three kids will be gaming away on their little gadgets. (wow, gadgets - really chelsea? i do need to get with it at least a little and learn what some of those things are called.) one little boy who couldn't have been older than nine years old asked me if we had wifi. he got mad when i said no. you're eating dinner at red lobster with your family and you're NINE, what could you possibly need the internet for?! same with the 12-year-olds texting throughout an entire meal - i thought it was bad enough when people my age do that, but again, you're 12, what could you possibly be texting about?! yesterday i overheard a kid (again, age 12 or less cause she definitely asked for a kids menu) say - "oh mom, i only know her last name on facebook. i can't think of it now." seriously?!

it really shouldn't bother me ... but it does. my poor kids. but hey, maybe their technological-deprivation will take their imaginations to the extreme and they will cure cancer or outdo ralph lauren or build a better mousetrap. you never know.